Neatly, like Modern Art

I wanted to be gone
when you came back
wanted to be unavailable
when you called
wanted one thousand ways
to burn you
To pierce you to the quick
until you withered away

I wanted my actions
to spell out revenge
neatly, like modern art
yellow letters on blue sky
to have kissed ten men
or even one or two
to have hate-laughed my way
out of loving you

I wanted to destroy
to feel restless again
slinking and taut
in my own skin
to ease the mask of apathy
let the darkness out
I wanted to whisper
sordid details in your ear

I wanted to be
so many things
heartless, merciless
in the arms of another
when you came back
I would have iron walls
with no gates
would trick you then flick you
out of an embrace

But I forgot love
love is careless and unashamed
frivolous and stubborn
it will not die in winter
it urges me to
set myself aflame
to keep you warm
to stay and not stray

So it's a heaven-sent blessing
that I am deaf and blind
my tongue is leaden
my breath cold and weak
when you come to me
flippant or repentant
bleeding or proud
it will not be long

it will not be long
until you bow your head
before you kneel
crumbling like a weary statue
with snow warping your hands
as you watch me
walk away
swift with the current.

~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~

Acquaintances and Paramours

Some people have all the luck. And all the love.
The Anonymous Lovelorn Gift-Giver...

And now, a letter.
Dear Anonymous Lovelorn Gift-Giver,
Why did you not sell your ring? Why did you not give it to me, or, if you are a financially stable man, come find me and date me and buy me lots of pretty things or maybe just pay for me to get an apartment and my maybe future tuiton? *Ahem* I mean, do not fear! Someone will love you! *Call me*
LOVE,
Paramour Mandala

Temporary Soundtrack: Patapan, a traditional French carol.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Forty drunken Santas rampaged through central Auckland..." More Here...
What I Learned Today: "Emily, a one-year-old tabby cat from the US state of Wisconsin, strayed into an air cargo container and before she knew it she was being unloaded in the eastern French city of Nancy. Unharmed, she was flown back in style." - From Yahoo's Odd News of 2005.

Dark-king, Light-king, Queens All

Back when two pawns
barely fit in my palm
I believed patterns
ruled the chess board

that the goal was to
mix black and white
find a home for gray
Until my men lived

in your land and yours
put down roots in mine.
Leave the royal scepters and
poison decanters behind!

The rooks will form bridges
stolid and un-burnable
interlace their bricks and
form open-faced windows

Knights will practice with
jousts of wooden swords
clasping arms in friendly combat
twirling pennants of dark and light

Bishops will gossip -
as old men pretend not to do -
whispering their robes and
flashing gold-strewn hands

Queens will share a giggle
trade recipes and ermine cloaks
weave stories and hair into plaits
let their pawns play together

And the kings, O the kings!
They will sprawl unceremoniously
in front of their thrones
Discuss geography, banquets,

jesters and favorite dogs
Lift the heavy crowns
off their bowed heads
and be men for the while

Colors will be strewn about
the patchwork earth will move
all the world that they know
will breathe a sigh and say

'Assassination
of the emperors be damned.
This is truly
the game of kings.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

¡Y mucho más! <-- Even More Poems

Letting Go of the Line

Western culture believes life is to be lived forward, with one hand kept to the straight line of time. Every second in time is created at the precise moment it occurs. There is no such thing as a future that exists ahead of the present. There is also no way to retrace your steps into the past. A glass wall that presses at your back lets memories be displayed without letting travellers mar the annals of history.

On Saturday afternoon, H. called. His period of sorting things out and getting his life back on track is over. He, obviously, wants us to get back together...realized during our time apart that he loves me more than ever, etc. I bluntly told him that I want to pursue my dreams, to become a game designer or possibly animator, and that the former was only possible in the U.S. (or, possibly, Canada or the U.K.). Certainly, game design programs of study are only available in select cities in the U.S. I told him he would have to leave his country, come here, and work or study here. That is the only way I would even consider getting back together with him - on my terms.

I called him back on Sunday (during the hour-and-a-half free time I had, though it only took twenty minutes) and read his e-mail at his request. In such, he unexpectedly promised to leave it all behind (once done with his studies at the Institute, which would be after another semester) and come to the U.S. to be with me. Ends of the earth, blah blah blah. I did not accept that, and told him I would only consider it if X, not Y, for his good as well as mine (I do not want to get into it all on this blog). Agreed to see him online on Thursday.

Now the fate would seem to rest in my hands. Do I move forward, eyes stoically trained on the blank desert before me? Feeling my way as the rope forms beneath my hands? Or do I let go of the line?

Dan and I had a wonderful time at Revels yesterday - more on that later.

Temporary Soundtrack: "Blue Sky Blue" <-- searching for the artist. Heard on WFDU on Saturday afternoon, 10th Dec. 2005, on I believe a program called "Carnival of Song."
Quote Trapped in My Head: Mixed up quotes from TDIR series, "Come live with me and be my love", and a few Revels songs.
What I Learned Today: Well, yesterday, actually. What Christmas Revels really entail. Mummers' plays, music, dance, and stories, and lots of fun! Thanks, Dan!

Now it is, then.

I think this might be the time
when I gently let my hand fall
from your strong, warm grip
and walk smoothly on ahead

I think this might be the place
along this winding, uphill path
where I pull my waist away
run laughing into the woods
and don't glance back

I think this might be the way
my journey with you needs to end
I drift away on swift currents
play mistress to the caprice
of eddies and ripples that shy
away from you

Now the hero must tell his beloved
"this fight is mine to win,
this task mine to finish."

