Santiago Sunset

29 Sept 2006

From Shout-Outs to Shut-Ins

People of Note and Repute (Ill or Otherwise):
L.B., who deserves so much better than she's getting.
Emblem, who does NOT deserve food poisoning, and makes me laugh more than anyone I know.
Justin the Roman, who had his first "Olive Den" experience and should circulate the absolutely hilarious video L.B. & I made, which includes the dialogue:
L.B.: *Shiver*
Mandala: "Rabbit hop over your grave?"
L.B.: "Maybe."
Mandala: "Hoppity hoppity hoppity *chhheeeee (vampire fangs)* (with appropriate hand motions)."
L.B.: *pause* "AAAAGGGHHHH!"
Centrum, just because.
Salvo, for being hilarious in general and as nitpicky as I am.
The World.
Our neighbour, who rules.

Timely Soundtrack: "Boom Boom" by John Lee Hooker.
Quote Trapped in My Head: See above.
What I Learned Today: About the oldest Thanksgiving Day parade.

Wait, what was that again?

I just need to say...

Wahoo!!!!

Huzzah!!!!!!!!

HURRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Timely Soundtrack: The sweet song of victory.
Quote Trapped in My Head: " What immortal hand or eye, // Could frame thy fearful symmetry".
What I Learned Today: What a Pangolin is (and how much fun is it to say "Pangolin"?).

Samhain shona duit!

Athblian shona duit! And may the winter witch bless your home with the sting of life wrapped in the sweetness of pure snow.

Timely Soundtrack: "This Devil's Workday" by Modest Mouse off of Good News for People Who Love Bad News.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Before you embark on a journey of
revenge, dig two graves." - Confucius.
What I Learned Today: How to tell whom you will marry.

Clamor Stammer

All right, clamoring fans. Mandrake's blog will return, but in the meantime, enjoy the new pictures on Flickr (see right) and be at my Samhain party tomorrow!

Timely Soundtrack: "Boarded Up" by XTC.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "When I was young I learned a game, // Where love and happiness were the same, // Now I'm older and I don't play, // I found out the hardest way..." From "Anything, Anything" by Dramarama.
What I Learned Today: About Blogger Beta...it rules.

What's New With You?

Here's what's new with me:




Awww....so pretty now!

A Mandrake Abroad

You have received a telegram:

GOING TO CHILE STOP WILL BE GONE SEP 14 TO 30 STOP HAVE NO FEAR I ALWAYS RETURN VICTORIOUS STOP PLEASE WRITE STOP SIGNED MANDRAKE.

Catch you on the flip side!

Timely Soundtrack: Pure Morning by Placebo.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "I shall be busy". - Margery Allingham
What I Learned Today: Have a blast.

Fruit

The orchard knows:
we are not feeling this
the world is not
falling in on itself
trying to understand
why it hates the sinner
and loves the sin

Forget the Union, Jack
the scabs you've flicked
are growing right back
checking themselves in to stay
I am always A-1/Ace/FlyingHigh/FreeandFine/OK

you've left me plum
juice drops like
quiet bruises on my skin
At least, that's what
a loving hand would be
instead of my mimicking vine
I think all of this
to certain death:

You are not the heat
I want to push on, the
weight I want to lift, that
invading-filling piece
struggling towards a
mini-apocalypse in the sheets
but you will do for now

No sabes como te has metido
...this good?
Since I was born
There are crows
swimming in the reservoir
black-bear black backstroking through white
my hair tracing diagrams on your chest
you can neither
understand nor remove

Athena knows what it's like
to have this sight
from birth we come marching
to the edge of psychosis
hold hands and
dip our necks in
spit-and-shine
clean the swine
fill our nostrils
slick with brine

we are not kind women
but we are the kind
who choke on love
and swing through puppet lives
watching each other
give accidental tugs
as we weave our
shimmering strings.

You've left me peach
swollen with emptiness
coreless, stemless
Try to keep my juice
my stain
on your lips and skin
but I am pull-the-root
float-the-river
jump-the-vine
ripe to fall

~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~

It's Hard to Love a Perfect Superhero

Humans need their superheroes to be...well, human. Gods can be perfect, since we do not need to interact with them or sympathize with them. Why is this true?

Having just seen Superman Returns (parts of it in 3D!) with Raj, I found myself meditating on the subject of heroes, superheroes, and gods.

