What the title said. San Francisco here we come. LOL. I just realized why I was singing "If you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair..."
Un beso y un abrazo!
Thursday, 30 December 2004
Wednesday, 29 December 2004
Well Met and Left
At three we chanced to meet
at least I believe so;
insert any number you prefer.
Yet light to dark, we met
By five we were inseparable,
unquestionably intertwined;
our exploits so life-shattering
with no journey's end in sight.
At seven we became lovers,
closer than ever intended:
an extrapolation of the
sweet process of discovery.
At nine they pulled you away,
unwilling limbs stretching
far from our secret nest.
I mourned and denied your memory.
At eleven our lives collided.
We tried to reconnect, to be as one,
but voyeurs and our own timidity
caught our hands and froze our tongues.
We truly believed we could
deceive the world, with all
our cleverly coded interactions
our wickedly innocent fumblings;
Recapture the magic of
your skin heating mine
your hair tangling with mine
your lips wetting mine.
Now, at this late hour,
another's head of black hair
rests heavily on my chest,
warm eyes caressing my face.
Another's soft brown lips
speak words of undying love
with ticklish breaths as
another's fingers capture mine.
And I shall not use again
all we learned early in the day,
For I have long since let you go:
Opened these pale arms to love.
~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
You've Dipped a Toe in, Now Come Swim... <--More Poems
at least I believe so;
insert any number you prefer.
Yet light to dark, we met
By five we were inseparable,
unquestionably intertwined;
our exploits so life-shattering
with no journey's end in sight.
At seven we became lovers,
closer than ever intended:
an extrapolation of the
sweet process of discovery.
At nine they pulled you away,
unwilling limbs stretching
far from our secret nest.
I mourned and denied your memory.
At eleven our lives collided.
We tried to reconnect, to be as one,
but voyeurs and our own timidity
caught our hands and froze our tongues.
We truly believed we could
deceive the world, with all
our cleverly coded interactions
our wickedly innocent fumblings;
Recapture the magic of
your skin heating mine
your hair tangling with mine
your lips wetting mine.
Now, at this late hour,
another's head of black hair
rests heavily on my chest,
warm eyes caressing my face.
Another's soft brown lips
speak words of undying love
with ticklish breaths as
another's fingers capture mine.
And I shall not use again
all we learned early in the day,
For I have long since let you go:
Opened these pale arms to love.
~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
You've Dipped a Toe in, Now Come Swim... <--More Poems
Friday, 24 December 2004
I Have This Gift To Bring
One Year
I made for my family
on Christmas morn early
a magnificent dreamcatcher
glimmering with the dark eyes
of peacock feathers and laughing
with the tinkling of beads.
Its cord was stretched taught
over a tarnished metal hoop
I laid it out carefully
under the tree
shaking with cold and anticipation
Another Year
I brought from the haze of Buenos Aires
an old peso, no longer in circulation,
its Sun face a bright gold,
a proud "1" displayed.
Quartered and attached
to four black strings: you could
pull it apart to make four sharp
necklaces to scratch the unwary
My father's hangs on his briefcase
Mine from my unused keychain
I have not seen the other two since
This Year
I bring them four plates
in the "Talavera" style from Puebla
newpaper-wrapped and carried in
a bag whose strap dug into my shoulder.
Green with fancy edges for papá
Blue and traditional for mamá
Sunflowers and lilies for mi hermana
And the sun and moon for mí misma
Let the food lie plentiful on these plates
and easy in their stomachs
for the rest of their lives.
They have grown used to my
unexpected gifts,
oddly prophetic as they are -
I know that a chance encounter
with any strange item
will make them think of me.
~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~
Take Your Time, the Poems Have Just Begun... <-- More Poetry
I made for my family
on Christmas morn early
a magnificent dreamcatcher
glimmering with the dark eyes
of peacock feathers and laughing
with the tinkling of beads.
Its cord was stretched taught
over a tarnished metal hoop
I laid it out carefully
under the tree
shaking with cold and anticipation
Another Year
I brought from the haze of Buenos Aires
an old peso, no longer in circulation,
its Sun face a bright gold,
a proud "1" displayed.
Quartered and attached
to four black strings: you could
pull it apart to make four sharp
necklaces to scratch the unwary
My father's hangs on his briefcase
Mine from my unused keychain
I have not seen the other two since
This Year
I bring them four plates
in the "Talavera" style from Puebla
newpaper-wrapped and carried in
a bag whose strap dug into my shoulder.
Green with fancy edges for papá
Blue and traditional for mamá
Sunflowers and lilies for mi hermana
And the sun and moon for mí misma
Let the food lie plentiful on these plates
and easy in their stomachs
for the rest of their lives.
They have grown used to my
unexpected gifts,
oddly prophetic as they are -
I know that a chance encounter
with any strange item
will make them think of me.
~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~
Take Your Time, the Poems Have Just Begun... <-- More Poetry
Wednesday, 22 December 2004
Mix CDs and Party Central
I have been making one mix CD after another. I use only my CDs or mp3s we have paid for, so no worries. Beyond that, I've been kept hopping being little Miss Social Butterfly this month. From juggling my friends and shopping to my parents' Annual Holiday Party this past Saturday, not to mention reading and singing at church, I've been flapping my wings like crazy.
The holiday party went off with a minumum of hitches. Hopefully I'll get pictures back sometime soon. Everytime I got up to do something, someone would grab me to talk; people I hadn't seen in ages or had never met. I barely ate anything, yet I managed to feel full all night. I kept gnoshing on mom's outrageously good dill dip and various desserts as we cleaned up the party rooms. Luckily, our house was made for parties like this. From the back "secret" passageway (for quick movement without stepping on guests) to the spacious rooms and many chairs, our house has quite the set up. However, I did have to abandon my friends on numerous occasions. Oh well, what can you do, but play the hostess and let everyone tell you how cute that little pointsettia flower looks in your hair?
A few days before the party, we had a raucous good time, me regaling my friends with some amusing tales, and woohoo-ing around the neighborhood. When we ate Chinese food and went shopping with Jason, we had some good times as well. But, much hilarity ensued all in all, among the stress. Last night I finally finished with presents. I don't care, I'm not buying any more. No matter what anyone says.
Hung out at Christine's tree-trimming party on Sunday, while Emblem was way too sick to be around, and took off before the snow started. I swear my room is so nice and cozy in winter. I love sitting up at night and staring out at the snow falling on the trees. I love winter! Also, got a raise on Monday and my bonus check, too!
I also heard from Amna on Monday night (trying to wrap gifts, natch) and she tried to get me to take a detour to LA on our San Francisco trip. Right, that 8 hour drive is so not happening, though I am worried that her husband might be overly possessive, and that she's having trouble with her 10-month old baby. Baked cookies yesterday with Alex until 1:00 in the morning; we got seriously loopy and remembered good times with LB.
Anyway, future plans include: finding and booking a flight to Chile. Church and the J-D family's house on Christmas Eve. Family, Food, and Movies on Christmas. Crazy family visits the days after Christmas. And, insane amounts of food and eggnog! Going to San Francisco on my birthday and coming back again. Going to Chile for a month. Coming back and being depressed. Did I leave anything out? No? Good.
List of Names of Mix CDs I want to make:
Introspective
Sexy
Off The Walls
Painful
Eclectic I, II, III, IV
Dancing Music
Water
Temporary Soundtrack: Candy Perfume Girl - Madonna
Quote Trapped in My Head: "It's as sterile as chess // Nobody'd guess // You were touching me between the love of God and sister mercy" - I Don't Want to Think About It - Wild Strawberries.
The holiday party went off with a minumum of hitches. Hopefully I'll get pictures back sometime soon. Everytime I got up to do something, someone would grab me to talk; people I hadn't seen in ages or had never met. I barely ate anything, yet I managed to feel full all night. I kept gnoshing on mom's outrageously good dill dip and various desserts as we cleaned up the party rooms. Luckily, our house was made for parties like this. From the back "secret" passageway (for quick movement without stepping on guests) to the spacious rooms and many chairs, our house has quite the set up. However, I did have to abandon my friends on numerous occasions. Oh well, what can you do, but play the hostess and let everyone tell you how cute that little pointsettia flower looks in your hair?
A few days before the party, we had a raucous good time, me regaling my friends with some amusing tales, and woohoo-ing around the neighborhood. When we ate Chinese food and went shopping with Jason, we had some good times as well. But, much hilarity ensued all in all, among the stress. Last night I finally finished with presents. I don't care, I'm not buying any more. No matter what anyone says.
Hung out at Christine's tree-trimming party on Sunday, while Emblem was way too sick to be around, and took off before the snow started. I swear my room is so nice and cozy in winter. I love sitting up at night and staring out at the snow falling on the trees. I love winter! Also, got a raise on Monday and my bonus check, too!
I also heard from Amna on Monday night (trying to wrap gifts, natch) and she tried to get me to take a detour to LA on our San Francisco trip. Right, that 8 hour drive is so not happening, though I am worried that her husband might be overly possessive, and that she's having trouble with her 10-month old baby. Baked cookies yesterday with Alex until 1:00 in the morning; we got seriously loopy and remembered good times with LB.
Anyway, future plans include: finding and booking a flight to Chile. Church and the J-D family's house on Christmas Eve. Family, Food, and Movies on Christmas. Crazy family visits the days after Christmas. And, insane amounts of food and eggnog! Going to San Francisco on my birthday and coming back again. Going to Chile for a month. Coming back and being depressed. Did I leave anything out? No? Good.
List of Names of Mix CDs I want to make:
Introspective
Sexy
Off The Walls
Painful
Eclectic I, II, III, IV
Dancing Music
Water
Tuesday, 21 December 2004
Insane Survey You'd Have to Pay Me to Take
001. What is your name? Mandala
002. Spell your name backwards: ruoy eman
003. Date of birth: 30 December 1980
004. Male or female? Femenina
005. Astrological sign: You can figure this one out.
006. Nicknames: Manna, Mandala, Mandrake, La Reina, Killah
007. Occupation: Account Executive, Help Desk, etc.
008. Height: 5'8" maybe?
009. Weight: ??? (I honestly don't know. I don't weigh myself.)<-- aye, aye, LB. I don't know how much I weigh.
010. Hair color: Dark brown with red highlights.
011. Eye color: Blue like the Sky.
012. Where were you born? In a hospital, unless my life up 'til now has been one huge lie.
013. Where do you reside now: Rockland County NY
014. Age: You can surely handle simple arithmetic.
015. Screen names: How about you tell me yours, and I contact you.
016. Are you online often? Yes, but I'm working during the day.
017. What does your screen name stand for? A native american spirit/healer.
018. What is your diary name? I don't name inanimate objects that could spill my secrets. And you can look at the title to my blog.
019. What does your diary name stand for? So, there was this hummingbird, right, and he was drinking this maple syrup, straight from the bottle, the way I knock back whipped cream, with his little sucking mouth. And he was going bucknutty.
020. Pets: I wish.
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? - I once set the altar flowers on fire by accident. Now I just eat cake in peace.
022. Piercings? - Six, all in my ears.
023. Tattoo's? - See the tattoo post for details.
024. Shoe size? - 7 1/2 or 8.
025. Righty or lefty? - Left with the mouse and select other things, right for drawing and writing.
026. Wearing: Brown suede pants and a lace-up dusky blue shirt.
027. Hearing: The heating system at work and my boss talking.
028. Feeling: Eager.
029. Eating/drinking: Triscuits. I forgot my water. Make 028 say "Dehydrated."
~Friends Stuff~
Which one of your friends is the....
030. Craziest? - Literally? Me.
031. Loudest? - Sarsie.
032. Nicest? - All of my friends are really sweet.
033. Bitchiest? - Why would I have bitchy friends?
034. Life of the party? - I'm the life of the party? That is so stellar! Ummm, Jayson. And Sarsie is the life of all parties.
035. Jock? - My boyfriend, the weightlifter. Hello!
036. Prep? - Christine.
037. Rebel? - Like I know any James Deans.
038. Cutest? - Cooky the dog or Mittens the cat.
039. Best friend of the same sex? - Don't make me pick one.
040. Best friend of the opposite sex? - Cole Slaw, but he's like my brother. But my boyfriend is my best guy pal,and Dan from school...
041. Most popular? - Are we in junior high here?
042. Rudest? - Again, why would I have rude friends?
043. Most shy? - I think you can say "shyest" here...anyway, Ian.
044. Most clueless? - Drunk or sober?
045. Smartest? - We are all intelligent in different ways.
046. Weirdest? - Me again. Aside from me, Raj.
047. Has the best hair? - Amna; I want her hair!
048. Best personality? - I like all of my friends' personalities.
049. Most talented? - We each express talents in distinct areas of life.
050. Most ghetto? - I'm going to ignore this one...
051. Most spoiled? - Have to agree with you, LB. But in a good way. 'Cuz you deserve it.
052. Drama queen? - Vicky.
053. Pain in the ass? - Thorny.
054. Funniest? - Michelle and Sarsie.
055. Best advice giver? - Raj and Christine.
056. Druggie? - Dude, like I'd tell you?
057. Most likely to join a cult? - Out of left field much? Probably Steve's evil twin.
058. Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? - Always.
059. Person you've been friends with the longest? - Michelle technically wins, though we lost touch for a while, so Lori.
060. How many friends do you have on your buddy list? - I'm not counting. A few.
~Love/Other Stuff~
061. Have you ever been in love? - I have.
062. How many people have you told "I love you"? Besides my friends and family? Two.
063. How many people have you been in love with? - Just one, I believe.
064. How many people have said I love you to you? - Five, not counting friends and family and playfulness.
065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? - Of course.
066. How many people have you dated? - I don't know, seven or eight?
068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? - His package. No, seriously, height.
069. What do you look for? - In a potential mate? Good genes. Actually, smile lines, or lack thereof; sincerity; idealism; motivation; similar or complementary ideas on the universe; tolerance; patience.
070. Do you have a bf/gf? - No boyfriend. No girlfriend.
071. If so where did you meet them? - Last boyfriend -->In a bar in Santiago, Chile.
072. What do you like most about your bf/gf?
073. Do you have a crush right now? - Never had one.
074. If so who is it? - Riiiiight. Moving on....
075. Do you believe in love at first sight? - Not on your life.
076. Do you remember your first love? - Considering it was only a few months ago, yes.
077. Who is the first person you really liked? - In a "let's go out way?" I'd rather not say.
078. Do you believe in fate? - "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - HAMLET, Act 1, Scene 5.
079. Do you believe in soul mates? - "I do, but not as in someone you'll marry. Someone you're connected to so immensely you can't imagine not having them in your life. That is my definition."<-- nice, Lori. People change so much, that the most you can hope for is to have someone who changes with you, or someone willing to adapt to you, let you grow into them, teach you and learn from you. Or a set of people for the different people you are in your life.