Now the wilds beckon
the forest calls
the water sings
the heavens reach down
embrace me and carry me
away from you

~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~
Shh...a rare Antibacchus anadiplosis, hardly ever seen in the wild. <-- More Poetry

Alpha Zeta

A - Did Perseus rescue Andromeda, just to
spread her legs across the heavens,
sweat glistening as pinprick-lights on her thighs?

B - The original breast for a lullaby,
the smooth curves that come
with the onslaught of pregnancy.

C - So eager to please, if you please it,
yet giving while it takes, teasing caresses and
coaxing blushes from its prey.

D - An aging bachelor, just fed,
too sexless or proud
to hold his bulging stomach in.

E - My darling, amputated octopus,
a kiss waiting on each desperate arm.
Love will never touch its beak-flanked lips.

F - A falcon's frail-seeming claw
strikes both clouds and flesh
with the sharpest of blades.

G - The unforgiving hook dangling
from an angler-fish's forehead:
its camouflaged gullet swallows me hole.

H - Spider monkey skitters up
ready to set fire
burning his last bridge.

I - All sharp edges, this letter
will slice me, leaving me bereft,
my only friend a dull-blade infection.

J - Dragonfly in heat, fighting for purchase
on the slippery walls of this rocking canoe,
dipping its toes in the ripples.

K - Little girl lost drops her hairbow
left in the gutter because
it doesn't go with eyeshadow.

L - Rain over the waterfall
reborn in white foam, to the surface:
a daily death can't drown you.

M - Two children clasp hands, unwavering
even at first light, pillars stand
before the gate to the big, bad world.

N - There is a tunnel between you and God;
only if you kiss his feet
will it take you to him.

O - The moon when it inhales
breaks the perfection
of one immutable radius.

P - The veteran leans on his cane;
he still leaves a place
for his phantom leg to stand.

Q - Grandfather time has lost
his sharp hands to sleep
they prod his weary feet.

R - A pair of lovers dance the tango,
one stiletto-clad foot
drawing scars on the hardwood floor.

S - Come and go, hither and yon,
forge ahead and recoil sharp
dithering like a sidewinder's path.

T - Nature's most rigid tree,
manufactured by architects, eschewing circles
and roses for the comfort of spines.

U - Rib shapes flesh
skin caresses bone
the skeleton jitters home.

V - Aries lowered his horns only after
both sides of this bloody war
had died for such a peace.

W - Venomous, two-headed snake,
starving yourself for your pride,
both mouths refusing to become a tail.

X - The valley admires its reflection
just like an overconfident man
it sees itself as a mountain.

Y - The evenly split chambers
of a frog's tepid heart, fresh from
pond-splashing and courting the night.

Z - Here is the body bent in death
blank eyes staring at the angle of hell
meeting with that of heaven.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I'll take a large pastiche to go, please? <-- More Fun with Rhymes

I had a dream last night...and it fit me like a glove...

For the past two nights, I've had disturbing dreams, mostly for the reason that I am so accepting of my fate in these dreams. Kind of horror movie-esque, really, mixed with ghost stories. So, I don't remember what Tuesday night's frightfest entailed, but last night, I was on a trip. I was with three blonde girls, who packed their things. We went away somewhere, maybe somewhere warm, and minor drama ensued. I remember watching us from above, staring at the half-circle of the four of us standing around our bags, heads bowed. The girls were each different, and I knew one of them well, but I can't recall names, and they are certainly not real people I know. We went to a sort of between-flight place on our way elsewhere, which morphed into my back porch. The first 'night' we stayed there, the girls and I were outside when creepy, pale zombie-ghosts came up to us and tried to touch us to do who knows what. We bolted back inside and the things were gone. Then it was the next 'night' and our bags were left outside. How did I know it was a different night? It's a dream. I wanted to get our things, because there was a man that came leaping acrobatically from one end of the porch to the other. I had something dental hygiene related in my mouth that prevented me from speaking or making much noise; it had been there for a while. I waited until he was gone, then opened the heavy glass door, went to get the things, until I saw him, in his red-and-black clothes, come running at me from the woods. I ran for the door, couldn't get it open, tried to yell, but I couldn't get breath or sound to come out. He grabbed me,then was startled by some loud noise off screen. I was able to open the door and draw it closed while he was distracted, but he pounded on it once he saw it was shut. The other girls were either asleep or uncaring. And our stuff stayed outside.

Then it was magically midday, the way only dreams and edited film can be. There was some enormous sort of celebration at a field to the upper left of our porch. Fire-eaters, teams playing games, my dad suddenly there watching it all. Our cooler to take on our trip was out there, and people were taking from it, that much I remember. I was upset, but Dad said we could always restock. It was the idea of thievery that bothered me more than anything, I'm sure. Anyway, night fell, and I was outside getting something, when one more zombie-ghost came up. It was Jodie Foster.

Yes, Jodie Foster. Her eyes were wide, her skin pale, her hair medium-brown and tied half-up half-down. HEr face was either decaying or scarred near her hairline and on her cheek. She wore a dark robe or dress. She gripped my arm, fighting back vomit or possibly trying to catch enough afterlife-breath to speak. Then I realized two things:
1. They were trying to communicate with us, tell us something essential.
2. Her hand was warm on my arm.
She finally got her mouth open, started to speak-
-There was a loud buzz. My phone getting a text message. I woke up, realized it was 8:58 and my CD alarm clock despises me, and proceeded to rush around to get to work.

Lovely, yes-no?

Temporary Soundtrack: Well, obviously, I Had a Dream from TBS.
Quote Trapped in My Head: Chomh sean leis an cheo agus níos sine faoi dhó.
What I Learned Today: Nollaig means 'December' (or 'Christmas') in Irish Gaelic.