I am so very tired of not knowing what I want to do with my life. It seems a very silly quandary to me, that I should need a purpose and should strive for it for years. I know people can change their ambitions, their lives, their careers, but I struggle with wanting to make a difference and wanting to be happy and unbothered.
Part of my problem stems from my perfectionist tendencies and my habit of reducing things to either-or situations, where I need to make some sort of committed decision before I get unstuck in a loop of living life without a goal or plan. I'd like to get a good job, but what is a good job? One that lets me save money, makes me happy, lets me express myself, one that I'm good at or something else, much more intangible and still unidentified? Is it a perfect combination of all of the above? People always say pick what you are passionate about, but very few things rifle my feathers anymore, and the ones that do don't have "career" attached to them in even the most unconvential uses of the word.
So, a dream job, let's brainstorm. Help me out, here. I'd like to...
Perhaps I could be an artist who sells her work for graphic designs, like those who make posters and images that are often reprinted. A graphic artist then. What would I need for that? Grad school, night classes, etc. That would be a long haul until acceptance struck.
How about an interpreter? Work in the government or abroad, or how about for the FBI? I would need civil service test, FBI training, perhaps night classes. Then, would I be able to travel? What is the pay like? What is the end goal, a desk job in the FBI or at a consulate? Or is this a semi-permanent thing? I don't know if I could follow without conscience.
Ok, I could, for the short run, take interpreting classes at a summer school or night school and teach English or Spanish in another country or this one. That would conceivably allow me to travel, but that's a low-pay, temporary type of position. That would be a tough post to get, but would not take a lot of training.
Oh well, I just can't reconcile my need to help people, my desire to travel, and my want to make enough money that I don't spend years working when I should be retired. What I really want is a job I love that I get paid for that lets me travel. And perhaps leaves me time to make a difference in the world. Everyone wants the world, only those who persevere get their corner of it. Or something. What could I make a difference in? Mistreatment of children, of women, how society portrays women and girls, racism, homophobia, poverty, world hunger, war, what would I do if I had a million years and tons of money? It doesn't matter, I don't. That's not me being pessimistic. Maybe instead I have to think, what would I do if I had ten minutes every day and $5 to spare? What would you do?
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This is such a big deal right now because I need to decide whether or not I want to move heaven and earth to be with someone I love, or if I should stick it out in a several thousand mile commuter romance, or give up the ghost. I know it's not the end of the world if my relationship dies after I base some decisions around it, but I can't help worrying that I'll be stranded without even a plan Z to fall back on. My strength is making plans, not thinking them through in detail, and then being resourceful if they fail.
Anyway, my dream job, dear emotional part of my brain, what is your deepest desire jobwise?
An artist. A game designer (content and character end). A writer/illustrator. A teacher to underprivileged kids. A supporter of women's shelters. A travel writer. A criminologist. A language teacher. An astronomer: study interspecies communication (Sign Language, symbols, etc.) A graphic designer/logo designer. An astronaut. A linguist who works to preserve, protect, and revitalize indigenous languages.
Wow, too many to choose from. It's hard not being passionate about one field alone. It's difficult not being so excellent at one thing that it's obvious that X or Y will be your career path. It's hard not knowing if you should try to make love or a career or charity the foundation of your life's or years' work. I wish I could push on and get a masters' degree, but what would I get it in? That's the eternal question: what do I focus on? Focus, focus, focus. That's always my problem.
All I know for sure is that I want to travel, and that right now I miss H. and I want to see him soon. It will have been a year since I last saw him by the time I get there in January (or so my plan is right now). That's such a long time, but we are strong people and we can make it through without constant physical proximity. I wonder if I will have changed or if he will have, and if we still get along.
I have felt so much happier since I studied abroad. It was like something inside me decided to let go in 2002. Something snapped open or fell back into place, in a good way. It was as if I decided to just be happy, no matter what, or that I let myself be happy, relax, live the way I wanted to and not the way others wanted me to. I finally threw away my acts and poses and stepped into the shell where I had kept my robot self, my actress self, my expectations and everyone elses' expectations of me. And I know I'll never be the same.
At the same time, I lost a little of my drive while in college, of my ambition and my need to succeed, to be in a hurry to get nowhere, my striving for empty goals. It is a marvellous thing to be able to spend time playing with kids, to write poems and play games, to talk into the night with your friends about politics, about life, to tell jokes and to laugh at them. It is a wonderful feeling to sit in the sun and read your favorite book or a new soon-to-be-favorite book. And it is especially sweet to just spend time with the ones you love, to hug someone, to be hugged, and to learn everything about someone that you can.
Still I struggle with this never-ceasing desire to climb, to be someone, to do important things and to be work now so I can play later. I try to remind myself that I will regret it later if I spend all of my time building a future and no time enjoying my present, but one never listens to one's own advice, no? Some would love that kind of drive, I have lived with it for too long. I want to have memories that make me so happy that I smile until it hurts. That make me laugh. That make me know that I have lived.
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Unhelpful quote of the day: "You can go through the broken looking glass, but you can't help leaving a few scars behind."
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