080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours? - As far as friends go, I can read some peoples' thoughts, I know them so well. And I've been pretty happy before, but I'm too mercurial for any one person to deal with.
~Family Stuff~
104. How many siblings do you have? - One.
105. What are your parents names? - V. and D.
106. What are your siblings' names? - Emblem
107. How many siblings does your mother have? - Three.
108. How many siblings does your father have? - Zero.
109. Where are your parents from? - Newburgh/Manhattan.
110. Is your family close? - Mom's side, sort of. On my Dad's, I wouldn't know them if they came up to me on the street. Though we recently had a family reunion, so now I'd know distant cousins that would never be on my street anyway.
111. Does your family get together for holidays? - Mostly, when they're talking.
112. Do you have a drunk uncle? - What the-not anymore.
113. Any medical problems run through your family? - Several types of cancer, poor eyesight, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? - Not that I know of.
115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? - Good golly, no. I do have a godson, though. :-)
116. Are your parents divorced? - No.
117. Do you have stepparents? - No.
118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? - Not so formally.
119. If so for what? - Why do you want to know?
120. Did some of your family come to the United States from another country? A long time ago. And recently, probably, from Ireland.
~Music Stuff~
121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? - Rushian by State Radio; Dracula Moon by Joan Osborne, Island by Ben Taylor.
122. What's the most embarrasing CD you own? - Something my aunt gave me called Cool Traxx.
124. What song do you absolutely hate? - You Are So Beautiful to Me. Don't ask, evil memories. And most Rod Stewart songs.
125. Do you sing in the shower? - Yes, and recite poetry too.
126. What song reminds you of that special someone? I Will Love You by Fisher; Sombra Negra by Totó La Momposina; Carry You by Dispatch.
~Favorites~
152. Color: Rainbow. And all shades of turquoise.
153. Food: Italian, pebre, dessert. Whipped Cream.
154. Song: How can I pick just one?
155. Show: They've all been cancelled.
156. School subject: When I was in school? Art.
157. Band/singer: Dispatch/Joan Osborne. I can't pick just one here either.
158. Animal: Leopard, wolf.
159. Outfit: My Turquoise wrap from Mexico, Black pants, comfy shoes, and some crazy shirt.
160. Radio station: Indie.
161. Movie: See The Lists post.
162. Pair of shoes: My three-inch Gold heels. Just kidding. My black sandals.
163. Cartoon: Still on? Teen Titans. Before? Talespin.
164. Actor: I don't really follow actors or actresses.
165. Actress: ...
166. Potato chip: Rrrrruffles.
167. Drink: This time of year? Eggnog. Otherwise, Orange Creme.
168. Alcholic drink: Mudslide. Or Pina Colada.
169. Holiday: Three Kings' Day. What, what did I say?
170. Perfume/cologne: Ooh, I know this one. I spent hours checking out perfume not a few days ago. I like Beyond Paradise, Moschino Couture, Escada Island Kiss, and Shi.
171. Pizza topping: Ziti.
172. Jello flavor: I'm not a big fan of jello. Too many jello salads back in the day. I guess orange.
173. Lunch meat: Turkey.
174. Board game: Mindtrap.
175. Video game: Riiiight. I like PC games.
176. Website: I can't pick. Neopets is fun for a diversion
177. Book: Don't even ATTEMPT to ask me to pick one. See The Lists post.
178. Computer game: The Longest Journey and Syberia. Myst rocked, The Jounreyman Project Trilogy, Dark Fall.
179. Number: 24, 64, 7.77
180. Cereal: Honey Bunches.
181. Comedian: I don't really follow...Margaret Cho.
182. Dessert: Canolis, Mom's Pilgrim Pie, Poke Cake, mmmm homemade whipped cream...oh, rapture!
183. Disney character: Don't have one.
184. Clothing store: Online shopping. Forever 21, Rampage.
185. Pasttime: Art-related stuff.
187. Childhood toy: My imagination. The climbing tree. And the pumpkin dollhouse from France.
188. Carnival game/ride: Spent hours at Quassy riding whatever rides we wanted. If you know Quassy, wave your carousel-horse pencil proudly.
189. Candy: Peppermint bark, yum! York mints and white-chocolate peanut butter cups.
190. Magazine: I don't have a favorite mag, but Spin is fun, as is EW. The NY Times Magazine, when I can catch it.
191. Salad Dressing: RANCH.
192. Thing to do on the weekend: Destroy evil monarchies.
193. Hot drink: Hot chocolate with a candy cane in it.
194. Season: Winter or summer.
195. Sport to watch: Football.
196. Person to talk to online: I like to talk to all my friends online. Lori makes me laugh, Ian is a scream, Dan is fun.
~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~
197. What color are your sheets? Light purple with patterns. - Unless I have the orange ones on...
198. What color are your bedroom walls? - Cream.
199. Have posters on your wall? - The eyes! The eyes! They follow me. I have pictures, and drawings, but no dreaded posters.
200. If so of what? ...
201. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? - Not anymore.
202. How many pillows are on your bed? - A billion. Plus two billion stuffed animals. Let's see...a body pillow (love it!), two regularish pillows, four throw pillows, two lumbar pillows...
203. What do you normally sleep in? - Besides a bed? Wraps/things that let me move and keep me cool.
204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: - Pajamas and me, not so much, cachai?
205. What size bed do you have? - Twin.
206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? - No.
207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? - No, my house has three already.
208. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? - Now and then.
209. Describe the last nightmare you had: - You don't want to go down that road. My dreams are really trippy.
210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - The stuffed animals let me sleep in their bed, whilst they sleep in it, around it, and all over my room.
211. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? - Me and a ghost who feels no pain. I kick. Hard.
212. Do you sleep in any unusual positions? - All the time.
213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? - Nope.
214. Do you snore? - No, I talk in my sleep, sometimes in strange languages. My most recent bout had me saying: "No, I don't want to go out with you!" and laughing fakely. Or so Emblem tells me.
215. How about drool? - Never.
216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? - Of course.
217. What color is the carpet in your room? - Light beige-pink.
218. What's under your bed? - The Land of Lost Items. Run by a peaceful tribe of dollclothians, the Land of Lost Items is a small, independent nation with bizarre landforms, including unused paper and scrapbooking material, as well as earrings, hair clips, and the dreaded Dust Bunnies. -- Paid for by the LOLI tourist council.
~Preferences~
219. Coke/Pepsi: Ginger Ale. Seagram's.
220. Doughnuts/bagels: Bagels. We're New Yorkers. What'd you expect?
221. Day/night: Late night/early daytime. Sunsets and sunrises.
222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: The whole compass.
223. Heaven/hell: I've got heaven wrapped up.
224. Make love/have sex: Make love.
225. Coffee/tea: Neither.
226. Hamburgers/hotdogs: Hamburger.
227. Rap/rock: Rock!!!
228. Britney/Christina: Do I have to? Aguilera.
229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: Cheddar. Fine, Swiss.
230. Real World/Road Rules: Don't make me watch these insipid shows.
231. Backstreet Boys/*Nsync: *Runs away screaming...*
232. Silver/gold: Both, please.
233. Nike/Adidas: I don't care.
234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: Wendy's.
235. Sweet/sour: Sweet. Like me. Sure.
236. Punk/emo: Both. At once. Loudly.
237. Hot/cold: Cold.
238. Winter/summer: Winter.
239. Spring/fall: Spring.
240. Operas/plays: Rock operas.
241. Read/watch tv: READ.
242. CD's/Tapes: CD.
243. DVDs/VHS: DVDs.
244. Old/new: Old/new what?
245. Shorts/skirts: Skirts all the way, hips to thighs to knees to toes, baby!
246. Pink/red: Red.
247. Color pictures/black and white photos: B/W with color accents are so cool. Generally color.
248. Meat/vegetables: Both. With rice.
249. Mexican food/chinese food: Chinese unless we're actually in Mexico.
250. Commercials/infomercials: Fast forward.
251. Scary movies/comedies: Scary
252. Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: Two piece suits.
253. Sandals/tennis shoes: Either. Just not one of each at a time.
254. Dogs/cats: Both.
255. Unicorns/fairies: What about them? They exist. Pick one? I'd rather be magic.
256. Water/land: Waterfalls.
257. Sugar/spice: Spice.
258. Black/white: Gray.
259. Ribbons/bows: Ribbons.
260. Chicken/beef: Eat More Chikin.
261. Colored christmas lights/white christmas lights: Colored.
262. Cars/trucks: Cars.
263. Austin Powers/James Bond: Bond.
264. Popcorn/pretzels: Pretzels.
265. Hip/hop: Hipshake, hopback.
266. Passionate kiss/peck: Depends on who's kissing whom.
267. WWE wrestling/ real wrestling: Real, if I must.
268. Backrub/foot massage: Backrub, I'm way too ticklish. Let's just skip the massage...
269. Picture frames/photo albums: ALBUMS!
270. Pens/pencils: Pencils. Mechanical ones.
~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following~
271. Eminem: Eh. Not as good as the candy.
272. Sports: Good to move.
273. God: I like the deity, don't get me wrong. Inspired some good music.
274. The Osbournes: I'd like to see the mother with purple hair...
275. Reality TV: Kill it! Let it die. Except for Queer Eye and decorating shows.
276. J.Lo: She's nice, hope it all goes well for her. She can give me money anytime.
277. Religion: Which one?
278. Emo music: Need to get the feelings out.
279. Valentine's Day: Cupid freaks me out, man. Why naked toddlers are all over the streets and stores is beyond me.
280. Christina Aguilera's comeback: The whole blonde bombshell from the 40s thing is ok. When will we live in a society where I can wear what I want without being labelled a whore or a messed-up little girl?
281. Homosexuals: need to be given equal rights <-- Right on, LB. People are people. Some are just cooler than others.
282. Abortion: My body, my life, my decision.
283. Interracial relationships: What is race?
284. Murder: Murder she wrote...da da da da dum, da da dun, da dah...
285. Death: Angel of,
286. Obesity: A growing problem.
287. Pre-marital sex: Try before you buy. Just wear a helmet and gloves, please.
288. Terrorism: One man's nationalism is another man's terrorism. Notice I said man. Killing others = bad.
289. Pornography: The story of porn.
290. Fortune tellers: They tell you your fortune will decrease. There was this gypsy (actually, I've run into quite a few of the Roma, but almost no real ones) who scared me with her ferocious need to tell me I had pretty eyes and that they could probably see the future.
291. Threesomes: Can make or break a relationship...actually, just break it.
292. Prostitution: Not so good.
294. Country music: Very little.
295. George W. Bush: is the world's worst magician, and a dangerous man.
296. Cloning: Can we clone my boss? We need his brain desperately.
297. Britney's boobs: Are none of my business. I care more about her plans to have many children.
298. Gas prices in America: I don't have a car.
~Name Game~
What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?...
299. Jack: Of All Trades.
300. Tiffany: Blue Box, or I think we're alone now...
301. Ben: Vereen
302. Mariah: Pariah
303. Jennifer: Lopez
304. Nicole: Nicolette
305. Amy: Sarsie's other name! YAY!
306. Adam: Edom cheese
307. Richard: Limp dick
308. Justin: Time Document Service. Yay Brazil!
309. Arnold: Tom
310. Tom: My crazy frisbee-chucking co-worker
311. Melissa: Etheridge?
312. Charlotte: Charleston chews
313. Harold: and his Purple Crayon
314. John: Port-O-
315. Joel: Jowls
316. Vanessa: Williams
317. Michelle: Excellent!
318. Kevin: Tevin Tsosie
319. Brent: ?
320. Karen: K.K.!
321. Billy: Goat
322. Sarah: Pretty and Short
323. Natalie: Buon Natale
324. Christy: I don't know any Christy...except that model.
325. Nick: Saint
326. Linda: Beautiful
327. Taylor: Dayne
328. Jordan: Air
329. Jaime: ?
330. Adrian: Brody
~Have You Ever....~
331. Mooned anyone? - No.
332. Been on a diet? - Not so much.
333. Been to a foreign country? - Several.
334. Broken a bone? - Knock on wood...
335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? - No.
336. Sworn at a teacher? - I don't believe so.
337. Talked to an LJ member via e-mails or instant message? - Only Lori.
338. Gotten in a fight? - Lots of times.
339. Dated a teacher? - Ewww.
340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? - No, fortunately not.
341. Thought about killing your enemy? - Yes.
342. Gone skinny dipping? - Probably. Checking memory banks...nope.
343. Met another LJ member in the flesh? - Probably.
344. Told a little white lie? - Just one?
345. Told a secret you swore not to tell? - I don't think so.
346. Used a foreign object to masturbate? - As in, made in China?
347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? - I don't swear often. Maybe in another language.
348. Been on TV? - I sit on the TV sometimes, 'cuz I'm a cat.
349. Been on the radio? - I hope not. I sound like a kid on the phone.
350. Been in a mosh pit? - Most likely.
351. Been to a concert? - Several.
352. Dated one of your best friends? - Next question...
353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? - Yes.
354. Deceived somebody close to you? - Wouldn't be human if I hadn't.
355. Broken the law? - Marginally, yes.
356. Been to a rodeo? - YES!
357. Been on a talk show? - In the audience.
358. Been on a game show? - Not on your life.
359. Been on an airplane? - Inside it many a time.
360. Gotten to ride on a firetruck? - Ummm...I'm not sure. Probably not.
361. Came close to dying? - Sort of.
362. Cheated on a bf/gf? - Yes.
363. Gave someone a piggy back ride? - Of course.
364. Terrorized a babysitter? - Yes.
365. Made a mud pie? - I doubt it.
366. Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff? - Every night.
367. Snuck out of the house at night? - Whose house? Yes.
368. Been so drunk you don't remember your name? - NO!
369. Had an eating disorder? - No, never felt the need.
370. Felt like you didn't belong? - Anyone who says no is lying.
371. Felt like the 3rd wheel? - Often.
372. Smoked? - Secondhand.
373. Done drugs? - Prescription only.
374. Stolen money from a poor person begging on the street? - Who wrote this survey?
375. Had your tonsils removed? - *Shudder* no.
376. Gone to camp? - Several.
377. Won a bet? - Never collected on it.
378. Written a love letter? - Many.
379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? - Contintent-hopping enough out of the way for you?
380. Written a love poem? - Read the poems section.
381. Kissed in the rain? - Mmmm...that was nice.
382. Slow danced with someone you love? - Yes, ma'am.
383. Participated in cyber sex? - Long distance relationship? Hello?
384. Stolen something from a store? - Not intentionally.
385. Stolen a kiss? - Thief of hearts, that's me.
386. Asked a friend for relationship advice? - All the time.
387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? - Never.
