I Won't Grow Up!

You scored as Peter Pan. Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up. Peter Pan 81% Goofy 63% Sleeping Beauty 63% Ariel 56% The Beast 50% Cinderella 44% Cruella De Ville 44% Pinocchio 44% Donald Duck 38% Snow White 13% Which Disney Character is your Alter Ego? created with QuizFarm.com

Sky Over San Francisco, New Year's Eve Day 2004

It's a wicked looking sky, isn't it?

Riddles

Did you know sphinxes came in sepia?

Of Notes and Parts...

Why, oh, why, do they want me to play my trumpet on Easter for my church? A duet with my friend's dad, who happens to be a trombonist? Which means I'm spending my spare time transposing for my B-flat Bach Strad. I sound absolutely horrible, since I had not played in over three years until I picked up my metallic appendage a week ago. I think I might keep up the playing, though. It's good for my creative muscles to think once in a while.

Shocked the heck out of H. when I told him, though; he claims I never mentioned just how much I used to play. I'm just not one for playing up my strengths or my weaknesses, I guess. Besides, I've always felt it's better not to dwell on the past when we've got so many other things to deal with.

So I played for him over webcam. It's so strange how at home I feel with my trumpet in my hand. Not to wax poetic or anything, but the smell of valve oil, the coldness of the horn, the pain in my cheeks and lips after playing, all take me back. I remember learning to play, taking lessons, marching, and finally packing up the instrument for good. I played for ten years of my life; not nearly as much as I did dance for, but enough to make it like coming home every time I start to play.

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On another note (pun pun pun!):

I think I pissed off two of my friends in the span of a week. Just by being who I am, and generally getting in the way or not being there enough. Oh, and embarassed a third to no end - though I had help on that one.
So far, my MOA - Mission of Avoidance has been rather successful, but eventually someone is going to corner me. It just really struck me deeply what one of my friends said to me

You see, I know you've been worried about me for a while now, mostly because I let you see something was amiss; I had meditated on the possibility of letting you help me. But don't you see, you have your own things to worry about, and I am so strong that I can deal with anything life throws at me, that I can't need anyone else. I can't let you in, clue you in, let you know just what thoughts I've been nurturing in my head. Don't you see? You're better off not knowing the bad in life. I like to keep it all sweetness and light for you. I think you're so much better than I am, and when I think on all I've done, I don't want you to know those things, those parts of me.
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P.S. Happy Birthday Amna (yesterday). Another country represented, another friend lost.

Temporary Soundtrack: Gunship Politico ~ State Radio.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "I blinded my eyes,My face I turned away,I hardened my heart. For fear of my ruin." ~ The Wishing Well ~ Connie Dover

Real

I am angry
I am tired
I am beaten
I am saddened
I am doubting
I am guilty
I am joyful

I am unforgiving
I am capricious
I am deadly
I am stronger
I am loving
I am savage

I am fire
I am despair
I am beauty
I am pain
I am ice

I am given
I am despised
I am feared
I am worshipped

I am passion
I am depth
I am hope

I am impossible
I am real

I am love

Punching The Wall

Probably not a good idea, but I did it anyway.

Without going into too many details, here's what I need: someone I can trust who will hypnotize me (not an easy task) then ask me a series of pointed questions so I can find out some long-forgotten stuff. I will videotape this session and record the conversation on audiotape. Then, said trusted person will de-hypnotize me and miraculously forget everything I said.

Doesn't sound too probable to me, either.

I don't think I can do this anymore. And I was so excited about everything. It's just always there, in the back of my mind. And I can't trust anything or anyone. The doubt is worse than knowing would be, I am sure of it. What do I do?

Temporary Soundtrack: Cherry Lips - Garbage, from Beautiful Garbage
Quote Trapped in My Head: See my poem "Keep Them Tight"...that pretty much says it all.

On Valentine's Day

There was screaming
and soft rose petals
velvet red and lace white
Your Mother fainted

There was blood
and such an impressive
bouquet of flowers
I looked for a weapon

We never thought you
would end the day
with stitches and scars
And Cupid was cruel

There were bruises
my black tango skirt
your brilliant blue shirt
And we laughed it all away

There were purple grapes
covered in sweet cream
I fell asleep and awoke
to your soft admiration

I never thought that I
would end that day
of Lovers and Fighters
more in love than before

~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~

Para Mi Rey. And yes, this was the way el Día de los Enamorados, 2005, went for me.

Be prepared. This is not your grandmother's poetry... <-- More Poems

Separation

There are two things I will always remember about my time with you, my love, during our last visit:

The feeling of rose petals being scattered around me, tickling me awake from sleep, as you asked whether I was too tired for one more surprise.
The gentle touch of your lips, the softest caress in the world, as I slept in your arms in the restaurant, listening to you speak to your brother, your hand tangling in my hair, one strong arm holding up all my weight.

For Mi Rey, Mi Luna, Mi Corazon:
Te Amo.

Temporary Soundtrack: Mirate - La Ley
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Me gustaría inventar un país contigo // para que las palabras como pátria o porvenir // bandera, nación, frontera, raza o destino // tuvieran algún sentido para mí." - Geografía - La Oreja de Van Gogh