Superheroes take care of us from afar; yet they need a human element for us to interact with them and care about them. They are physically able, efficient, and must, as a rule, be flawed.

Firstly, they need a weakness (or a weak spot, such as vengeance or kryptonite) to create drama and the possibility of failure. Otherwise, the story of a superhero would never capture the imagination. He would be like a god in visible form. Oddly enough, we attribute failures of mankind to man subverting the will of the gods, while we blame the ills a superhero failed to correct on his weakness, disattention, disinterest, or untimely absence. Perhaps it is because the omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent God of human religions can be everywhere and do anything, so he must choose not to intervene. He couldn't possibly be hog-tied in some evil villian's lair, poisoned with kryptonite or surrounded by 'bad energy'.

Superheroes also need a human flaw - not a fatal one, but one that makes them susceptible to the emotions of humans, no matter how alien they may be. This could be Batman's lust for revenge, Wolverine's rage, or even just alienation from the rest of society. This is so we fear not only for their bodies, but for their minds - and their souls.

Logically, we know that nothing is perfect - that is why only the aforementioned omni³ God survives as flawless being. The Greek and Roman gods had weaknesses - they were like superheroes without moral compasses; using their powers as outlets for humanity's baser instincts. Even our villains need to be substantially flawed - obviously morally, but also in mental capacity or ability, so we know (well, mostly) that our superheroes will win. The best villains are capricious, insidious, well-prepared, meticulous, and fly so low under even Superman's radar that no one knows they exist. When they strike, it is swiftly and anonymously, and they never stick around to gloat or explain their plans.

There is nothing inherently new about the new Superman movie; by which I mean no profound truths are revealed, no dialogue sent shivers down my spine, no one had an epiphany but the ones scheduled by the writers for their fictional characters. But I did start to see the hypocrisy that humans believe, one that is necessary for us to understand our world and our desires. Instead of hanging our hopes on a better future, we wait for intervention from gods that will come only once we have become perfect - something even our 'best' creations (superheroes) can never be.

Timely Soundtrack: Superhero Girl by Eve 6.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "You've got a hole in you I never saw." - from Monsters in the Parasol by QotSA.
What I Learned Today

An Open Letter to Drivers

Dear drivers of the right-side (right in, as opposed to left, not correct, you) driving world:
You know that driver in a car near you, the one throwing a hand up in dismay, dodging to one side to avoid your ambulatory misdeeds, the one who looks upset, annoyed, dismayed, or hysterical? You are probably the cause of this disturbance. After a two-way 15-hour drive shared with Emblem and Salvo, I have some advice for you. To avoid being the cause of distress (and accidents), please note the following.

1. Be aware of not only what's going on in your lane, but what's going on in all the lanes on your side of the road (if on a highway), or both sides of the road (if on an undivided road).
2. There is absolutely NO REASON TO TAILGATE, especially not when we are not in the passing lane and there are other free lanes of traffic that you could use to pass me. I mean, if I'm moving too slowly for you, being on my behind will NOT get me to speed up - nor will it get me to move out of your lane. Do not tailgate on curves, especially on back roads. Do not tailgate in a bus, do not tailgate on a train...oh, wait. Just do not tailgate, yes-no?
3. Should you do decide to pass me, do not first ACCELERATE your vehicle behind me, closing in on the distance between us, then shift slowly into another lane. This is sheer idiocy - unless you're trying to avoid an accident, you may cause one by accelerating towards a car that's holding steady, or may even be decelerating. You never know when I will have to brake for traffic, obstacles, or vehicle failure.
4. If you have to accelerate that much to get into the passing lane between vehicles already in that lane, you probably aren't leaving yourself enough space to enter another lane.
5. USE. YOUR. TURN. SIGNALS. ALWAYS. Even at night, when you can't see another vehicle around. Pedestrians might be watching your car to determine where it's going. There may be a vehicle that you didn't notice in your blind spot. I don't care if you're 'just' switching lanes, I don't care if you think it's not illegal; it's common sense. Using signals helps other drivers NOT decide to go into the same lane you do, occupying the same space you want to occupy. It helps them know whether you're actually going off the exit or about to pull a U-turn. It helps me not wish I could make you vanish into thin air.
6. If we are waiting to proceed, and are turning onto a blind curve or a busy road, and you are behind me, DO NOT HONK AT ME TO GO. You can't see what's coming around the bend that I can see from my position at the front of the line. You're impatient now; do you know how long it takes to clear an accident? And you are required, in some areas, to remain on the scene of an accident if you are a witness. So wouldn't you rather wait for me, who can actually see the cars coming at me, to go?
7. In the same situation, say you are turning right onto a blind or semi-blind curve, and I am turning left. I am occupying the position right behind the white turn line. Do not occupy the EXACT SAME POSITION next to me. If you do, well done. Now neither of us can see one direction. Oh, what was that? You can see through solid metal? Bully for you. Back up, or better yet, stay behind my car, enough to look through my windows or over my hood to see what you need to.
8. READ RIGHT ON RED SIGNS. Know the traffic laws - for example, in several city downtown areas, it is always illegal to turn right on red. If there is a red right arrow, that means you must wait for a clear green or a green arrow in your lane. Also, do not just slow down or blast through lights to go right on red - that's a stop sign, and it's there for a reason. People spend years programming stoplights and planning traffic patterns; that red light means stop and proceed only if you have a clear lane; not RUN! if you think you can gun it and make it before five cars go straight through their green light.
9. If you don't know where you're going, pull into a side street, or pull over to the shoulder (with a signal), and stop. I'd even prefer that you flag me down to ask directions than that you put on your turn signal, turn it off, put it on again, slow down, zoom suddenly ahead, then slam on your brakes.
10. I wish this one could be "Don't Rubberneck", but that would be asking for a miracle. So, we'll go with Never Assume. Never assume that my blinker means I'm turning into a specific road; I could be pulling over to the shoulder or into a driveway. Never assume that I will speed up or slow down when you need me to (though I usually will; rather be inconvenienced by you than have an accident).