388. Watched the sunset/rise with someone special? - Mmmm..that was the best.
389. Gotten a speeding ticket? - No, don't Jinx me. Only done 90+ in Lori's car.
390. Done jail time? - I can still be hired as a convicted felon, right?
391. Had to wear a uniform to work? - No.
392. Won a trophy? - I believe so.
393. Thrown up in public? - How public are we talking here? In front of people I don't know well? Yes.
394. Bowled a perfect game? - No, sadly, my mom's prowess as a bowler was never taught to me.
395. Failed/got held back? - I failed a quiz once in the fifth grade.
396. Gotten perfect attendance in grade school? - Not likely.
397. Roasted pumpkin seeds? - We used to.
398. Taken ballet lessons? - For 15 years.
399. Attempted suicide? - ...
400. Cut yourself? - Who hasn't gotten a little cut now and then? It's not as if I live in a bubble.
~Childhood Stuff~
401. Did you play with Barbies? - Yes. My favorite was Moroccan barbie. She had the coolest outfit and hair.
402. Did you own Treasure Trolls? - No.
403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? - Only when my sister had control of the TV. And I usually ran screaming from the room.
407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? - Just the Land of Lost Items.
408. Did you wear underwear with the days of the week on them? - What would be the point?
409. Were you shy? - Eventually.
410. Were you spoiled? - Not so much.
411. Were you abused? - What kind of abuse?
412. Did you go to the circus? - Sometimes. I tried to run away but I was too wild for the circus to take in.
413. Did you go to the zoo?- Yes
414. Were you ever in a car accident? - Three. But never while I was driving.
415. Did you build snowmen? - Every large snowfall.
416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? - Probably.
417. Were your older cousins mean to you? ...
418. Did you think slinkies were cool? - They were interesting from a physics point of view.
419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? - I was mostly able to distinguish life from movies.
420. Were you afraid of the dark? - A little bit. More afraid of the unknown.
421. Did you have slumber parties? - Yes, but a lot more sleepovers.
422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, sleeping bags and pajamas? - Pajamas that I never wore. Wearing their faces on my 11-year old body seemed inappropriate and creepy.
424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? - Santa Claus brings me gifts. The old EB brings me candy and the Tooth Fairy gave me money. Why question free stuff?
~Randomness~
425. Do you believe in aliens? - Illegal or UFO-driving?
426. Name 3 things that are next to your computer: - This computer? Unused speakers, fancy electronic key fob with changing passcode, calendar for 2005.
427. Any hidden talents? - I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos? - That would be nice.
429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? - A fantasy or eerie thriller/drama.
430. What would your movie star name be? - What's wrong with Mandala Reina?
431. Do you play any sports? - Used to dance (still do, just not regularly). I play when it's warm enough to do so.
432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? - When I was little, Something Wicked This Way Comes.
433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? - Rabbit Proof Fence.
434. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen? - Ace Ventura movies.
435. Do you drive? - Not Miss Daisy.
436. What is your dream car? - A car.
437. What kind of car does your family most often drive? - Mazda 626 or Honda Accord.
438. Do others think you are good looking? - Shut up, Lori, you're pretty! I'm too sexy for this survey, too sexy for this sur-what?
439. Would you ever sky dive? - Let's go!
440. Do you believe in Bigfoot? - Perhaps, if I thought he had a good plan. I'm sure he'll go far in life.
442. Are you afraid of roller coasters? - Only if they hurt my neck.
443. Do you believe in God? - Good exists.
444. Do you believe in Satan? - Evil exists. Thanks, Piers Anthony.
445. Do you believe there is a heaven? - Didn't we go over this already?
446. Do you believe there is a hell? - This survey was made somewhere, right?
447. Do you own a pool table? - Actually, yes, it's downstairs buried under many other surprising things.
448. Do you have a pool? - Where would I put it?
449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? - It's a free-standing one.
450. Do you like chocolate? - Like is not a strong enough word.
451. Who/what is on your 2005 calendar? - Paintings by Native American artists.
452. Oooh, Eeeh, ooh ahh ahh, ching, chang, walla walla bing bang.
453. Wished on a shooting star? - Yes, Jiminy, now stop chirping before I step on you.
454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? - I liked my Hindu goddess one this year.
455. Do you carry any weapons on you? - Just the knife, and that was only for a period of a few weeks.
456. What is your weakness? - Fear of failing.
457. Name something you can't get enough of: Freedom
458. Do you ever want to get married? - Probably.
459. How many kids do you want to have? - None.
460. Future daughters' names: !!
461. Future sons' names: @@
462. What is your ideal way to die? - Not to.
463. How do you release stress? - Dance like a maniac. Draw, write poetry.
464. Are you a trendy person? - No.
465. Are you an artistic person? - What does that mean, artistic person? I like the arts, and people say I am artistic, so perhaps.
466. Are you a realistic person? - Pragmatic, but I daydream all the time.
467. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? - Almost never.
468. Are you a strong person? - Intense.
469. Are you a strong-willed person? - Very: when it counts I won't give up.
470. Who was the last person to e-mail you? - Christine.
471. Who was the last person to IM you? - Crys, and then I bailed on him.
472. Do you hate chain e-mails? - If you send me one, you will disappear off the face of the earth.
473. Are you a deep sleeper? - Not usually.
474. Are you a good story teller? - On paper more so than in person, but I'm working on it.
475. What do you believe is your best quality? - Creativity. Adaptability and Resourcefulness.
476. What is your greatest accomplishment? - Membership in PBK (*blush*). Dance recitals, too.
477. Do you like to burn candles or incense? - Candles. Vanilla, preferably.
479. Do you have your own credit card? - I have one.
480. Let's say you win the lotto. What do you do with all that money? - How much money? Let's say 25 million, which means you actually get 12 million. So, I pay off my family's debts, help them repair both houses, and be with my love. Save, start up a business maybe, give some away, give some to family and friends.
481. Do you have a checkbook? - Several.
482. Do you like your driver's license picture? - I don't mind being 16, but it's off-center.
484. What color is your hair naturally? - Dark brown with red highlights.
486. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit? - Don't remind me.
487. Is the glass half full or half empty? - I drink straight from the bottle. Fortunately, my drink of choice is water. Right now, that glass looks pretty mid-way to me. Want to measure with me?
489. Worst feeling in the world? - Hopelessness.
488. Best feeling in the world? - Euphoria so intense it fills you and lifts you up, makes you feel like you're floating. Mine comes from dancing or being with loved ones. I also like laughing so hard you can't breathe right.
489. Last website you were at? - Mine.
490. Last thing you downloaded? - Something for work.
491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? - Never.
492. What do you think people think of you? - Whatever they want to think.
493. Are you a likeable person? - Not usually. TRAP DOOR with the Sunshine thing, alright?
494. Do you need therapy? - Everyone does... If you don't, there's something wrong with you. <-- Right, Lori.
495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance? - Not yet.
496. What the best way to propose to someone? - With an open, honest heart and a ring.
497. What kind of movie would you star in? - We went over this already...
498. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge? - They would be Fed Up. Ha! Or FUX.
499. What's your favorite phrase? - Cálmate.
500. What are you thinking right now? - I love my new body lotion.
501. What character/characters in literature do you identify with? - Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet, Marcela in Don Quijote de la Mancha.
502. What movie character or characters do you identify with? - I'll have to think about this one.
Oh, God, why did I do that? That was insane. Well, anyway, I'm wiped. Peace out.
Temporary Soundtrack: River High - Chisel
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Men's eyes were made to look, and let them gaze; I will not budge for no man's pleasure, I." - Mercutio, Romeo and Juliet, Act 1 Scene 4.
002. Spell your name backwards: ruoy eman
003. Date of birth: 30 December 1980
004. Male or female? Femenina
005. Astrological sign: You can figure this one out.
006. Nicknames: Manna, Mandala, Mandrake, La Reina, Killah
007. Occupation: Account Executive, Help Desk, etc.
008. Height: 5'8" maybe?
009. Weight: ??? (I honestly don't know. I don't weigh myself.)<-- aye, aye, LB. I don't know how much I weigh.
010. Hair color: Dark brown with red highlights.
011. Eye color: Blue like the Sky.
012. Where were you born? In a hospital, unless my life up 'til now has been one huge lie.
013. Where do you reside now: Rockland County NY
014. Age: You can surely handle simple arithmetic.
015. Screen names: How about you tell me yours, and I contact you.
016. Are you online often? Yes, but I'm working during the day.
017. What does your screen name stand for? A native american spirit/healer.
018. What is your diary name? I don't name inanimate objects that could spill my secrets. And you can look at the title to my blog.
019. What does your diary name stand for? So, there was this hummingbird, right, and he was drinking this maple syrup, straight from the bottle, the way I knock back whipped cream, with his little sucking mouth. And he was going bucknutty.
020. Pets: I wish.
021. Number of candles you blew out on your last birthday cake? - I once set the altar flowers on fire by accident. Now I just eat cake in peace.
022. Piercings? - Six, all in my ears.
023. Tattoo's? - See the tattoo post for details.
024. Shoe size? - 7 1/2 or 8.
025. Righty or lefty? - Left with the mouse and select other things, right for drawing and writing.
026. Wearing: Brown suede pants and a lace-up dusky blue shirt.
027. Hearing: The heating system at work and my boss talking.
028. Feeling: Eager.
029. Eating/drinking: Triscuits. I forgot my water. Make 028 say "Dehydrated."
~Friends Stuff~
Which one of your friends is the....
030. Craziest? - Literally? Me.
031. Loudest? - Sarsie.
032. Nicest? - All of my friends are really sweet.
033. Bitchiest? - Why would I have bitchy friends?
034. Life of the party? - I'm the life of the party? That is so stellar! Ummm, Jayson. And Sarsie is the life of all parties.
035. Jock? - My boyfriend, the weightlifter. Hello!
036. Prep? - Christine.
037. Rebel? - Like I know any James Deans.
038. Cutest? - Cooky the dog or Mittens the cat.
039. Best friend of the same sex? - Don't make me pick one.
040. Best friend of the opposite sex? - Cole Slaw, but he's like my brother. But my boyfriend is my best guy pal,and Dan from school...
041. Most popular? - Are we in junior high here?
042. Rudest? - Again, why would I have rude friends?
043. Most shy? - I think you can say "shyest" here...anyway, Ian.
044. Most clueless? - Drunk or sober?
045. Smartest? - We are all intelligent in different ways.
046. Weirdest? - Me again. Aside from me, Raj.
047. Has the best hair? - Amna; I want her hair!
048. Best personality? - I like all of my friends' personalities.
049. Most talented? - We each express talents in distinct areas of life.
050. Most ghetto? - I'm going to ignore this one...
051. Most spoiled? - Have to agree with you, LB. But in a good way. 'Cuz you deserve it.
052. Drama queen? - Vicky.
053. Pain in the ass? - Thorny.
054. Funniest? - Michelle and Sarsie.
055. Best advice giver? - Raj and Christine.
056. Druggie? - Dude, like I'd tell you?
057. Most likely to join a cult? - Out of left field much? Probably Steve's evil twin.
058. Have you lost touch with a good friend recently? - Always.
059. Person you've been friends with the longest? - Michelle technically wins, though we lost touch for a while, so Lori.
060. How many friends do you have on your buddy list? - I'm not counting. A few.
~Love/Other Stuff~
061. Have you ever been in love? - I have.
062. How many people have you told "I love you"? Besides my friends and family? Two.
063. How many people have you been in love with? - Just one, I believe.
064. How many people have said I love you to you? - Five, not counting friends and family and playfulness.
065. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? - Of course.
066. How many people have you dated? - I don't know, seven or eight?
068. What's the first thing you notice about the opposite sex? - His package. No, seriously, height.
069. What do you look for? - In a potential mate? Good genes. Actually, smile lines, or lack thereof; sincerity; idealism; motivation; similar or complementary ideas on the universe; tolerance; patience.
070. Do you have a bf/gf? - No boyfriend. No girlfriend.
071. If so where did you meet them? - Last boyfriend -->In a bar in Santiago, Chile.
072. What do you like most about your bf/gf?
073. Do you have a crush right now? - Never had one.
074. If so who is it? - Riiiiight. Moving on....
075. Do you believe in love at first sight? - Not on your life.
076. Do you remember your first love? - Considering it was only a few months ago, yes.
077. Who is the first person you really liked? - In a "let's go out way?" I'd rather not say.
078. Do you believe in fate? - "There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy." - HAMLET, Act 1, Scene 5.
079. Do you believe in soul mates? - "I do, but not as in someone you'll marry. Someone you're connected to so immensely you can't imagine not having them in your life. That is my definition."<-- nice, Lori. People change so much, that the most you can hope for is to have someone who changes with you, or someone willing to adapt to you, let you grow into them, teach you and learn from you. Or a set of people for the different people you are in your life.
080. If so do you believe you'll ever find yours? - As far as friends go, I can read some peoples' thoughts, I know them so well. And I've been pretty happy before, but I'm too mercurial for any one person to deal with.
~Family Stuff~
104. How many siblings do you have? - One.
105. What are your parents names? - V. and D.
106. What are your siblings' names? - Emblem
107. How many siblings does your mother have? - Three.
108. How many siblings does your father have? - Zero.
109. Where are your parents from? - Newburgh/Manhattan.
110. Is your family close? - Mom's side, sort of. On my Dad's, I wouldn't know them if they came up to me on the street. Though we recently had a family reunion, so now I'd know distant cousins that would never be on my street anyway.
111. Does your family get together for holidays? - Mostly, when they're talking.
112. Do you have a drunk uncle? - What the-not anymore.
113. Any medical problems run through your family? - Several types of cancer, poor eyesight, diabetes, high blood pressure, etc.
114. Does someone in your family wear a toupee? - Not that I know of.
115. Do you have any nieces or nephews? - Good golly, no. I do have a godson, though. :-)
116. Are your parents divorced? - No.
117. Do you have stepparents? - No.
118. Has your family ever disowned another member of your family? - Not so formally.
119. If so for what? - Why do you want to know?
120. Did some of your family come to the United States from another country? A long time ago. And recently, probably, from Ireland.
~Music Stuff~
121. What song do you swear was written about you or your life? - Rushian by State Radio; Dracula Moon by Joan Osborne, Island by Ben Taylor.
122. What's the most embarrasing CD you own? - Something my aunt gave me called Cool Traxx.
124. What song do you absolutely hate? - You Are So Beautiful to Me. Don't ask, evil memories. And most Rod Stewart songs.
125. Do you sing in the shower? - Yes, and recite poetry too.
126. What song reminds you of that special someone? I Will Love You by Fisher; Sombra Negra by Totó La Momposina; Carry You by Dispatch.
