Wired

I swear I'm so restless I'm shaking. It's weird. Usually when I'm sick, I just get tired and bored, and tired of being tired. But I am wired. I mean I am nervous, sure, but also really ready to jump out of my skin. I had to make myself run in place earlier just to get tired enough to sit down.

When I've been mad recently, my stomach has been churning and I feel like half of the world's endangered butterfly species are doing tangos and treating my stomach like a trampoline...all at once. So I've been dancing out my demons. Getting myself tired enough to sleep, trying not to slip off into daydream world or down memory waterfall. Concentrating on feeling my muscles move and stretch, bend and flex. I swear, I was meant to be an athlete, or a physically active person. A runner, or a jumper, or a dancer in another life. It calms me down, I can focus on just moving my body and getting everything in line, then moving again. Just calms me down, tires me out, keeps my mind from racing alond dangerous curves or moving sluggishly in a pointless maze.

I guess I've just been feeling a little down on myself lately. I haven't been a good friend, or a good relative, or sometimes even a good employee lately. It's hard not seeing any progress in my life. A lot of us feel the same way, but combined with my internal hourglass, I am just way hyped up. I'm looking forward to keeping my own hours and being by myself. Sometimes people just get to be so much to deal with that it wears me down and keeps me earthbound. And I don't have time for that.

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I feel so inept sometimes. I can't just keep my relationships on an even keel. I'm always dashing after some brass will o' the wisp or other. I just want friends, and I keep getting more or less. And I'm sick of all the drama and tension. I think I need a pet.
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Despite all of the above, I am totally looking forward to a rockin' Halloween party tomorrow night! It should be awesome times. I just love dressing up in costumes. It's the one night a year that those of us who don't regularly parade around can be someone else entirely, or even something else. What a chance!
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Unhelpful? Who, me? That's such a strong term...I prefer carefully non-interactive in a beneficial way.