A "bonus tip", if you will:
11. Merging. Ah, the bane of highway existence. The accepted behaviour standard is to allow one car to merge, then go. The person behind you should allow the next car to go. The practice should never be to blow through any and all yield signs, ride between the merge-ee lane and the shoulder at 30 miles below speed limit, force me to either switch lanes and/or slam on the brakes, then merrily merge into my lane. Nor is it to not pay attention to the fact that the merging lane is ending, and attempt to drive either INTO MY CAR or OFF THE ROAD. What you can do is: wait patiently near the yield sign, ready to merge when you have enough space to accelerate AND merge, not just merge at 10 mph, or (and this is only for those of us who can handle it) to analyze the distance left in the merge lane, then hit a speed close to the speed limit while going forward, merging at or close to the speed limit. If you know you won't make it without making people in the right lane slam on their brakes, wait.

Timely Soundtrack: Classic rock, folks! "Miss You" by the Rolling Stones.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Ive been holding out so long // Ive been sleeping all alone // Lord I miss you // Ive been hanging on the phone // Ive been sleeping all alone // I want to kiss you."
What I Learned Today: How mutual funds work.

Don't Drink and Paint

Whimpers, not bangs greeted my last post, so I feel it's safe to move on.

I did, in fact, drink and paint on Saturday night, after my evening out at the West Point concert and fireworks was postponed to Sunday. At around 22:30, I decided it would be a good time to drink two Mike's Lemonades, one after the other, with a little food in my stomach from the dinner at L.B.'s house, eaten at 18:00. Anyone who knows me well knows I can't stand the taste of alcohol, and thus have a low tolerance. I had been painting since I had the house to myself, what with the 'rents in CT and Emblem in MA. I finished the stone angel and most of the skull displayed on the wall of a local Mexican restaurant, then was compelled to paint a scene of flowers underwater, wrapped up in seaweed. H.'s cousin is going through a rough time, and his situation made me think of this scene. So, for your amusement, or maybe just mine, here is a timeline of my utterly pathetic tolerance:

22:50 - Part of the way through my first drink: I decide painting something I care about is probably not a good idea, so I put aside the skull scene and start in on the flowers.

11:20 - Done with my first drink: still watching the Twilight Zone marathon. I've messed up the colors on the flowers, but I'm soldiering on. I need to be very careful pouring colors into Dixie cups. I get up to change the water and forget to bring back a paper towel. Oh, well.

11:45 - Halfway through the second drink: Maybe I should eat something to help absorb this...I think I ate my third Snickers bar of the day. I think. I don't remember. Curse you, singing Snickers reclames! You have re-awakened my love of caramel, peanuts, and chocolate. Hey, I'm REALLY good at painting seaweed. Too bad the flowers look ridiculous. I can always re-paint it on real paper. Why do I like newsprint so much?