~Favorites~
152. Color: Rainbow. And all shades of turquoise.
153. Food: Italian, pebre, dessert. Whipped Cream.
154. Song: How can I pick just one?
155. Show: They've all been cancelled.
156. School subject: When I was in school? Art.
157. Band/singer: Dispatch/Joan Osborne. I can't pick just one here either.
158. Animal: Leopard, wolf.
159. Outfit: My Turquoise wrap from Mexico, Black pants, comfy shoes, and some crazy shirt.
160. Radio station: Indie.
161. Movie: See The Lists post.
162. Pair of shoes: My three-inch Gold heels. Just kidding. My black sandals.
163. Cartoon: Still on? Teen Titans. Before? Talespin.
164. Actor: I don't really follow actors or actresses.
165. Actress: ...
166. Potato chip: Rrrrruffles.
167. Drink: This time of year? Eggnog. Otherwise, Orange Creme.
168. Alcholic drink: Mudslide. Or Pina Colada.
169. Holiday: Three Kings' Day. What, what did I say?
170. Perfume/cologne: Ooh, I know this one. I spent hours checking out perfume not a few days ago. I like Beyond Paradise, Moschino Couture, Escada Island Kiss, and Shi.
171. Pizza topping: Ziti.
172. Jello flavor: I'm not a big fan of jello. Too many jello salads back in the day. I guess orange.
173. Lunch meat: Turkey.
174. Board game: Mindtrap.
175. Video game: Riiiight. I like PC games.
176. Website: I can't pick. Neopets is fun for a diversion
177. Book: Don't even ATTEMPT to ask me to pick one. See The Lists post.
178. Computer game: The Longest Journey and Syberia. Myst rocked, The Jounreyman Project Trilogy, Dark Fall.
179. Number: 24, 64, 7.77
180. Cereal: Honey Bunches.
181. Comedian: I don't really follow...Margaret Cho.
182. Dessert: Canolis, Mom's Pilgrim Pie, Poke Cake, mmmm homemade whipped cream...oh, rapture!
183. Disney character: Don't have one.
184. Clothing store: Online shopping. Forever 21, Rampage.
185. Pasttime: Art-related stuff.
187. Childhood toy: My imagination. The climbing tree. And the pumpkin dollhouse from France.
188. Carnival game/ride: Spent hours at Quassy riding whatever rides we wanted. If you know Quassy, wave your carousel-horse pencil proudly.
189. Candy: Peppermint bark, yum! York mints and white-chocolate peanut butter cups.
190. Magazine: I don't have a favorite mag, but Spin is fun, as is EW. The NY Times Magazine, when I can catch it.
191. Salad Dressing: RANCH.
192. Thing to do on the weekend: Destroy evil monarchies.
193. Hot drink: Hot chocolate with a candy cane in it.
194. Season: Winter or summer.
195. Sport to watch: Football.
196. Person to talk to online: I like to talk to all my friends online. Lori makes me laugh, Ian is a scream, Dan is fun.
~Your Bedroom/Sleeping Habits~
197. What color are your sheets? Light purple with patterns. - Unless I have the orange ones on...
198. What color are your bedroom walls? - Cream.
199. Have posters on your wall? - The eyes! The eyes! They follow me. I have pictures, and drawings, but no dreaded posters.
200. If so of what? ...
201. Do you have a tv in your bedroom? - Not anymore.
202. How many pillows are on your bed? - A billion. Plus two billion stuffed animals. Let's see...a body pillow (love it!), two regularish pillows, four throw pillows, two lumbar pillows...
203. What do you normally sleep in? - Besides a bed? Wraps/things that let me move and keep me cool.
204. Describe your favorite pair of pajamas: - Pajamas and me, not so much, cachai?
205. What size bed do you have? - Twin.
206. Do you have a waterbed/bunkbed/daybed? - No.
207. Do you have your own phone line in your bedroom? - No, my house has three already.
208. Do you listen to music while trying to fall asleep? - Now and then.
209. Describe the last nightmare you had: - You don't want to go down that road. My dreams are really trippy.
210. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? - The stuffed animals let me sleep in their bed, whilst they sleep in it, around it, and all over my room.
211. How many people can comfortably sleep in your bed? - Me and a ghost who feels no pain. I kick. Hard.
212. Do you sleep in any unusual positions? - All the time.
213. Do you have to share your bedroom with a sibling? - Nope.
214. Do you snore? - No, I talk in my sleep, sometimes in strange languages. My most recent bout had me saying: "No, I don't want to go out with you!" and laughing fakely. Or so Emblem tells me.
215. How about drool? - Never.
216. Do you have an alarm clock in your room? - Of course.
217. What color is the carpet in your room? - Light beige-pink.
218. What's under your bed? - The Land of Lost Items. Run by a peaceful tribe of dollclothians, the Land of Lost Items is a small, independent nation with bizarre landforms, including unused paper and scrapbooking material, as well as earrings, hair clips, and the dreaded Dust Bunnies. -- Paid for by the LOLI tourist council.
~Preferences~
219. Coke/Pepsi: Ginger Ale. Seagram's.
220. Doughnuts/bagels: Bagels. We're New Yorkers. What'd you expect?
221. Day/night: Late night/early daytime. Sunsets and sunrises.
222. Wicked witch of the east/wicked witch of the west: The whole compass.
223. Heaven/hell: I've got heaven wrapped up.
224. Make love/have sex: Make love.
225. Coffee/tea: Neither.
226. Hamburgers/hotdogs: Hamburger.
227. Rap/rock: Rock!!!
228. Britney/Christina: Do I have to? Aguilera.
229. Swiss cheese/american cheese: Cheddar. Fine, Swiss.
230. Real World/Road Rules: Don't make me watch these insipid shows.
231. Backstreet Boys/*Nsync: *Runs away screaming...*
232. Silver/gold: Both, please.
233. Nike/Adidas: I don't care.
234. McDonalds/Taco Bell: Wendy's.
235. Sweet/sour: Sweet. Like me. Sure.
236. Punk/emo: Both. At once. Loudly.
237. Hot/cold: Cold.
238. Winter/summer: Winter.
239. Spring/fall: Spring.
240. Operas/plays: Rock operas.
241. Read/watch tv: READ.
242. CD's/Tapes: CD.
243. DVDs/VHS: DVDs.
244. Old/new: Old/new what?
245. Shorts/skirts: Skirts all the way, hips to thighs to knees to toes, baby!
246. Pink/red: Red.
247. Color pictures/black and white photos: B/W with color accents are so cool. Generally color.
248. Meat/vegetables: Both. With rice.
249. Mexican food/chinese food: Chinese unless we're actually in Mexico.
250. Commercials/infomercials: Fast forward.
251. Scary movies/comedies: Scary
252. Bikinis/one piece bathing suits: Two piece suits.
253. Sandals/tennis shoes: Either. Just not one of each at a time.
254. Dogs/cats: Both.
255. Unicorns/fairies: What about them? They exist. Pick one? I'd rather be magic.
256. Water/land: Waterfalls.
257. Sugar/spice: Spice.
258. Black/white: Gray.
259. Ribbons/bows: Ribbons.
260. Chicken/beef: Eat More Chikin.
261. Colored christmas lights/white christmas lights: Colored.
262. Cars/trucks: Cars.
263. Austin Powers/James Bond: Bond.
264. Popcorn/pretzels: Pretzels.
265. Hip/hop: Hipshake, hopback.
266. Passionate kiss/peck: Depends on who's kissing whom.
267. WWE wrestling/ real wrestling: Real, if I must.
268. Backrub/foot massage: Backrub, I'm way too ticklish. Let's just skip the massage...
269. Picture frames/photo albums: ALBUMS!
270. Pens/pencils: Pencils. Mechanical ones.
~What Is Your Opinion Of The Following~
271. Eminem: Eh. Not as good as the candy.
272. Sports: Good to move.
273. God: I like the deity, don't get me wrong. Inspired some good music.
274. The Osbournes: I'd like to see the mother with purple hair...
275. Reality TV: Kill it! Let it die. Except for Queer Eye and decorating shows.
276. J.Lo: She's nice, hope it all goes well for her. She can give me money anytime.
277. Religion: Which one?
278. Emo music: Need to get the feelings out.
279. Valentine's Day: Cupid freaks me out, man. Why naked toddlers are all over the streets and stores is beyond me.
280. Christina Aguilera's comeback: The whole blonde bombshell from the 40s thing is ok. When will we live in a society where I can wear what I want without being labelled a whore or a messed-up little girl?
281. Homosexuals: need to be given equal rights <-- Right on, LB. People are people. Some are just cooler than others.
282. Abortion: My body, my life, my decision.
283. Interracial relationships: What is race?
284. Murder: Murder she wrote...da da da da dum, da da dun, da dah...
285. Death: Angel of,
286. Obesity: A growing problem.
287. Pre-marital sex: Try before you buy. Just wear a helmet and gloves, please.
288. Terrorism: One man's nationalism is another man's terrorism. Notice I said man. Killing others = bad.
289. Pornography: The story of porn.
290. Fortune tellers: They tell you your fortune will decrease. There was this gypsy (actually, I've run into quite a few of the Roma, but almost no real ones) who scared me with her ferocious need to tell me I had pretty eyes and that they could probably see the future.
291. Threesomes: Can make or break a relationship...actually, just break it.
292. Prostitution: Not so good.
294. Country music: Very little.
295. George W. Bush: is the world's worst magician, and a dangerous man.
296. Cloning: Can we clone my boss? We need his brain desperately.
297. Britney's boobs: Are none of my business. I care more about her plans to have many children.
298. Gas prices in America: I don't have a car.
~Name Game~
What Do You Think Of When You Hear These Common Names?...
299. Jack: Of All Trades.
300. Tiffany: Blue Box, or I think we're alone now...
301. Ben: Vereen
302. Mariah: Pariah
303. Jennifer: Lopez
304. Nicole: Nicolette
305. Amy: Sarsie's other name! YAY!
306. Adam: Edom cheese
307. Richard: Limp dick
308. Justin: Time Document Service. Yay Brazil!
309. Arnold: Tom
310. Tom: My crazy frisbee-chucking co-worker
311. Melissa: Etheridge?
312. Charlotte: Charleston chews
313. Harold: and his Purple Crayon
314. John: Port-O-
315. Joel: Jowls
316. Vanessa: Williams
317. Michelle: Excellent!
318. Kevin: Tevin Tsosie
319. Brent: ?
320. Karen: K.K.!
321. Billy: Goat
322. Sarah: Pretty and Short
323. Natalie: Buon Natale
324. Christy: I don't know any Christy...except that model.
325. Nick: Saint
326. Linda: Beautiful
327. Taylor: Dayne
328. Jordan: Air
329. Jaime: ?
330. Adrian: Brody
~Have You Ever....~
331. Mooned anyone? - No.
332. Been on a diet? - Not so much.
333. Been to a foreign country? - Several.
334. Broken a bone? - Knock on wood...
335. Swallowed a tooth/cap/filling? - No.
336. Sworn at a teacher? - I don't believe so.
337. Talked to an LJ member via e-mails or instant message? - Only Lori.
338. Gotten in a fight? - Lots of times.
339. Dated a teacher? - Ewww.
340. Laughed so hard you peed your pants? - No, fortunately not.
341. Thought about killing your enemy? - Yes.
342. Gone skinny dipping? - Probably. Checking memory banks...nope.
343. Met another LJ member in the flesh? - Probably.
344. Told a little white lie? - Just one?
345. Told a secret you swore not to tell? - I don't think so.
346. Used a foreign object to masturbate? - As in, made in China?
347. Misused a swear word and it sounded absolutely stupid? - I don't swear often. Maybe in another language.
348. Been on TV? - I sit on the TV sometimes, 'cuz I'm a cat.
349. Been on the radio? - I hope not. I sound like a kid on the phone.
350. Been in a mosh pit? - Most likely.
351. Been to a concert? - Several.
352. Dated one of your best friends? - Next question...
353. Loved someone so much it makes you cry? - Yes.
354. Deceived somebody close to you? - Wouldn't be human if I hadn't.
355. Broken the law? - Marginally, yes.
356. Been to a rodeo? - YES!
357. Been on a talk show? - In the audience.
358. Been on a game show? - Not on your life.
359. Been on an airplane? - Inside it many a time.
360. Gotten to ride on a firetruck? - Ummm...I'm not sure. Probably not.
361. Came close to dying? - Sort of.
362. Cheated on a bf/gf? - Yes.
363. Gave someone a piggy back ride? - Of course.
364. Terrorized a babysitter? - Yes.
365. Made a mud pie? - I doubt it.
366. Had a dream that you're falling off a cliff? - Every night.
367. Snuck out of the house at night? - Whose house? Yes.
368. Been so drunk you don't remember your name? - NO!
369. Had an eating disorder? - No, never felt the need.
370. Felt like you didn't belong? - Anyone who says no is lying.
371. Felt like the 3rd wheel? - Often.
372. Smoked? - Secondhand.
373. Done drugs? - Prescription only.
374. Stolen money from a poor person begging on the street? - Who wrote this survey?
375. Had your tonsils removed? - *Shudder* no.
376. Gone to camp? - Several.
377. Won a bet? - Never collected on it.
378. Written a love letter? - Many.
379. Gone out of your way to be with the one you love? - Contintent-hopping enough out of the way for you?
380. Written a love poem? - Read the poems section.
381. Kissed in the rain? - Mmmm...that was nice.
382. Slow danced with someone you love? - Yes, ma'am.
383. Participated in cyber sex? - Long distance relationship? Hello?
384. Stolen something from a store? - Not intentionally.
385. Stolen a kiss? - Thief of hearts, that's me.
386. Asked a friend for relationship advice? - All the time.
387. Had a friend steal your bf/gf? - Never.
388. Watched the sunset/rise with someone special? - Mmmm..that was the best.
389. Gotten a speeding ticket? - No, don't Jinx me. Only done 90+ in Lori's car.
390. Done jail time? - I can still be hired as a convicted felon, right?
391. Had to wear a uniform to work? - No.
392. Won a trophy? - I believe so.
393. Thrown up in public? - How public are we talking here? In front of people I don't know well? Yes.
394. Bowled a perfect game? - No, sadly, my mom's prowess as a bowler was never taught to me.
395. Failed/got held back? - I failed a quiz once in the fifth grade.
396. Gotten perfect attendance in grade school? - Not likely.
397. Roasted pumpkin seeds? - We used to.
398. Taken ballet lessons? - For 15 years.
399. Attempted suicide? - ...
400. Cut yourself? - Who hasn't gotten a little cut now and then? It's not as if I live in a bubble.
~Childhood Stuff~
401. Did you play with Barbies? - Yes. My favorite was Moroccan barbie. She had the coolest outfit and hair.
402. Did you own Treasure Trolls? - No.
403. Did you watch Beverly Hills 90210? - Only when my sister had control of the TV. And I usually ran screaming from the room.
