Champs

Hustle and salsa at work....the mad dancing has returned!! World championships, here I come!!!

Wired

I swear I'm so restless I'm shaking. It's weird. Usually when I'm sick, I just get tired and bored, and tired of being tired. But I am wired. I mean I am nervous, sure, but also really ready to jump out of my skin. I had to make myself run in place earlier just to get tired enough to sit down.

When I've been mad recently, my stomach has been churning and I feel like half of the world's endangered butterfly species are doing tangos and treating my stomach like a trampoline...all at once. So I've been dancing out my demons. Getting myself tired enough to sleep, trying not to slip off into daydream world or down memory waterfall. Concentrating on feeling my muscles move and stretch, bend and flex. I swear, I was meant to be an athlete, or a physically active person. A runner, or a jumper, or a dancer in another life. It calms me down, I can focus on just moving my body and getting everything in line, then moving again. Just calms me down, tires me out, keeps my mind from racing alond dangerous curves or moving sluggishly in a pointless maze.

I guess I've just been feeling a little down on myself lately. I haven't been a good friend, or a good relative, or sometimes even a good employee lately. It's hard not seeing any progress in my life. A lot of us feel the same way, but combined with my internal hourglass, I am just way hyped up. I'm looking forward to keeping my own hours and being by myself. Sometimes people just get to be so much to deal with that it wears me down and keeps me earthbound. And I don't have time for that.

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I feel so inept sometimes. I can't just keep my relationships on an even keel. I'm always dashing after some brass will o' the wisp or other. I just want friends, and I keep getting more or less. And I'm sick of all the drama and tension. I think I need a pet.
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Despite all of the above, I am totally looking forward to a rockin' Halloween party tomorrow night! It should be awesome times. I just love dressing up in costumes. It's the one night a year that those of us who don't regularly parade around can be someone else entirely, or even something else. What a chance!
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Unhelpful? Who, me? That's such a strong term...I prefer carefully non-interactive in a beneficial way.

Give Way

I just want to stop being sick for a while. The coughing gets so bad that I can't breathe in between the coughs. It's not the least bit fun and the sympathy bit has gotten old. I just wish I knew what it was so I could kick it's little disease-carrying behind.

On top of that, my two best friends in the world are in a fight, and I'm being pulled in two directions. Not that anyone's putting pressure on me to choose a side, I just hate this feeling of letting people slip away from me, of feeling like maybe we've outgrown each other. It makes me so sad sometimes to see people I love in pain. I can't bear it.

I just feel like everything's working up to a climax, to some big event, to some time when something will give way. Unstable elements can't stay in that state for long. It's just that sometimes those in the way of explosions and reactions don't always walk away unscathed.

And I'm getting confused about what I want. I think that this one thing would make my life complete, and now I see that's not the goal, not perfection, just happiness, a better world. I can't keep changing the way I think about every little thing, the way I feel about people every day. I need stability. But my tendency is just to run away. I just don't want the complexity anymore, to feel that I need to follow the rules of the game, that I'm a playing piece, a two-dimensional, unfeeling cardboard cutout that bends and jumps at the will of some other force.

I don't understand why my mind is trying to tell me that I'm running out of time. It's just a feeling, I don't know what, intuition, psychic vibes, whatever. This feeling of urgency is pushing at me, making me restless, distracting me. And I don't need distractions right now.

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So a famous rapper is running the NYC marathon to raise a cool million to give to NYC public schools and raise awareness of the plight of the NYC school system. So the children in the schools can grow up, and the little girls can become not just stereotyped and objectified women, but stereotyped and objectified women who are educated. Hell, it's the principle of the thing, right? Ends vs. means, only ends vs. later eventual ends in this case.