12:10 - Three-quarters done with my second drink: Okay, I'm not following the plots on TV. I need to use the restroom, so I do. I'm a little loopy and dizzy. I'd better put the ink away NOW. I need to add some algae, though. Eh, I'll do it tomorrow or Monday.

12:12 - Wait, what was I going to add? I think I need to put in a merlusa. Tomorrow.

12:20 - After a few swallows, I'm done: Uck, I'm going to feel out of sorts tomorrow. And I have to be the Lay Reader at church. And the pastor is going to make me sing into the microphone. I lurch against the sink, gently, and rinse out the second bottle. The ink is all put away; I've left the painting out to dry, and I can't remember what color the jellyfish should be painted tomorrow. The skull looks good. It has water spots, though.

1:00 - I go to bed.

Sunday/Monday - finish the skull, decide I hate the stone table painting, and add a bright blue-spotted jellyfish and green algae. I hate the flowers. I will start over on this one.

Timely Soundtrack: "Beautiful One" by Jonny Lang, off of Long Time Coming.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Cause I come alive with your touch
Your touch it always sets me free
I can't get quite enough
Too much of you is what I need" from "Touch", also by Jonny Lang.
What I Learned Today: Do. Not. Drink. And. Paint.

P.S.: Buck up, Mr. 3AM. La vida es buena, as a Peruvian skateboarder I spent seven hours with in the Bogota airport en route from Brazil once told me. Buena y rara.

Sensory Defensiveness and Highly Sensitive People

Since interest has been expressed in the book I mentioned last time, here's a quick rundown of links and information.

The one I bought: Too Loud, Too Bright, Too Fast, Too Tight : What to Do If You Are Sensory Defensive in an Overstimulating World
The Highly Sensitive Person
The Highly Sensitive Person's Survival Guide: Essential Skills for Living Well in an Overstimulating World
And, a little farther afield (insert eerie music here):
Empowered by Empathy : 25 Ways to Fly in Spirit
The H.I.S.S. of the A.S.P: Understanding the Anomalously Sensitive Person

I'm not attempting to claim empathy or psychic ability - far from it. I do think that a reading of the first few books would make a nice compliment to anyone interested in empathy or unusual sensory abilities.

Nor am I claiming any sort of Sentinel-esque abilities. What I do know is that, based on my own experiences and reading, I may exhibit some traits of sensory defensiveness and high sensitivity.

Sensory defensiveness involves not only finely tuned senses, but a heightened reaction of the body's nervous system to sensory stimuli. So what 'most' people feel and dismiss, or ignore, or never feel, is a major disruption to the sensory defensive. People can be affected in different ways: some SDs (sensory defensives) are thrill-seekers, hyperactive, with short attention spans (because other stimuli are impossible for the brain/body to ignore). Others are introverts, eschewing loud noises, bright lights, touch, and other people in general. Some people react only to sound or touch; others are equally affected by all senses. The point is that to tell an SD to 'ignore' a sensory problem or that 'you'll adjust' does no good - the nervous system will not allow an SD to rest or become accustomed to changes in one's environment, as it keeps feeding the body with messages that it is in danger.

Highly sensitive people - not an official medical condition, at least not yet, by the way - react extremely strongly to physical and emotional stimuli. What seems like a minor setback to some people can be a devastating blow to an HSP. 'Mood swings' are fed by over-active or over-reporting senses - senses that keep stimulating the nervous system to a fight-or-flight reaction, in the case of an SD, and internal-external reactions (amorous love, bitter hate) to an HSP. HSPs also have an intricate, richly developed internal life - imagination, artistic passion or vision, or even just an appreciation for nature or beauty.

The last two books on my list carry this idea to another level - the idea that some people are empaths, at least more than the norm (I can tell you're upset by the tension in the air and your body language, but feeling the anger in an empty room, left by someone who's no longer there, borders on psychic/empathic energy). This is an intriguing subject, but the first few topics interest me more.

Personal experience:
I dislike bland foods, the texture of certain foods, and the taste of others (tuna drives me up the wall with nausea and even fear). I like spices and sweets, the more extreme, the better. However, when I burn my tongue, it will stay sandpapery for days. If I brush too hard or too long (leave a toothbrush in my mouth too long), my tongue will be sandpapery for days. I always wake up with a bad taste in my mouth, and brush my teeth even when I get up in the middle of the night to use the restroom.