407. Did you believe there were monsters in your closet or under your bed? - Just the Land of Lost Items.
408. Did you wear underwear with the days of the week on them? - What would be the point?
409. Were you shy? - Eventually.
410. Were you spoiled? - Not so much.
411. Were you abused? - What kind of abuse?
412. Did you go to the circus? - Sometimes. I tried to run away but I was too wild for the circus to take in.
413. Did you go to the zoo?- Yes
414. Were you ever in a car accident? - Three. But never while I was driving.
415. Did you build snowmen? - Every large snowfall.
416. Did you cry when you scraped your knee? - Probably.
417. Were your older cousins mean to you? ...
418. Did you think slinkies were cool? - They were interesting from a physics point of view.
419. Did you think the Ninja Turtles really lived in the sewer? - I was mostly able to distinguish life from movies.
420. Were you afraid of the dark? - A little bit. More afraid of the unknown.
421. Did you have slumber parties? - Yes, but a lot more sleepovers.
422. Did you have New Kids On The Block sheets, sleeping bags and pajamas? - Pajamas that I never wore. Wearing their faces on my 11-year old body seemed inappropriate and creepy.
424. Did you believe in the Easter Bunny/Santa Claus/ and the Tooth Fairy? - Santa Claus brings me gifts. The old EB brings me candy and the Tooth Fairy gave me money. Why question free stuff?
~Randomness~
425. Do you believe in aliens? - Illegal or UFO-driving?
426. Name 3 things that are next to your computer: - This computer? Unused speakers, fancy electronic key fob with changing passcode, calendar for 2005.
427. Any hidden talents? - I'm not at liberty to divulge that information.
428. Do you wish MTV would play music videos? - That would be nice.
429. If you were to star in a movie, what kind of movie would it be? - A fantasy or eerie thriller/drama.
430. What would your movie star name be? - What's wrong with Mandala Reina?
431. Do you play any sports? - Used to dance (still do, just not regularly). I play when it's warm enough to do so.
432. What's the scariest movie you've ever seen? - When I was little, Something Wicked This Way Comes.
433. What is the best movie you've seen in the theater or rented recently? - Rabbit Proof Fence.
434. What is the dumbest movie you've ever seen? - Ace Ventura movies.
435. Do you drive? - Not Miss Daisy.
436. What is your dream car? - A car.
437. What kind of car does your family most often drive? - Mazda 626 or Honda Accord.
438. Do others think you are good looking? - Shut up, Lori, you're pretty! I'm too sexy for this survey, too sexy for this sur-what?
439. Would you ever sky dive? - Let's go!
440. Do you believe in Bigfoot? - Perhaps, if I thought he had a good plan. I'm sure he'll go far in life.
442. Are you afraid of roller coasters? - Only if they hurt my neck.
443. Do you believe in God? - Good exists.
444. Do you believe in Satan? - Evil exists. Thanks, Piers Anthony.
445. Do you believe there is a heaven? - Didn't we go over this already?
446. Do you believe there is a hell? - This survey was made somewhere, right?
447. Do you own a pool table? - Actually, yes, it's downstairs buried under many other surprising things.
448. Do you have a pool? - Where would I put it?
449. Do you have a dishwasher in your kitchen? - It's a free-standing one.
450. Do you like chocolate? - Like is not a strong enough word.
451. Who/what is on your 2005 calendar? - Paintings by Native American artists.
452. Oooh, Eeeh, ooh ahh ahh, ching, chang, walla walla bing bang.
453. Wished on a shooting star? - Yes, Jiminy, now stop chirping before I step on you.
454. Best Halloween costume you ever wore? - I liked my Hindu goddess one this year.
455. Do you carry any weapons on you? - Just the knife, and that was only for a period of a few weeks.
456. What is your weakness? - Fear of failing.
457. Name something you can't get enough of: Freedom
458. Do you ever want to get married? - Probably.
459. How many kids do you want to have? - None.
460. Future daughters' names: !!
461. Future sons' names: @@
462. What is your ideal way to die? - Not to.
463. How do you release stress? - Dance like a maniac. Draw, write poetry.
464. Are you a trendy person? - No.
465. Are you an artistic person? - What does that mean, artistic person? I like the arts, and people say I am artistic, so perhaps.
466. Are you a realistic person? - Pragmatic, but I daydream all the time.
467. Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off? - Almost never.
468. Are you a strong person? - Intense.
469. Are you a strong-willed person? - Very: when it counts I won't give up.
470. Who was the last person to e-mail you? - Christine.
471. Who was the last person to IM you? - Crys, and then I bailed on him.
472. Do you hate chain e-mails? - If you send me one, you will disappear off the face of the earth.
473. Are you a deep sleeper? - Not usually.
474. Are you a good story teller? - On paper more so than in person, but I'm working on it.
475. What do you believe is your best quality? - Creativity. Adaptability and Resourcefulness.
476. What is your greatest accomplishment? - Membership in PBK (*blush*). Dance recitals, too.
477. Do you like to burn candles or incense? - Candles. Vanilla, preferably.
479. Do you have your own credit card? - I have one.
480. Let's say you win the lotto. What do you do with all that money? - How much money? Let's say 25 million, which means you actually get 12 million. So, I pay off my family's debts, help them repair both houses, and be with my love. Save, start up a business maybe, give some away, give some to family and friends.
481. Do you have a checkbook? - Several.
482. Do you like your driver's license picture? - I don't mind being 16, but it's off-center.
484. What color is your hair naturally? - Dark brown with red highlights.
486. How many cavities did you have at your last dentist visit? - Don't remind me.
487. Is the glass half full or half empty? - I drink straight from the bottle. Fortunately, my drink of choice is water. Right now, that glass looks pretty mid-way to me. Want to measure with me?
489. Worst feeling in the world? - Hopelessness.
488. Best feeling in the world? - Euphoria so intense it fills you and lifts you up, makes you feel like you're floating. Mine comes from dancing or being with loved ones. I also like laughing so hard you can't breathe right.
489. Last website you were at? - Mine.
490. Last thing you downloaded? - Something for work.
491. Do you catch yourself using online terms in your real life? - Never.
492. What do you think people think of you? - Whatever they want to think.
493. Are you a likeable person? - Not usually. TRAP DOOR with the Sunshine thing, alright?
494. Do you need therapy? - Everyone does... If you don't, there's something wrong with you. <-- Right, Lori.
495. Do you take medication for a chemical imbalance? - Not yet.
496. What the best way to propose to someone? - With an open, honest heart and a ring.
497. What kind of movie would you star in? - We went over this already...
498. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge? - They would be Fed Up. Ha! Or FUX.
499. What's your favorite phrase? - Cálmate.
500. What are you thinking right now? - I love my new body lotion.
501. What character/characters in literature do you identify with? - Mercutio in Romeo and Juliet, Marcela in Don Quijote de la Mancha.
502. What movie character or characters do you identify with? - I'll have to think about this one.
Oh, God, why did I do that? That was insane. Well, anyway, I'm wiped. Peace out.
Wednesday, 15 December 2004
Life is Neither Good nor Evil
I might be getting a raise! And I am most definitely getting a bonus, a nice one. Yay! Yippee! Means I can buy a ticket to Chile without killing my bank account.
Whatever life is, right now, it's good. Which, makes me nervous. Seems like the good and bad have to balance out for most mere mortals. Unless you're a Golden Child (I know a few) or an EUP (Extremely Unlucky Person, of which I know a few as well). But I have been mostly lucky in my life so far. It's usually been my idiotic actions that cause me trouble. Usually.
Temporary Soundtrack: Canto Canto - Natalia Oreiro
Quote Trapped in My Head: "I'd sell my rock // I'd sell my reel // I'd sell my only spinning wheel, to buy my love a sword of steel // Is go dté tú mo mhúirnín slán" - Suíil a Rúin
Whatever life is, right now, it's good. Which, makes me nervous. Seems like the good and bad have to balance out for most mere mortals. Unless you're a Golden Child (I know a few) or an EUP (Extremely Unlucky Person, of which I know a few as well). But I have been mostly lucky in my life so far. It's usually been my idiotic actions that cause me trouble. Usually.
Thursday, 2 December 2004
Soft Box
I had forgotten
that for you
capturing my wings
is but a moment's work
I am thoughtlessly
chased, stilled and grounded
all with one breath
from your cold lips
With a swift wave
from your clawed hands
you close the door
on this soft box of life
Now my iridescence
is long gone; it has
left me to my dark
where I beat my fists in vain
~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~
Let Someone Else Make Up The Rhymes... <-- More Poetry
that for you
capturing my wings
is but a moment's work
I am thoughtlessly
chased, stilled and grounded
all with one breath
from your cold lips
With a swift wave
from your clawed hands
you close the door
on this soft box of life
Now my iridescence
is long gone; it has
left me to my dark
where I beat my fists in vain
~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~
Let Someone Else Make Up The Rhymes... <-- More Poetry
Puebla, Mexico, and Turkeys
My whole theme, if you will, for my trip to Mexico (realized on 14th Noviembre, returning 20th Noviembre, late at night) was to be friendly, open, really happy and upbeat. In short, a ball of professional sunshine, but getting to know everyone outside of work. The people were so nice, and never let me pay, and showed me all the best parts of Puebla, the town, and kept telling me how little I ate and encouraging me to talk and be part of their group. I had fun, I did, being this really outgoing version of myself, accommodating and nice, always happy. It was so exhausting, though. I'd come back to my hotel room wiped all the time.
Maybe that sounds a little selfish, but I'm just not a person people call "Sunshine" (insert two instances in my life as exception here, then move on). Being so open and easy-going does not come naturally to me. I am secretive, with good reason. I am cold, and outside, and apart from a lot of things in this world. As Emblem related to me recently, I am nothing if not intense. Just, an intense personality, as she put it. Every emotion keenly felt and rippling beneath my blank exterior, which I have in recent years let fall by the wayside. To display an actual personality, any emotion but anger, took me years to accomplish. And I still have to work at it.
Slam back from the introspection into diary mode. SLAM! At least I warned you.
Thanksgiving was good, better than I though it would be, with my aunt and uncle and my step-cousin and her boyfriend. Pilgrim pie is my favorite thing to eat around the holidays. I could be happy eating a ton of my aunt's homemade mashed potatoes and even more of my mom's pilgrim pie with mounds of fresh-made whipped cream. That is, quite literally, a slice of heaven with clouds on top. We sat around and played Sequence until we all were too tired to count to five, then trundled off to bed. I woke up early and spent time with my ever-more distant aunt, though that time is never as sweet as it used to be when I was a young girl who woke up early to watch TV and cuddle on the couch with her. The choices she has made, the husband she has married so late in her life, the way they all tolerate muy insufferable trashy step-cousin, all pull me away from her. It has always been said that I am a younger version of her, with my fiery temper and sarcastic nature, our luck at games, our silliness. That bond has been stretched. Not broken, but distorted, a mere shadow of itself. And it is like a dull ache when I see her, asking to be renewed. She started cutting it, absentmindedly, unintentionally, and I just pulled on the string, like a kite striving to see the world, unheeding of the holder of the handle. That's life as a kite. Capricious, unintentionally cruel, and inanimate. Straining without logic against the only bonds that hold you up, keep you aloft, keep you safe from trees, and from losing yourself in the clouds.
Makes a certain sort of sense that I should be such an intense flyer. I always did like losing myself in the clouds.
Ready? Wait for it.... SLAM!
Gotcha!
We finally booked our trip for San Francisco! We're leaving on my birthday and coming back on the second. Amid jokes of see you next year, which I always forget, and always make me laugh to hear. I'll be 24. One of my favorite numbers. Magic number. Number of hours in a day, according to human time. Divisible evenly by 1,2,3,4,6,8,12, and, of course, 24. I want poke cake for my birthday, but I doubt I can convince my mom to make it for me. It's just the yummiest, even if it is humble and involves jello. And cannot compare to my mom's pilgrim pie. And eggnog. I never really enjoyed eggnog when I was little. Too plain for me. But I discovered a sudden, inexplicable taste for it last year during the holidays. With lots of nutmeg. Intense flavor for an intense gal.
Hopefully I can visit H., mi rey, mi acushla, in January. My boss mentioned a possible raise (oh, for joy) but who knows. If it comes down to it, I'd rather he bought me a computer or a lifetime's supply of airline tickets. Maybe I'll bring H. a celtic ring. I have my own claddagh ring, given to me not by a great love but as a graduation present from an Irish (that is, from Ireland) cousin I can't recall meeting. My dad's side, that would be. I love it but I am bad at rings, I can't ever quite get comfortable wearing them. Case in point, my lightest-of-light gold ring, which has H.'s name and the date he gave it to me, which matches his ring, also feather-light and thin. I want to take the heart off my neck and replace it with the ring, but he'd rather I not, considering that's a symbol of rejection where he comes from. Anyway, maybe I'll get him a manly claddagh, or a celtic knot ring. I'll bring his parents the blanket I got in Mexico, him the tees and other gifts, and hope that will be enough.
Mom's party on Friday, Hanging of the Greens on Saturday, and caroling on Sunday. I'd say I'm booked. For a little while each day at least. Oh, no! I have to climb into the crawlspace attic to get all the Christmas stuff down. AND bring it up from downstairs. I hit my head at least twice. It's tradition. I just hope I can find the hard hat this year...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unhelpful quote of the day: "Fa la la la-aaah, screw it."
Maybe that sounds a little selfish, but I'm just not a person people call "Sunshine" (insert two instances in my life as exception here, then move on). Being so open and easy-going does not come naturally to me. I am secretive, with good reason. I am cold, and outside, and apart from a lot of things in this world. As Emblem related to me recently, I am nothing if not intense. Just, an intense personality, as she put it. Every emotion keenly felt and rippling beneath my blank exterior, which I have in recent years let fall by the wayside. To display an actual personality, any emotion but anger, took me years to accomplish. And I still have to work at it.
Slam back from the introspection into diary mode. SLAM! At least I warned you.
Thanksgiving was good, better than I though it would be, with my aunt and uncle and my step-cousin and her boyfriend. Pilgrim pie is my favorite thing to eat around the holidays. I could be happy eating a ton of my aunt's homemade mashed potatoes and even more of my mom's pilgrim pie with mounds of fresh-made whipped cream. That is, quite literally, a slice of heaven with clouds on top. We sat around and played Sequence until we all were too tired to count to five, then trundled off to bed. I woke up early and spent time with my ever-more distant aunt, though that time is never as sweet as it used to be when I was a young girl who woke up early to watch TV and cuddle on the couch with her. The choices she has made, the husband she has married so late in her life, the way they all tolerate muy insufferable trashy step-cousin, all pull me away from her. It has always been said that I am a younger version of her, with my fiery temper and sarcastic nature, our luck at games, our silliness. That bond has been stretched. Not broken, but distorted, a mere shadow of itself. And it is like a dull ache when I see her, asking to be renewed. She started cutting it, absentmindedly, unintentionally, and I just pulled on the string, like a kite striving to see the world, unheeding of the holder of the handle. That's life as a kite. Capricious, unintentionally cruel, and inanimate. Straining without logic against the only bonds that hold you up, keep you aloft, keep you safe from trees, and from losing yourself in the clouds.