Why does this bother me so much? Personal, Societal, and International reasons. It's not cool. For example, on a well-known cable-TV show, scantily clad women jump up and down on trampolines, leap around and prance about in costumes. I flipped past one day, and a woman with two long blond braids in her hair was gyrating and thrusting to the music. She was wearing a modified Girl Scout-esque uniform. Sash with badges, mini skirt, knee-highs, cap, and blouse tied in a knot over her chest. Not just any G.S. uniform, though, a Junior's green one. So we're teaching men and boys to objectify girls from this age group...in other words, 9-11 year olds. Like there's not enough rape and child molestation in the world already? Let's start training girls when they're even younger. But hey, the dehumanization of half the world's population isn't the responsibility of the show, the actors, or the network, right? They're just getting paid, and so what if they capitalize on age-old traditions of abusing and degrading women.

I don't mind sexy outfits, dances, or women who do what they need to do to get by. What I do think is that I should be able to wear what I please without being labeled a tease, a slut, a whore, or stupid. Wearing a short skirt just means I like the way it looks, or I like the colors, or it makes me feel good to know that I think I'm beautiful. The problem comes from treating women like dogs, from looking at us like we're pieces of meat, or things that can be bought.

Sick

So I've been busy! And sick with a nagging cough that makes me sound like a lifelong smoker. As Emblem says, getting my germs everywhere. Don't know what's going on with that, but I bought some anti-cough stuff today, so we'll see.

Some have pointed out to me that this is not really a log of my life, more of like all of my thoughts poured out haphazardly on paper. To those people, I say, I invented the flaming woodchucks. Shame on you for doubting me.

Anyway, those very thoughts will comprise the essence of this posting. I have a bunch of jumbled verses and song snippets and dream remnants all swirling around in my vast, intriguing brain, and so as not to lose them, I have decided to write them down as invisible data streams. Oh, how smart of me. But anyway, I thought I'd let them ramble around in the big bad world for a while. See if they come back with any musings. Amusing, no?

I'm sinking in,
mesmerized
by the scars
on your skin.
I'm not trying
to hypnotize
still I capture
and you fall in.

I'm sorry, I don't mean
to draw you in this way,
though I did it all the same.
My spells are accidental
it's not nearly my fault,
but I'll take the blame.

It's true I don't
have many
addictions to feed.
The taste of your
skin is the only
drug I need.

Don't mind me
I'm just
jumping out
of my skin.
I can't wait
to have you
near me
once again.

In the scent
of your skin
I recognize
my heaven.
The taste of
your kiss
has me hooked
into this abyss.

And there's nothing
either one of us
can do to pull away.

Beg

You peck at me
scrambling for bread crumbs
in my hands, from my heart.
And you act like
you know me.
My friend from the start.

My life is your
specimen, it's gossip
open to speculation.
And you act so very
concerned
about my pain.
While you ask me
to sign my name.

I feel like a Jesus
but this is no temple
I am not safe from
vultures or theives.
And I can't help you.
No, I won't heal anyone.

How am I supposed
to heal your pain?
I've just met your
eager eyes and
spoken to your
unhearing ears.

How am I
supposed to fill
that emptiness
you've nurtured
all these years?

When will you drink
your fill from this
fishbowl I call life?
When will you stop
grabbing at my clothes,
unraveling the threads
of my life?

~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~

I'm sorry, but split lines are just not attractive on you.<-- More Poems

Brigadoon

Ok, can someone tell me why my Chilean Weather Pixie is always in a fog? I tried to get new code for him, but for some reason, that particular area always shows a foggy background for the poor boy. I know it can't be foggy 24/7 for months. Ahhh! La Serena is the new Brigadoon. Now I get it. Look, it's late, and I'm tired. If you don't get it, I'm not explaining it to you.

Unreadable

I'm sorry
I'm not the one with
grass stains on my knees.
I'm sorry
I'm not the one who'll
let you do anything you please.

I'm sorry
You can't wrap your
head around my ways
And I'm sorry
You're too narrow
to explore my brainwaves.

But not sorry enough I guess
to let you feed
off of my very best.
To sew up my mouth
Swallow intentions so sour
Let my eyes glass over
Let you steal my treasure trove or
To pretend that I care
Pretend I could ever be yours.

I'm sorry
I'm this twisted mass of
triumphant contradictions.
Can't understand me
without glossy definitions.
I'm sorry
You can't memorize me
to learn just what's
inside all of me.

And I'm so damn sorry
I can't let your ego
fill all of me
Till there's nothing left
Because I need me left
And I won't be left behind.