My hearing is acute. I often say I have "the hearing of a chihuahua on crack" - which turns out to be an appropriate analogy, given the 'fight or flight' connection that SDs experience. Certain voices, pitches, and noises are intolerable. They make me jump out of my skin with annoyance, fear, or spine-tinglingly unpleasant reaction. A "shush"-ing noise will put me on edge - imagine the most irritating feeling in your ear and echoing in your mind, and that will give you an idea of what "shush" does to me. That doesn't mean I will curl up in a ball and cry on the ground - but SDs have been known to show impatience, unprovoked anger, and other symptoms of discomfort when confronted with unwanted or painful stimuli. Some people have voices that will make me twitch - they may be loud, or oddly pitched, or perfectly normal - the problem lies in what my ear hears and triggers inside me, not in the outside world.

Some SDs like being wrapped up tight while sleeping; others cannot bear even the weight of a sheet. When I mentioned this to Emblem, she immediately said: "Your stuffed animals!", meaning the way I line my body with pillows and/or stuffed toys. The temperature has to be just right, I have to be covered from prying eyes, but my face must be cool, my hair back, no socks on my feet. I refuse to wear pajama pants since they ride up on my calves, so I opt for skirts and lightweight wraps that don't make my torso unpleasantly warm. I don't mind being hugged tightly while sleeping, but the feel of someone's breath on me annoys me - if it's warm air, it's even worse. I am conscious of the slightest change in pressure from a touch. I don't mind tight clothes, as long as they are not itchy, and years of dance have taught me to ignore painful shoes. Tags bother me if they're anywhere but on the neckline. It took me years to get used to pressure on my neck from turtlenecks, scarves, or necklaces. I can almost never get used to the feel of wearing rings, but I will shower and sleep with earrings and bracelets. I also shock people (electrically) and myself a lot. But that's a tale for another day.

Smells don't bother me as much as my other senses can, but I do need for my hands to always smell good. I like to have perfumes on me at all times, and I can't stand the smell of scalp skin (which I can smell sometimes on other people, and can't really explain, just that it smells like that person). Tuna makes me nauseous, as does fake cheese smell (the kind on cheese puffs), but I can't get enough of the smell of lilacs or spices like chili powder.

In summary, I find some disruptions impossible to ignore, to adjust to, to tolerate. Imagine the senses as a biting insect, one that, instead of biting and letting go, bites, varies the pressure, moves a bit, bites again, uses teeth sometimes and claws other times. That's a little like being sensory defensive. As for the HSP aspect - hmmm.

You might read this (or you might not, so what?) and think that everyone has things that bug them, noises, smells, tastes one cannot stand. True. The difference lies in how you react/adjust to things - and for an SD or HSP, it's often out of one's conscious control. That's always been my problem - a need to be in control of myself and what's being done to me at all times.

My reaction to whatever - whether being an SD or HSP, or something else - was to shut. down. completely. As to whether that was a protection against overstimulation or something else - who knows? I like this book, and it may be helpful to me. All of my pursuits have unwittingly helped me cope with my world - dance, especially ballet, teaches the body control and stoicism; singing controls the breath and nervousness; art provides an HSP with an outlet for emotional buildup.

There, that was more information than you were prepared for, wasn't it? Good. I hope you learned your lesson never to express interest in anything I say/write again.

Temporary Soundtrack: "Ocean City Girl" by Ivy.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "someone's pulled the cord again
I'm filling up with what they feel
so much that what's left of me
slinks out the bottom"
What I Learned Today: You're silly!

P.S.: I just realized the last poem I wrote connects to this newfound discovery. It was consciously inspired not by these books, but rather by salt and vinegar potato chips, which literally sparked a memory when I put one in my mouth.

Toast to the Senses

I just remembered
you introduced me to
salt & vinegar potato chips
in the supermarket
not yet bought, you said the cashiers
don't care, we pay for it anyway
and placed one on my tongue
it burned like sour cloves
like the thought
of getting caught

And I know, about life...
Here's to tasting freedom

In Disneyland
before the fall of the U.S. curtain
we wore full dress
I was livid when we became
mainstream's movie, judged and watched
as if we wouldn't understand the talk
you pulled black up, to make me laugh
to cover those eyes you hated
But our secret was we
could see through the fabric

And I know, the world is good...
Here's to showing them all

In the depths of high school
low-budget, high-emotion drama
you came with humility
the others talk about me
when they think I can't tell
they say I reek of outside
asked me dark-eyed if you did
I lied; how could I explain
your perfume of spices, trade winds,
onions, and your home?