Makes a certain sort of sense that I should be such an intense flyer. I always did like losing myself in the clouds.
Ready? Wait for it.... SLAM!
Gotcha!
We finally booked our trip for San Francisco! We're leaving on my birthday and coming back on the second. Amid jokes of see you next year, which I always forget, and always make me laugh to hear. I'll be 24. One of my favorite numbers. Magic number. Number of hours in a day, according to human time. Divisible evenly by 1,2,3,4,6,8,12, and, of course, 24. I want poke cake for my birthday, but I doubt I can convince my mom to make it for me. It's just the yummiest, even if it is humble and involves jello. And cannot compare to my mom's pilgrim pie. And eggnog. I never really enjoyed eggnog when I was little. Too plain for me. But I discovered a sudden, inexplicable taste for it last year during the holidays. With lots of nutmeg. Intense flavor for an intense gal.
Hopefully I can visit H., mi rey, mi acushla, in January. My boss mentioned a possible raise (oh, for joy) but who knows. If it comes down to it, I'd rather he bought me a computer or a lifetime's supply of airline tickets. Maybe I'll bring H. a celtic ring. I have my own claddagh ring, given to me not by a great love but as a graduation present from an Irish (that is, from Ireland) cousin I can't recall meeting. My dad's side, that would be. I love it but I am bad at rings, I can't ever quite get comfortable wearing them. Case in point, my lightest-of-light gold ring, which has H.'s name and the date he gave it to me, which matches his ring, also feather-light and thin. I want to take the heart off my neck and replace it with the ring, but he'd rather I not, considering that's a symbol of rejection where he comes from. Anyway, maybe I'll get him a manly claddagh, or a celtic knot ring. I'll bring his parents the blanket I got in Mexico, him the tees and other gifts, and hope that will be enough.
Mom's party on Friday, Hanging of the Greens on Saturday, and caroling on Sunday. I'd say I'm booked. For a little while each day at least. Oh, no! I have to climb into the crawlspace attic to get all the Christmas stuff down. AND bring it up from downstairs. I hit my head at least twice. It's tradition. I just hope I can find the hard hat this year...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unhelpful quote of the day: "Fa la la la-aaah, screw it."
Tuesday, 9 November 2004
Backyard Archaeology - A Very Short "Memoir"
The cat bones lay in my closet, wrapped in their plastic shell, for years.
Actually, we had never really proved the bones came from a cat; they could have been the remains of a dead squirrel. I remember picking them up out of the dirt, my long brown pigtails brushing the ground as I bent my back, squatting with my knees under my chin. The stream, our sacred river, rushed by as we went about our work, too busy bringing sustenance to the land to attend to the fallen in the battle of life. I remember sunlight, spotted between the shadows of leaves.
My father, always teaching my sister and I to love knowledge, suggested that we collect and study the pale, hard bones. How they ended up in my closet for over ten years, I'll never know. Perhaps it would have been more ceremonial to wrap them in a shroud, or to bury them with a makeshift cross (as we did to each fish that had left us for thhat big tank in the sky), but a plastic food container served them well. Their home was peppered with seashells when I unceremoniously threw them out one day, cleaning out my closet without the air of marked finality that usually accompanies cleansing rituals.
I didn't bid adieu to the clothes I tossed; nor did I linger over the sneakers that needed retiring. The toys went downstairs, to be sold or given away. The art supplies were dutifully stored in my closet; I preferred a simple pencil or charcoal and a scrap of paper anyway. But the cat bones never harmed me, and hardly took up any space. There was simply no place for death in my life anymore.
What a strange thought. The opposite of life is not death. It is nothing. Life is everything. Everything that has ever been, that is, and that will ever be. But nothing...just try to picture nothing...I see a white room with gray shadows. A void. But even this has color, has feeling, has shape. Nothing is always scarier than something. But try and "see," try and imagine nothing...I dare-
No. No more dares. No more driving home my words with biting suggestions, intimations, and my uniquely cold voice. Even thinking of it makes my mind slip back into Ice Queen mode, as some have called it. And not without reason. Coldness, cruelty, are so hard to pull away from. It's not just the power, though that gives you the strength to fight back. It's the rush, the satisfaction, until even that disappears and you don't realize how far you've gone. You call it progress, but it feels empty. Lines and gestures on a stage, pulling and pushing at the audience, but never meaning a single word.
I've spent too long living my life in third person - driving the me out of my soul, my actions, my words - to find out who I am, what I'm like. I'm not even an I, just a conglomerate of the bits and pieces of my lifelong performance that got rave reviews. What could I say that would have the most effect? What would read the best? Just how far should I narrow my eyes? Worse than a disease. And I had no antibodies. Not even a former version of myself, an innocent self, cringing inside my plasticine shell. That malleable, moldable outside and inside that I presented anew each time I met someone. What would make me irresistible?
I broke free from this seductive prison long before I threw away the cat bones. They were not even the start, the genesis of my life as a chameleon. They reminded me of what I had to build, and of what I had. Just bones: no heart, no tendons, no thoughts; disjointed, unable to stand on their own.
Actually, we had never really proved the bones came from a cat; they could have been the remains of a dead squirrel. I remember picking them up out of the dirt, my long brown pigtails brushing the ground as I bent my back, squatting with my knees under my chin. The stream, our sacred river, rushed by as we went about our work, too busy bringing sustenance to the land to attend to the fallen in the battle of life. I remember sunlight, spotted between the shadows of leaves.
My father, always teaching my sister and I to love knowledge, suggested that we collect and study the pale, hard bones. How they ended up in my closet for over ten years, I'll never know. Perhaps it would have been more ceremonial to wrap them in a shroud, or to bury them with a makeshift cross (as we did to each fish that had left us for thhat big tank in the sky), but a plastic food container served them well. Their home was peppered with seashells when I unceremoniously threw them out one day, cleaning out my closet without the air of marked finality that usually accompanies cleansing rituals.
I didn't bid adieu to the clothes I tossed; nor did I linger over the sneakers that needed retiring. The toys went downstairs, to be sold or given away. The art supplies were dutifully stored in my closet; I preferred a simple pencil or charcoal and a scrap of paper anyway. But the cat bones never harmed me, and hardly took up any space. There was simply no place for death in my life anymore.
What a strange thought. The opposite of life is not death. It is nothing. Life is everything. Everything that has ever been, that is, and that will ever be. But nothing...just try to picture nothing...I see a white room with gray shadows. A void. But even this has color, has feeling, has shape. Nothing is always scarier than something. But try and "see," try and imagine nothing...I dare-
No. No more dares. No more driving home my words with biting suggestions, intimations, and my uniquely cold voice. Even thinking of it makes my mind slip back into Ice Queen mode, as some have called it. And not without reason. Coldness, cruelty, are so hard to pull away from. It's not just the power, though that gives you the strength to fight back. It's the rush, the satisfaction, until even that disappears and you don't realize how far you've gone. You call it progress, but it feels empty. Lines and gestures on a stage, pulling and pushing at the audience, but never meaning a single word.
I've spent too long living my life in third person - driving the me out of my soul, my actions, my words - to find out who I am, what I'm like. I'm not even an I, just a conglomerate of the bits and pieces of my lifelong performance that got rave reviews. What could I say that would have the most effect? What would read the best? Just how far should I narrow my eyes? Worse than a disease. And I had no antibodies. Not even a former version of myself, an innocent self, cringing inside my plasticine shell. That malleable, moldable outside and inside that I presented anew each time I met someone. What would make me irresistible?
I broke free from this seductive prison long before I threw away the cat bones. They were not even the start, the genesis of my life as a chameleon. They reminded me of what I had to build, and of what I had. Just bones: no heart, no tendons, no thoughts; disjointed, unable to stand on their own.
REM
My excitement over getting to see REM live in concert! at MSG*! on Thursday (Nov. 4th) made me careless. I broke my rule of always having a paper and pencil on my person at all times. Because of this, I lost a poem I composed while listening to them. I lost it in the deepest recesses of my mind. I even made myself repeat it out loud (softly, under my breath) at the time, and I still forgot it. I only remember the first part of the first verse. And I don't remember where the poem was meant to go at the end! Sigh. Such is life.
That said, it was a small price to pay for the joy of seeing Michael Stipe pants himself.
And to feel that beat, the bass, or the drums, that urges your heartbeat on. That merges with the pulse of your body until you can't tell whether your heart is echoing that beat, or it's all in your imagination.
A remarkably staid concert for me, sitting far away and wishing the tech people would use the screens. I rocked out in my seat, singing along softly (so as not to disturb anyone around me). I went with Alex and some of her friends, and we hardly talked, what with sitting all in a row and with loud music all around. Wonderful, amazing, music, that made me glad I said yes to this concert, and the memory of it spurs me on to imagine more verse, more mental pictures, more love in this world.
*MSG = Madison Square Garden, New York City, NY.
Temporary Soundtrack: REM, I Wanna D.J.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "I'll trip, fall, pick myself up and / walk unafraid / I'll be clumsy instead / Hold my love me or leave me / high..." - REM, Walk Unafriad
That said, it was a small price to pay for the joy of seeing Michael Stipe pants himself.
And to feel that beat, the bass, or the drums, that urges your heartbeat on. That merges with the pulse of your body until you can't tell whether your heart is echoing that beat, or it's all in your imagination.
A remarkably staid concert for me, sitting far away and wishing the tech people would use the screens. I rocked out in my seat, singing along softly (so as not to disturb anyone around me). I went with Alex and some of her friends, and we hardly talked, what with sitting all in a row and with loud music all around. Wonderful, amazing, music, that made me glad I said yes to this concert, and the memory of it spurs me on to imagine more verse, more mental pictures, more love in this world.
*MSG = Madison Square Garden, New York City, NY.
Thursday, 4 November 2004
Vanished
You're gone.
It's over.
Done.
Your life - finished.
Say it, get it out there -
Dead.
To the world, to me -
Gone
gone in the dissolution
of sharp, sweet, sugar granules
on my tongue -
I've swallowed you
so painfully.
gone with the slow extraction of
light from sunset, of
dark from sunrise -
You've killed both
day and night.
gone in the lost innocence
of children grown old
before their time -
I've aged them with
my abandonment.
vanished, banished, released
from behind prison bars, the very things
holding you up at the end -
Free from mortal affairs.
You are Gone.
Dead.
Floating above the earth
- or below it -
carelessly naked and unconcerned.
Space-time bores you.
Physics cannot trap you
in paradox.
And (to you)
I -
I am gone.
I am dead, over, finished,
lost in the mists;
my burdened thoughts
particles
separated by your
ghost wind.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
You Still Have More to Learn... <-- More Poetry
It's over.
Done.
Your life - finished.
Say it, get it out there -
Dead.
To the world, to me -
Gone
gone in the dissolution
of sharp, sweet, sugar granules
on my tongue -
I've swallowed you
so painfully.
gone with the slow extraction of
light from sunset, of
dark from sunrise -
You've killed both
day and night.
gone in the lost innocence
of children grown old
before their time -
I've aged them with
my abandonment.
vanished, banished, released
from behind prison bars, the very things
holding you up at the end -
Free from mortal affairs.
You are Gone.
Dead.
Floating above the earth
- or below it -
carelessly naked and unconcerned.
Space-time bores you.
Physics cannot trap you
in paradox.
And (to you)
I -
I am gone.
I am dead, over, finished,
lost in the mists;
my burdened thoughts
particles
separated by your
ghost wind.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
You Still Have More to Learn... <-- More Poetry
Wednesday, 3 November 2004
Kerry Concedes the Blues
Why, oh, why, now, Kerry,
Why, did you concede?
Tell us...
why, oh, why, now, Kerry,
Why, did you concede?
We gave you all, I said a-a-all,
our sweat and tears.
We gave you a-huh-all, to belay-hee-ay
our fears.
We trust in you-oo-oo-hoo,
and we still do-o,
but you've, you've gone and
condemned us
to another four ye-eh-ears.
Why, oh, why, now, Kerry,
Why, did you give in?
Tell us...
why, oh, why, now, Kerry,
Why, did you let him wi-in?
We would have fought hard,
so hard, Lord, so ha-ard,
to make you our man.
We would have followed you-hoo-oo-oo
and helped you in all
of your plans.
But now we've heard, yes they say,
they say, so they say,
that you've given up
on post-eleh-eh-eh-eh-eh-ehction da-ay.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Temporary Soundtrack: Hello, did you not read my blues song? Sheesh, people. I'm crying over here.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Run for the hills! Or, in my case, the Andes mountains." - Me.
Why, did you concede?
Tell us...
why, oh, why, now, Kerry,
Why, did you concede?
We gave you all, I said a-a-all,
our sweat and tears.
We gave you a-huh-all, to belay-hee-ay
our fears.
We trust in you-oo-oo-hoo,
and we still do-o,
but you've, you've gone and
condemned us
to another four ye-eh-ears.
Why, oh, why, now, Kerry,
Why, did you give in?
Tell us...
why, oh, why, now, Kerry,
Why, did you let him wi-in?
We would have fought hard,
so hard, Lord, so ha-ard,
to make you our man.
We would have followed you-hoo-oo-oo
and helped you in all
of your plans.
But now we've heard, yes they say,
they say, so they say,
that you've given up
on post-eleh-eh-eh-eh-eh-ehction da-ay.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Tuesday, 2 November 2004
I Want a Push-Lever Voting Booth for Christmas
I would use it every day. I would vote on what I want to eat for each meal, what I want to do that night, whether or not to call my friends or eat dessert. I could even keep it in my bedroom and use it for the naugh-I mean, bedroom stuff. It would be so much fun. Oh, and the novelty of fooling around in a voting booth - that doesn't wear off. Or, so I've heard. Right.
What's your favorite use for a voting machine?
Temporary Soundtrack: Jefferson Starship - Volunteers of America
Quote Trapped in My Head: "This place is fantastic; it's like "Gone With The Wind" on mescaline. They walk imaginary pets here, Garland---on a fucking leash. And they're all heavily armed and drunk." - MITG(OGAE)
What's your favorite use for a voting machine?
Votar vs. Botar
In Spanish, both "v" and "b" can be (in a number of regions) pronounced with the same sound: "b". The verb "votar" means to vote. The verb "botar" means to throw out, to throw away, to get rid of. Interesting to see whose votes will be "botado" (thrown out) and whose will actually be voted.
More linkage fun:
Fair Vote's Election Predictions - Follow the polls as they close from East to West.
Vote Pair - Although you can't vote pair now, you can read about this interesting proposition. Completely legal.
Temporary Soundtrack: Totó La Momposina: Sombra Negra
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Sun's gonna burn out some day/you recognize/you'll be out of things to say/you recognize/that everybody's gonna die/even you/so what's a party girl to do?...you can rely on no one, no one baby..." - Laura Dawn, Recognize
More linkage fun:
Fair Vote's Election Predictions - Follow the polls as they close from East to West.