But not sorry enough I guess
to let you feed
off of my very best.
To sew up my mouth
Swallow intentions so sour
Let my eyes glass over
Let you steal my treasure trove or
To pretend that I care
Pretend I could ever be yours.

No, I won't leave me behind.
I won't pretend that I'm yours.
You can steal into my mind
you can take all that's mine
but you won't shake me
won't leave me behind.

~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~

Again, in song format. I guess all that live music I've been listening to has influenced me a bit!
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Update 2005: This is my least favorite poem. I can't even look at it without wincing. That's why it's called Unreadable.
Do me a favor and read something else, would you?
As easy as taking allusions from a Greek god... <-- More Poems

Unhelpful thought of the day: "And now, 89.0 FM gives you........the Flaming Woodchucks!" Think about it. Remember it. Someday, those woodchucks will be famous.

Georgetown

Just came back from D.C. (Georgetown) and this college in Pennsylvania, Messiah, were I saw two great concerts! I was able to explore a little bit at Georgetown and at Messiah, where A. & I played in the park and accidentally went stealth mode down the driveway of this amazingly beautiful farm property. The second concert was by far the better in terms of the songs played. I'm sorry I couldn't stick around to see Train perform on Friday, but my feet were about to fall off! I saw Sister Hazel, Vertical Horizon, and some of Train on Fri., and only the first two on Sat. But V.H.'s set was amazing! They played one of my favorite songs from Go for the first time live! And, they played my favorites from E.Y.W. as well. Sister Hazel was charming, and the electric guitarist and bassist were incredible! I was totally blown away by the way they made solos blend with the rest of the songs. And when V.H. broke into Eleanor Rigby, it was so cool! Anyway, I'm glad I got to go road tripping this weekend with my friends. I just wish I could have gotten more sleep! But, I can't blame a certain someone who snored like a small buzzsaw for that, no, not a word of blame. Actually, I got a bit of sleep in between concerts.

One of the coolest things was the weather! It was warm and sunny, with just enough breeze to not make me wish I had brought shorts. Yesterday was nice as well. Too bad I was so worn out and felt kind of queasy all day (probably from not eating properly during the weekend, then attempting to eat at the Cheesecake Factory on Sunday). Whatever, I'm so glad I get today off!

News Crumbs

I booked a flight to Chile to see H. I leave in January and come back six weeks later in February. I can't wait! Just in time for the southern hemisphere summer! I am sooo getting spoiled by the universe!

I have an awesome new mirror like this but with a mirrored edge of tiles instead of painted ones. It is next to my closet. I finally have a mirror in my room!! I'm so excited.

On Sat. night we went clubbing, it was fun, but not as much fun as it would have been with my friends. Oh well, have to go some other time!

Preparing for D.C. on Friday - Saturday, can't wait to see the concerts. All the same, I'm not a big fan of crowds, they get so pushy and out of control, it's crazy.
Well, at least it ought to be a great road trip with my girls!

My clothes are happy and they are ORGANIZED by warmth in my overflowing closet. I couldn't stand the mess yesterday, so I spent an hour or so hanging things up and making sense of the chaos. Now I just need to clean out my closet shelves (there are some weird things up there, like old games and colorforms and a viewmaster, as well as some things I'd rather not have in my closet...but the etch-a-sketch can't be beat! Also, need to organize my under-the-bed space. Then, I'm done! (Angels sing in choirs in the background!)

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Fields

crisp strands yield
below aching restless feet
groves of infant trees
bend them so easily
surveyors' ghosts measure topography
or our swiftly moving bodies
wildflower crowns cling, forgotten
we are stalks among the rest.

clouds are fake snow fantasies
above vivid kites with
hearts tied to tails for stability.
raspberry thorns mix blood and earth
old magicthat has no owners
sacrifice on the waiting stone tables
no secrets for you today.

never domesticated
yet sweet smell invades
so bitterness stays.
silicone spider webs whisper
man-made shadows over crisp hay
not yet baled in sunrise
to the pounding of earth
dried with my blood.
~~AEW~~