And I know, I know, Allah loves us...
Here's to incense

More than summer sounds late at night
hazy shouts and carpet-held sobs
your father, he loved my eyes
liked to joke and pretend
I would be his other wife
you asked me, what should we do?
when your mother sweeps bruised skin
under the rug
Revenge made me answer
call the police

Oh, I know, mankind is alright...
Here's to telephone wires

You wanted to hold my hand at school
show friendship as you knew it
Stick-shift lesson at 2am
with sand for shoes
Still: Nothing was so warm-cold
as the Pacific at night
in denim or yards of holiness
seemed like a dream, but we had proof:
salt slipping through our hands
waves like me crashing rarely in your life

And I know, I know, love is waiting...
Here's to manmade distance.

~~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~For Peace~~~~~~~~~

Cold & Hot

Don't look at me like that. It's not entirely my fault I haven't posted in a while. I had that trip to Virginia - Washington, D.C. and Arlington, to be exact (many thanks to Mr. 3am and Ms. 7am, his lil sis, for keeping L.B. and me company); then there was that thing with Ringo Charm, L.B.'s new iPod, and then there was my discovery.

A most wonderful book that explains so many things.

Today, though, I have not much to kick on about. Of course, I was also kept silent by my seething rage at the Gay Marriage Blocking-attempts of our lovely government; by the ill will I harbor for some unknown reason; by inexplicable discomfort.

I am really restless and churlish, even for me. I feel my anger at such a distance, like a subject slighted by the Queen's sneeze, or Hera having to bend to the will of a path between daisies. (Yes, I am aware that I occasionally make NO SENSE, so stop it.)

Well and good...this was my path to the land of the bizarre:
- Just a general vibe all this month that something is not right, something is coming.
- Came across Alice Through the Looking Glass on a random channel, and watched it from book reading to book reading.
- Worked almost nonstop on photos from both of my trips, while - get this, this is how crazed I was for peacefulness - watching the entire extended DVD version of TLOtR "The Two Towers" WITH commentary by the cast.
- Cleaned my room a bit, unpacked my bags, got rid of a lot of physical clutter, but not enough mental/psychic chatter.
- Found the most amazing book that names and gives help for sensory defensiveness.
- Installed "The Sims 2: Open For Business" expansion pack and "Dreamfall" (the sequel to "The Longest Journey". Immediately became enthralled.
- Died in my dream.

Momentary Soundtrack: "Akua Tuta" by Kashtin.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "The troubles of our proud and angry dust // Are from eternity, and shall not fail. Bear them we can, and if we can we must. Shoulder the sky, my lad, and drink your ale." - A.E. Housman - Last Poems 9, 22.
What I Learned Today: How CAT scans work.

In Honour of June

Happy June, all you lucky people who live in this world. It's no December, but at least it's not fall.

So, aside from creepy dreams lately (and, really, are my dreams ever any other kind?), the world is a bright place, right?

On the agenda for upcoming days: Continuing with Dance lessons. Hurray!
Dentist today.
Going to see a concert in VA Sat-Sun.
Monday, to see Kathy Griffin's show.

Temporary Soundtrack: "The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack" off of the Liars' Drum's Not Dead album.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "I can always be found..."
What I Learned Today: A guy I was friends with for a bit, and who I locked tongues with once or twice, died a while ago. That feels so strange to write.

Grandmothers I Have Collected: I

On a sunlight-heavy street
she leans brazil nut fingers
down to her wrinkled ankles
adjusting elephant skin tights

she is caught in a freeze frame
by an errant shaft of sun
that catches a dark shadow
just there on her calf

this spotlight reveals
hidden edges and pastel colors
the bruise dissolves into
a faded tattoo

on an eighty-five year old woman's calf

And my mind is off and racing
even while I hide my gaze
behind the glare and dark lenses
there is a story I must hear

mistress of the burlesque
or darling of the circus ring

How did that needle come
to worship glowing brown skin?
lost bet, lover's promise
blood sister's dare?