Vote Pair - Although you can't vote pair now, you can read about this interesting proposition. Completely legal.
High on Voting
Voting gives me such a feeling of power. The problem is whether or not that power is real. Voting is virtually the only official way we as citizens have of making a difference in the political system. We can campaign, we can write letters, protest, run for a position ourselves, but voting is a right and a protected one at that.
Some interesting sites on voting:
Video Vote Vigil - Protecting Voting Rights
Vote Watch 2004 - Information on Intimidation, Vote Suppression, Election Fraud, etc.
The Swing State Project - Curious About Swing States? How is the election doing in these states?
Rock The Vote - Voting Tips, Candidate Info, just a heck of a lot of important stuff.
Polling Point Survey
Two articles from People for the American Way:
And, my personal favorite:
Project Vote Smart - Find out information about who's running in your area, for which positions, which parties candidates are affiliated with, etc. Use the NPAT (National Political Awareness Test) tool to find out candidates' real opinions on key issues.
Temporary Soundtrack: State Radio - Rushian
Quote Trapped in My Head:
Some interesting sites on voting:
Video Vote Vigil - Protecting Voting Rights
Vote Watch 2004 - Information on Intimidation, Vote Suppression, Election Fraud, etc.
The Swing State Project - Curious About Swing States? How is the election doing in these states?
Rock The Vote - Voting Tips, Candidate Info, just a heck of a lot of important stuff.
Polling Point Survey
Two articles from People for the American Way:
Run-Up to Election Exposes Widespread Barriers to Voting
The Long Shadow of Jim Crow: Voter Intimidation and Suppression in America Today
And, my personal favorite:
Project Vote Smart - Find out information about who's running in your area, for which positions, which parties candidates are affiliated with, etc. Use the NPAT (National Political Awareness Test) tool to find out candidates' real opinions on key issues.
Thursday, 28 October 2004
Leaf Tattooing
Whoever started this, I hope you have nightmares about people-eating trees for the rest of your life.
Fateful Kindness
While in Mendoza, Argentina, in Sept. of 2002, I befriended a scraggly, scarred street puppy who devoloped an undying devotion to me. Before I fed him. I was nice to him, gave him water from my bottle (I poured it out so he could drink it), and lightly pet him. That's how I discovered his scars and patches. Anyway, he proceeded to follow me all around the parks of the city, me and my bag and my sketchbook, with my little map leading me astray. I made a deal with myself (after several hours of being tailed) that if he followed me all the way to a store, I would buy him some food. I was alone, my companion (one of my coursemates) having taken off to visit a family he stayed with years ago in the countryside. I bought the little red dog (I think I named him Russet or Rust-dog, or perhaps Cinnamon, in my head; I can't remember) two thin, breaded meat patties (the closest I could find to meat on a Sunday) and fed him them in bits and pieces while in a park. He followed me unwaveringly. I walked all around that city that day, and he always stayed a few steps behind, never pushing. He did, however, insert himself into several pictures, with amusing results. He refused to leave until I had snapped the picture and moved away. In this manner, he dispayed such a remarkable intelligence (he only served to make the pictures better, after all, and chose which ones to enter) that I developed a grudging respect for him. At one point, I returned to my hotel, and they kept him outside, dumping a bag full of juicy, meat-covered bones they kept for just such a purpose on the ground. He set to, and I walked away, only to feel his nose push against my leg a few cross-streets later. Eventually, we were parted when it was time for me to leave from the bus station (he tried to follow me into the bathroom and got shooed). But I'll always remember that he gave up the best meal he'd probably ever had for me.
Plaza in Mendoza, Argentina. Rust-dog.
Plaza in Mendoza, Argentina. Rust-dog.
Tuesday, 26 October 2004
10,000 Small Sacrifices
I have tried being
every type of lover...
The seductive Cleopatra
with my pheromone mist
intoxicating your brain
expert toys and silky chemises
for any 'romantic' occasion
The inexperienced ingénue
that everyone wants
to teach sinful things to
plaid skirt and librarian hair
wearing my innocence like a shield
The tantric goddess Rati
so knowledgable and tempting
my saliva like the juice
of forbidden fruits on skin
all positions skillfully executed
The indomitable Ice Queen
biting words and walls so thick
that let the hero's passion in
trembling and turning to quicksilver
rebuilt at night for each performance
Even the reluctant prey
with trapped wrists or raking nails
shaking rage giving way to pleasure
but fighting the invader still
to a fumbling, guilty ecstasy
...but I only end up
feeling dissatisfied
more and more unclean
-ritually or otherwise-
washing slippery hands
brushing my teeth
erasing the scent of love
until the urge arises again
and I give another small
sacrifice on command.
~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~
Solecism is part of free speech, man! Dude, you can't suppress the solecism! <-- Yet More Poetry
every type of lover...
The seductive Cleopatra
with my pheromone mist
intoxicating your brain
expert toys and silky chemises
for any 'romantic' occasion
The inexperienced ingénue
that everyone wants
to teach sinful things to
plaid skirt and librarian hair
wearing my innocence like a shield
The tantric goddess Rati
so knowledgable and tempting
my saliva like the juice
of forbidden fruits on skin
all positions skillfully executed
The indomitable Ice Queen
biting words and walls so thick
that let the hero's passion in
trembling and turning to quicksilver
rebuilt at night for each performance
Even the reluctant prey
with trapped wrists or raking nails
shaking rage giving way to pleasure
but fighting the invader still
to a fumbling, guilty ecstasy
...but I only end up
feeling dissatisfied
more and more unclean
-ritually or otherwise-
washing slippery hands
brushing my teeth
erasing the scent of love
until the urge arises again
and I give another small
sacrifice on command.
~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~
Solecism is part of free speech, man! Dude, you can't suppress the solecism! <-- Yet More Poetry
Wanting
My God, but you've got
a wicked way of wanting
every blessed thing
that can never be yours...
So sly, so self-repressed,
you never really live
in this torrid, messy world
yet judge us just the same.
And my Lord, do you ever have
this smug smile I despise.
You mold it out of plastic but
your kiss tastes of rotting sugar.
Baby, all the things you do
to make your dead heart feel
won't make the universe spin
your twisted little way.
You want to play at God
and command the undying love
of every single person
who will never be yours...
You caress us with your claws
carving out our rebellion.
We are disfigured statues
created to make you beautiful.
You can drown us in streambeds,
but water deviates, it floods,
mixes to make mud, our blood
dirties your willing hands.
~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~
Wake up and smell the allegory, child! <-- More Poems
a wicked way of wanting
every blessed thing
that can never be yours...
So sly, so self-repressed,
you never really live
in this torrid, messy world
yet judge us just the same.
And my Lord, do you ever have
this smug smile I despise.
You mold it out of plastic but
your kiss tastes of rotting sugar.
Baby, all the things you do
to make your dead heart feel
won't make the universe spin
your twisted little way.
You want to play at God
and command the undying love
of every single person
who will never be yours...
You caress us with your claws
carving out our rebellion.
We are disfigured statues
created to make you beautiful.
You can drown us in streambeds,
but water deviates, it floods,
mixes to make mud, our blood
dirties your willing hands.
~~~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~~~
Wake up and smell the allegory, child! <-- More Poems
Seasons
Labelled with your tears
I Laugh at this silky burden
On my antiseptic pillow
All Thin hips and Sad eyes
You are rough, desirous Spring
But I am Winter and cruelly Gone.
~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~
I Laugh at this silky burden
On my antiseptic pillow
All Thin hips and Sad eyes
You are rough, desirous Spring
But I am Winter and cruelly Gone.
~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~
Monday, 25 October 2004
The Things We Do In Empty Houses
Walk around in fear, or in freedom. You're alone at home. It's something I've always relished: having enough space to stretch, to vent. Not having to answer a million and one questions about what I'm doing and enumerate my reasons for all I do. The peace, the absolute quiet that only I (or the phone) can shatter. The freedom to roam around in odd states of undress, or to try on clothes, or take a bath. A long, steaming bath, with a good book at my side. I love the sensation of restfulness, of being the only active object on stage. Of not living on that same stage.
Temporary Soundtrack: Joan Osborne: Pensacola and Dracula Moon off of RELISH.
Quote Trapped in My Head: "Go with the flow, / well, you got to be sick. / Think I'd rather hear my heart not tick. / But if you don't want wear a hospital gown, / better get out now...or keep your eyes down."
Thursday, 21 October 2004
A Curious Mixture
H.'s visa application was denied yesterday. Point blank, flat-out, denied. He travelled two hours South to Santiago, paid all the fees, spent months collecting the documents, bought a suit to look as presentable and responsible as possible. And he walked in. It looked (he related later) like a bank, with teller-like officials behind windows. And they called him up, and asked him to present any other papers, supporting documents he had. So he showed them my letter of invitation, my pay stubs and those of my parents.
And the official asked H. "Are you planning on gettting married soon?"
And H. replied "Someday, I hope so, but I still have three years of school to go, so I will have to finish my schooling here before we make any big plans."
A good answer.
The man replied with "I'm sorry, sir, but your application of non-immigrant visa status has been rejected."
H. asked "Why?"
The official handed H. a letter outlining reasons for rejection, and said "It's all explained on the form. Sorry, sir, and thank you for your time."
(I, of course, am paraphrasing based on what H. told me, and translating from Spanish.)
Well over $100 gone, and months spent working on this. And that's it. I didn't think they could just reject you, the same day of your interview. They say it will take no later than 16 days to hear from them, and they give you a time period of 2-16 days as the normal wait time. And, checking what their website says, you have to wait three months to reapply. Thus removing any shot we have of getting him to reapply, get here, spend a good amount of time together, and send him back in time for him to start another year at University in March.
The paper he was given, and he read to me, states that if he had a job with a contract (a full-time job, or a solid part-time job), and a letter indicating his status as a good employee, as well as bank statements or other such supporting materials to prove that he is actually earning money from said job and has a reason to return, then he might have a better chance. No job that would give him such a contract would allow him to leave for one-and-a-half months and come back. He has an "off-the-books" job as a gardener, much as I did when a teen and babysitting or working in the yard. He could get a job (a second one), but he would then have to register to pay health insurance (that's the way it works in Chile) and submit a lot of other nasty, confusing forms like tax forms and insurance claims. He must show sufficient ties to Chile. Other ties such as owning a house, or lots of money, or anything else in the undefined and ambiguous "other" category, are acceptable. So, the more money he has in Chile, the better. The truths that he is studying, and cannot possibly continue his study in the U.S. (hard to do when you don't speak Engish at all), and that I do not have sufficient money to support him indefinitely, do not matter.
We know a young woman whose mother died recently, whose aunt lives and works here, and who is studying, just as H. is, at an (albeit different) University in Chile. She has no job, no contract. She was granted a visa immediately. She must have a similar, or perhaps slightly more elevated, economic position than H. has. And she has more ties to the U.S. than he does, and therefore less ties to Chile. She's of a different "race" and female. These last two are the only significant differences between them.
Well, why don't I go there? I want him to meet my family, see my life here. And my job is now full time. It was a stroke of luck that it wasn't last time. I can't go off for six weeks or two months at a time. I need to be saving money. So, if I were to go for three weeks at a time, I spend $1000 just to get there, and support myself for three weeks, then come back. I can't visit him in our summer; he only has a two-week break in July. Their winter break is pitiful, but he has three months in their summer, our winter, during which we can see each other. Once a year. And now, not this year.
It just gets harder and harder to see the reason behind anything humans do. And we knew there was a possibility that he might not get his visa, but, honestly, we did everything possible. Looking over the requirements for other types of visas, some seem easier to win than just getting a simple, non-immigrant, visitor's pass. The fiance(e) visa, for instance, requires proof that you can support yourself in the US, that do, indeed, intend to marry the person you bring over. I wonder what if you lied, and said you did intend to do so, then sent him/her packing before the expired time limit (90 days)? Would you say something went wrong, and we couldn't get on with it as planned. Would you get in serious trouble? I am feeling pretty desperate, here.
I am just lost. I feel helpless, and hopeless, and just this kind of quiet rage that I can't even express. There's nothing to rage against. Just a mindless entity, a faceless law, an uncaring world, and an unjust system. A curious mixture of frustrated tears and angry defiance boils inside me. Just...lost.
And the official asked H. "Are you planning on gettting married soon?"
And H. replied "Someday, I hope so, but I still have three years of school to go, so I will have to finish my schooling here before we make any big plans."
A good answer.
The man replied with "I'm sorry, sir, but your application of non-immigrant visa status has been rejected."
H. asked "Why?"
The official handed H. a letter outlining reasons for rejection, and said "It's all explained on the form. Sorry, sir, and thank you for your time."
(I, of course, am paraphrasing based on what H. told me, and translating from Spanish.)
Well over $100 gone, and months spent working on this. And that's it. I didn't think they could just reject you, the same day of your interview. They say it will take no later than 16 days to hear from them, and they give you a time period of 2-16 days as the normal wait time. And, checking what their website says, you have to wait three months to reapply. Thus removing any shot we have of getting him to reapply, get here, spend a good amount of time together, and send him back in time for him to start another year at University in March.
The paper he was given, and he read to me, states that if he had a job with a contract (a full-time job, or a solid part-time job), and a letter indicating his status as a good employee, as well as bank statements or other such supporting materials to prove that he is actually earning money from said job and has a reason to return, then he might have a better chance. No job that would give him such a contract would allow him to leave for one-and-a-half months and come back. He has an "off-the-books" job as a gardener, much as I did when a teen and babysitting or working in the yard. He could get a job (a second one), but he would then have to register to pay health insurance (that's the way it works in Chile) and submit a lot of other nasty, confusing forms like tax forms and insurance claims. He must show sufficient ties to Chile. Other ties such as owning a house, or lots of money, or anything else in the undefined and ambiguous "other" category, are acceptable. So, the more money he has in Chile, the better. The truths that he is studying, and cannot possibly continue his study in the U.S. (hard to do when you don't speak Engish at all), and that I do not have sufficient money to support him indefinitely, do not matter.
We know a young woman whose mother died recently, whose aunt lives and works here, and who is studying, just as H. is, at an (albeit different) University in Chile. She has no job, no contract. She was granted a visa immediately. She must have a similar, or perhaps slightly more elevated, economic position than H. has. And she has more ties to the U.S. than he does, and therefore less ties to Chile. She's of a different "race" and female. These last two are the only significant differences between them.
Well, why don't I go there? I want him to meet my family, see my life here. And my job is now full time. It was a stroke of luck that it wasn't last time. I can't go off for six weeks or two months at a time. I need to be saving money. So, if I were to go for three weeks at a time, I spend $1000 just to get there, and support myself for three weeks, then come back. I can't visit him in our summer; he only has a two-week break in July. Their winter break is pitiful, but he has three months in their summer, our winter, during which we can see each other. Once a year. And now, not this year.