In my favourite daydream
she comes by it naturally
polynesian baby on the move
tradition rolling off her

like waves off an ancient shoreline

I hold this memory of
unexpected rebellion
twisted flicks of ink
and replay it on eyelids

when I need to see something beautiful.

~~~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~~~

My Bag, the Addict

Why is it that so many people struggle with child-proof caps on medicine bottles, and yet the inside of my messenger bag can open them and dump all of the contents into said bag?

And why does my messenger bag do that anyway? To spite me? Is it getting a migraine by association? Has it somehow acquired a kicky drug habit?

The worst part is it opens my bottle of vitamins, then opens the capsules, so I reach into the bag, and...voilá! Magic vitamin dust!

Actually, the worst part is right now, when I have a migraine, and it's hidden all of the lovely, life-reaffirming half-white, half-green migraine meds in the ample folds of its black lining.

There will be a reckoning, some day, messenger bag...I will replace you! Your nifty vertical line of three outside pockets had all merged into one by ripping through the lining, anyway.

Some replacements I'm eyeing:
(But, before we get into that, try searching for "messenger bag" on google images. Amazing!)
Soviet Bag
This, in blue.
Alas, I don't like the yellow.

Sigh. I really want a black messenger bag with enough pocketses to make compartments, with maybe a small design somewhere.

Temporary Soundtrack: "I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "...for days and days on end...put yourself, put yourself in my place." - from "The Way You Are" by 46bliss.
What I Learned Today: See the post.

Slainte!

Say you missed me...I know you did!

We are back in town and almost back in action. Woohoo!

Temporary Soundtrack: Sad, Sad Love
Quote Trapped in My Head: "There'll be dancing at the end of the world. Youse'll be happy then." - Dubliner
What I Learned Today: Dr. Who won some serious BAFTA creds. Score!

Craic!

Heading off to Ireland & Scotland for two weeks with Emblem! Don't miss me too terribly while I'm gone, children.

Shout-outs are due to Alex (Happy Birthday in a week!), 3am (formerly known as Pezzo - see, I gave you a new name), and you crazy person who I thought was my college roommate but was so very, very, wrong. Sigh.

Temporary Soundtrack: Too hectic...
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Rrrrrrrrrrendering."
What I Learned Today: Assumptions are BAD. No, really. BAD. No, no!

one two three four we can do it forever more

I really think
that you and me, baby
could take over the world
I'll get the boys
and, well, the girls
you can hold their hands
pick up their pieces
convince them
I'll be back someday
charge them overtime for
love in the off-hours

We will be the grandest
of conquerers by seduction
tyranny through heartbreak
my endless supply of pheromones
your surprisingly charming vulgarity
I knock them down
you set them up again
Ready for the nuclear fallout
or maybe just sex

Our lack of trust
will save us from disaster
we both know neither one
can feel deeply
so we will never fall in love,
let the other one down
by turning plasticene and steel human
you are a steel rod wrapped in cotton
I, a silk dress carved from marble

both look soft and sweet
enough to set a trap

~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~

Alternate Universes

Get this one thing clear:
You do not read love poems
and I most certainly
do not write them

None of this has happened
you did not kiss the yawns
out from beneath my ribs
I did not thread your hair with mine

I know this in the way
your shirt molds to my skin
how I miss the weight when it's gone
and your skittering gaze

You know this in the way
you refuse to keep quiet
lie still and let me
trace your topography

I need the distraction of guilt
to make it look like it should
but you have lust
which is more (than) real?

~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~

Oh my gosh! Who's like, your fave sonneteer? <-- More Rhymes

Flirt, Flirt, Extrovert...

When you gonna learn // to button your skirt?

Emblem and I booked our flights to Dublin (and back), and from Dublin to Edinburgh and back again. We'll leave late on the 8th of May and come back on the 22nd. We'll thus spend the first week driving around Ireland, and the second week using public systems in Scotland.

Woohoo!

H. got internet in his house, the Fire Dog left NO, freeing up LizArd, and all of this just makes me want to hide from all messenger programs for a while. I won't, though. Cuz I'm GOOD that way. (In case you couldn't tell, I'm feeling a tad bit off-of-sane today.) Good for you, reader, in that you get to (re)meet my subconscious. Bad for you, in that I will either ignore punctuation or throw in lots of semicolons, colons, parentheses, and all manner of grammar most unnecessary (that's the first freaking time I've spelled that word correctly on the first try (see, parentheses (OMG, meta! meta! META! Can you handle it?))).

Other news - I'm still looking for a new muse, and am now accepting c.v.s. No résumés, only c.v.s. Um, also? I just decided I'm a leeeetle too crazed to finish this post. Chau Chau For Now!

Current Soundtrack: "Little Hands" by Duncan Sheik from his self-titled album.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Her indifference fills the room // Some weak seduction on the morning after // How it slays me every time I touch her // But she just wants to sleep." - from aforementioned "Little Hands".
What I Learned Today: All hope may not be lost for my 3d project. Also, I see movies in my head.

Holy Week

Sunday I will go astray,
one of those
early morning sins
meant to fill single hours
with more than hollow half-light
We shall surpass Judas
betrayal is
a fuck-and-kiss

Monday we yearn
Tuesday I doubt:
"Are you a religious freak?"
Ritual is a comfort
a necessary cloak
with guilt for a dagger; a
parrot-bright serape
for a burial shroud

Wednesday we see red
lining our vision
drying on yellow tiles
slicking our thighs
riding high on the
cheekbones of the mirror
fading to pale
as we know what we've done

Maundy Thursday, if you
linger by the Lillies
they will paint you yellow, a
leopard ripping pistals
in the greenhouse
We will with indifferent harmony
sing out coded confessions
with a perfume-laden throat

But Friday, love, Friday
Good Friday will burn
I will hold a candle
with trembling hands
flinching before the cross
quartered by spears
rejoicing at the weight
of an empty heart

There is no word
for Saturday's part
between death and life
fear, despair, hope, and joy
"Will you not keep vigil?"
with Marys - Hail or Hated
changing to banshees at night
back to nuns by sunrise

Sunday we feast
on heaps of coal and honey-skin
and wonder: why the fuss?
women in black wailing,
disciples with no faith
We have yeast and sex
Hope is easy, once
we've memorized The End

~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~

I heard occasional poems were on backorder this month... <-- More Poetry

Read it Here First

What follows is a news update on the activities and whereabouts of Mandala.

So, I returned from New Orleans on the 1st, very late at night, kept Emblem and Sarsie up for hours, and still managed to get up to go to church and sing in the choir that same morning. Then, everyone abandoned me (the rents to CT, Emblem to the Big City), and I breathed a sigh of relief to be home.

NO was fun, depressing, relaxing, and interesting. Meica and I took 395 pictures. That's why no one has seen any yet.

On the 5th I had my first dance lessons - Introduction II Rhythm and Introduction II Smooth - and did NOT get lost on my way to Hackensack.

Pezzo (yay, Pezzo!) came to visit on the 7th, after much trouble on his part - ask him about his drive, then duck - and I had to wait at the end of my street to flag him down. My house is very out of the way, no?

Went to the dentist Sat. morning, got a cryptic message from H., the rents came home, we picked up mom's peluca, and went to dinner. Pezzo, good job making nice with the older generation.

We watched MST 3000, played NES, and eventually settled down to watch TLOTR: The Fellowship of the Ring way too late at night to be healthy.

It was a very low-key weekend, all told, due in part to the rain and hail - kept us from going to the park - and in part to sleepiness.

Got up again early to go to choir, remembered I was the Lay Reader when I got there. Palm Sunday, Hosanna, etc., back home. Pezzo's car needed yet another jump before he could start off, then he went too far on the Thruway, had to hit a U-ie. Meanwhile, I slept in my cozy little bed from 18:00 to 22:30, woke up, worked on the compu, ate, felt sick, went to sleep at 2:15. Sigh.

Tonight I'm looking forward to dinner with my girls! Woohoo 'Lex and L.B.!

Momentary Soundtrack: "Thick" by Tonic off of Lemon Parade.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "I have passed the test. I will diminish, and go into the West, and remain Galadriel." - Galadriel, from The Fellowship of the Ring.
What I Learned Today: The tale of Tam O' Shanter.

New Orleans Lost

Man-boys like you
are the reason I have stria
where nothing should be
"Mama, girl, one fine lady,
won't you be my baby?"

Do not talk to me
Map in my waistband
sweat on my back
y hoy día no hablo inglés para nadie
I need to b-

"aby, don't walk away.
You're a pretty flower
you'll melt in the sun
without my sweet love"

Do not talk to me
tripping over dead cats
skipping with bloody feet
sunburned cheeks smile
dust too dry to blink my skies

It is cold on this corner
where the sun refuses to
throw shadows
even for the flies
I need to c-

"ome back, pretty,
I want to walk you down
to my bed, we can sleep under stars
on my front step"

All is not lost
just a girl
in this new New Orleans
the both of us toxic
Trying to be your promised land

~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~