It just gets harder and harder to see the reason behind anything humans do. And we knew there was a possibility that he might not get his visa, but, honestly, we did everything possible. Looking over the requirements for other types of visas, some seem easier to win than just getting a simple, non-immigrant, visitor's pass. The fiance(e) visa, for instance, requires proof that you can support yourself in the US, that do, indeed, intend to marry the person you bring over. I wonder what if you lied, and said you did intend to do so, then sent him/her packing before the expired time limit (90 days)? Would you say something went wrong, and we couldn't get on with it as planned. Would you get in serious trouble? I am feeling pretty desperate, here.
I am just lost. I feel helpless, and hopeless, and just this kind of quiet rage that I can't even express. There's nothing to rage against. Just a mindless entity, a faceless law, an uncaring world, and an unjust system. A curious mixture of frustrated tears and angry defiance boils inside me. Just...lost.
Tuesday, 19 October 2004
Survey - First And Last And More
FIRST
First screen name: Tc?d?7b. Go Old-School Prodigy! I remember it, I just don't want you to use it against me.
First self purchased cd: Eve 6.
First funeral: Probably my Grandmother's in 1981. First funeral that I remember is some great-aunt/cousin of my dad's.
First piercing/tattoos: Obligatory girlie piercing set: Age 13. Second and third earring sets added at ages 17 and 20 respectively, I believe. Tattoo, center, lower back. See the tattoo post for more detail.
First credit card: Bank Card. Fulton!
First true love: Dancing.
First enemy: Probably my sister.
First big trip: Florida as an infant. Why do people do that? First that I remember? Ohio, age 10.
First concert: Santana.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Bach.
First kiss: Romantic? I'd really rather not say.
LASTS
Last big car ride: NY->Boston->NY
Last kiss: My pillow. Sorry. Romantic? Mi Rey.
Last library book checked out: That's a tough one. Something by the guy who wrote Mystic River.
Last movie seen: At the movies? Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow. On DVD? Dead Like Me pilot.
Last beverage I drank: Water.
Last food consumed: White Cheddar Popcorn.
Last phone call: Received? At home, Al. At work, a client.
Last cd played: The Very Best of Dancehall 2004...no, wait, Dispatch:Peg.
Last annoyance: With myself.
Last soda drank: Ginger Ale. Only Seagram's, baby!
Last ice cream eaten: What eez thees theeng you call ize creeeam? Chocolate Fribble.
Last time scolded: By a client over IM. She was wrong. I was right and magnanimous. (I love that word.)
Last shirt worn: As opposed to a sweater? I'm going to go with a white cable-knit turtleneck and a pale yellow t-shirt underneath.
Last website visited: Yahoo Political Cartoons rock.
Last relationship: My current one.
THOUGHTS
I AM: A Goddess.
I WANT: My own private inhabitable island.
I HAVE: Lots and lots of clothes. And really great friends.
I WISH: For peace and enlightenment for all.
I HATE: Hate is a strong word. Intolerance.
I FEAR: Me.
I HEAR: Fairly well, thank you. Footsteps on the stairs.
I WONDER: who wrote the book of Love. I mean, if I was supposed to live on that desert island, for the good of mankind.
I REGRET: A lot, but I try to look forward.
I LOVE: Mi rey, my friends, my family, art, books, life.
I ACHE: to be with my love.
I ALWAYS: mess up.
I AM NOT: finished discovering.
I DANCE: with every step.
I SING: before I know the words.
I CRY: less than I used to.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: right.
I WRITE: to help me remember, and help me let go, and help me feel.
I WIN: what I don't want.
I LOSE: track of people.
I CONFUSE: actors with other actors. Streets with other streets.
I NEED: to get a move on.
I SHOULD: challenge myself.
YES or NO
You keep a diary: Do sporadic ramblings count?
You like to cook: yes.
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: No, I have many.
DO YOU?
Have a crush: Never.
Want to get married: Maybe, but I don't want kids.
Get motion sickness: Not unless I'm already sick.
Think you're a health freak: No way.
Get along with your parents: More so than normal. I admire and respect them while they drive me crazy.
Like thunderstorms: Me. Love. Lightning!!
FACTS
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Dark brown with reddish and light brown tones. Or so I've been told.
AGE: 23
EYE COLOR: Creepy Blue.
BIRTHPLACE: Rockland County, NY
FAVORITES
Number: 16 or 64.
Color: Rainbow.
Day: Thursday
Month: December and June.
Season: Winter and Summer.
Songs: Too many to count. "Elias" and "Even"(Dispatch), "Recognize" and "Delicious"(Laura Dawn), "Logon" (Elephant Man-don't ask), "Quien engana no gana" (Ojos de Brujo).
Drink: Honestly? Bailey's Ice Cream Shake from Haagen-das. It's a sin.
PREFERENCES:
Cuddle or make out: With whom?
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: Screw the chocolate. I'm mainlining whipped cream here!
Milk, dark or white chocolate: Dark...hehe. Chocolate con platano! Sorry.
Vanilla or chocolate: Vanilla cake. Chocolate shake.
IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU: <-- What a bizarre time frame. Oh, well.
Cried? No.
Helped someone? That's my job.
Bought something? Online shopping is a fave.
Gotten sick? If anyone gets me sick...
Gone to the movies? N-O.
Gone out for dinner? Alas, no. I made dinner yesterday.
Said I love you? Yes. And "te amo."
Written a real letter? As opposed to a joke letter I send out every week? No.
Talked to an ex? I find talking to X to be a baffling experience. X is just too enigmatic a letter. I stick with talking to the more concrete parts of the alphabet. Also, not in public.
Missed an ex? I'm not aiming for anything.
Written in a journal? Hello?
Had a serious talk? Yes.
Missed someone? All the time. Stupid moving targets...
Hugged someone? Emblem.
Fought with your parents? Miraculously, no.
Fought with a friend? Nope.
WOULD YOU EVER:
Eat a bug: Survival of the oddest.
Bungee jump: Yes.
Lost it: huh? <-- Exactly, LB.
Kiss someone of the same sex: Yes.
Have sex with someone of the same sex: What'll you give me if I tell you?
Parachute from a plane: Oh, let's go now! I can't wait to skydive.
Walk on hot coals: Gotta protect the feet.
Go out with someone for their looks: Hell no.
Be a vegetarian: Sure.
Wear plaid with stripes: Halloween is coming...
IM a stranger: Define stranger. If you see a random screen name and decide to IM it without some idea of who's there, then you have a lot more time on your hands than I do. I have talked to people I've never met.
Sing karaoke: Of course. What'll you pay me?
Get drunk off your ass: Drink standing up? Sure.
Shoplift: No.
Run a red light: Only by accident. And if I were driving an ambulance.
Star in a porn video: Fuck no.
Dye your hair blue: Again, I say, why not?
Be on Survivor: There are easier ways to make a million dollars. And I hate reality TV.
Wear makeup in public: All the time.
Not wear makeup in public: All the time.
Cheat on a test: Never did that I recall.
Make someone cry: For fun.
Date someone more that 10 years older than you: Age only matters if you're a cheese. I am not gouda.
Stay up all night: My record is 40 hours straight.
And, my part:
I WOULD BE
An animal: Leopard.
A book: Thesaurus. Or a fantasy series.
A dog: Siberian Husky.
An athlete: Runner.
A singer: Gospel.
A goddess: Athena.
A work of art: Mixed Media.
~~FIN~~
First screen name: Tc?d?7b. Go Old-School Prodigy! I remember it, I just don't want you to use it against me.
First self purchased cd: Eve 6.
First funeral: Probably my Grandmother's in 1981. First funeral that I remember is some great-aunt/cousin of my dad's.
First piercing/tattoos: Obligatory girlie piercing set: Age 13. Second and third earring sets added at ages 17 and 20 respectively, I believe. Tattoo, center, lower back. See the tattoo post for more detail.
First credit card: Bank Card. Fulton!
First true love: Dancing.
First enemy: Probably my sister.
First big trip: Florida as an infant. Why do people do that? First that I remember? Ohio, age 10.
First concert: Santana.
First musician you remember hearing in your house: Bach.
First kiss: Romantic? I'd really rather not say.
LASTS
Last big car ride: NY->Boston->NY
Last kiss: My pillow. Sorry. Romantic? Mi Rey.
Last library book checked out: That's a tough one. Something by the guy who wrote Mystic River.
Last movie seen: At the movies? Sky Captain & the World of Tomorrow. On DVD? Dead Like Me pilot.
Last beverage I drank: Water.
Last food consumed: White Cheddar Popcorn.
Last phone call: Received? At home, Al. At work, a client.
Last cd played: The Very Best of Dancehall 2004...no, wait, Dispatch:Peg.
Last annoyance: With myself.
Last soda drank: Ginger Ale. Only Seagram's, baby!
Last ice cream eaten: What eez thees theeng you call ize creeeam? Chocolate Fribble.
Last time scolded: By a client over IM. She was wrong. I was right and magnanimous. (I love that word.)
Last shirt worn: As opposed to a sweater? I'm going to go with a white cable-knit turtleneck and a pale yellow t-shirt underneath.
Last website visited: Yahoo Political Cartoons rock.
Last relationship: My current one.
THOUGHTS
I AM: A Goddess.
I WANT: My own private inhabitable island.
I HAVE: Lots and lots of clothes. And really great friends.
I WISH: For peace and enlightenment for all.
I HATE: Hate is a strong word. Intolerance.
I FEAR: Me.
I HEAR: Fairly well, thank you. Footsteps on the stairs.
I WONDER: who wrote the book of Love. I mean, if I was supposed to live on that desert island, for the good of mankind.
I REGRET: A lot, but I try to look forward.
I LOVE: Mi rey, my friends, my family, art, books, life.
I ACHE: to be with my love.
I ALWAYS: mess up.
I AM NOT: finished discovering.
I DANCE: with every step.
I SING: before I know the words.
I CRY: less than I used to.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: right.
I WRITE: to help me remember, and help me let go, and help me feel.
I WIN: what I don't want.
I LOSE: track of people.
I CONFUSE: actors with other actors. Streets with other streets.
I NEED: to get a move on.
I SHOULD: challenge myself.
YES or NO
You keep a diary: Do sporadic ramblings count?
You like to cook: yes.
You have a secret you have not shared with anyone: No, I have many.
DO YOU?
Have a crush: Never.
Want to get married: Maybe, but I don't want kids.
Get motion sickness: Not unless I'm already sick.
Think you're a health freak: No way.
Get along with your parents: More so than normal. I admire and respect them while they drive me crazy.
Like thunderstorms: Me. Love. Lightning!!
FACTS
CURRENT HAIR COLOR: Dark brown with reddish and light brown tones. Or so I've been told.
AGE: 23
EYE COLOR: Creepy Blue.
BIRTHPLACE: Rockland County, NY
FAVORITES
Number: 16 or 64.
Color: Rainbow.
Day: Thursday
Month: December and June.
Season: Winter and Summer.
Songs: Too many to count. "Elias" and "Even"(Dispatch), "Recognize" and "Delicious"(Laura Dawn), "Logon" (Elephant Man-don't ask), "Quien engana no gana" (Ojos de Brujo).
Drink: Honestly? Bailey's Ice Cream Shake from Haagen-das. It's a sin.
PREFERENCES:
Cuddle or make out: With whom?
Chocolate milk or hot chocolate: Screw the chocolate. I'm mainlining whipped cream here!
Milk, dark or white chocolate: Dark...hehe. Chocolate con platano! Sorry.
Vanilla or chocolate: Vanilla cake. Chocolate shake.
IN THE LAST 24 HOURS, HAVE YOU: <-- What a bizarre time frame. Oh, well.
Cried? No.
Helped someone? That's my job.
Bought something? Online shopping is a fave.
Gotten sick? If anyone gets me sick...
Gone to the movies? N-O.
Gone out for dinner? Alas, no. I made dinner yesterday.
Said I love you? Yes. And "te amo."
Written a real letter? As opposed to a joke letter I send out every week? No.
Talked to an ex? I find talking to X to be a baffling experience. X is just too enigmatic a letter. I stick with talking to the more concrete parts of the alphabet. Also, not in public.
Missed an ex? I'm not aiming for anything.
Written in a journal? Hello?
Had a serious talk? Yes.
Missed someone? All the time. Stupid moving targets...
Hugged someone? Emblem.
Fought with your parents? Miraculously, no.
Fought with a friend? Nope.
WOULD YOU EVER:
Eat a bug: Survival of the oddest.
Bungee jump: Yes.
Lost it: huh? <-- Exactly, LB.
Kiss someone of the same sex: Yes.
Have sex with someone of the same sex: What'll you give me if I tell you?
Parachute from a plane: Oh, let's go now! I can't wait to skydive.
Walk on hot coals: Gotta protect the feet.
Go out with someone for their looks: Hell no.
Be a vegetarian: Sure.
Wear plaid with stripes: Halloween is coming...
IM a stranger: Define stranger. If you see a random screen name and decide to IM it without some idea of who's there, then you have a lot more time on your hands than I do. I have talked to people I've never met.
Sing karaoke: Of course. What'll you pay me?
Get drunk off your ass: Drink standing up? Sure.
Shoplift: No.
Run a red light: Only by accident. And if I were driving an ambulance.
Star in a porn video: Fuck no.
Dye your hair blue: Again, I say, why not?
Be on Survivor: There are easier ways to make a million dollars. And I hate reality TV.
Wear makeup in public: All the time.
Not wear makeup in public: All the time.
Cheat on a test: Never did that I recall.
Make someone cry: For fun.
Date someone more that 10 years older than you: Age only matters if you're a cheese. I am not gouda.
Stay up all night: My record is 40 hours straight.
And, my part:
I WOULD BE
An animal: Leopard.
A book: Thesaurus. Or a fantasy series.
A dog: Siberian Husky.
An athlete: Runner.
A singer: Gospel.
A goddess: Athena.
A work of art: Mixed Media.
~~FIN~~
Stasis
That's where I am. In stasis. Even while I move so fast, I am trapped by my own fear to move forward. One of those toys that keeps flipping over the same stupid two wooden dowels, legs every which way.
Wednesday, 13 October 2004
I Know
Your words flow
as grenadine down
my spine
flirt with my
smooth lines and
new tattoo.
Somehow your kisses
breathe warmth and
radiate life.
Come and worship
this temple body
of mine.
I promise you
your skin is as
soft as mink;
as smooth as
ripe rose petals
of shining bronze.
My head pressed
against your
treasured chest
I listen to you,
the rumbling of
your voice
In a fugue with
the strongest
heartbeat
I have ever known.
I know this,
this pose...
I notice now
how your strength
is so gentle,
how your lips
hold my kisses
like precious gems.
How you marvel
at the many colors
in my hair
and your unabashed
gaze holds love
behind each eyelash.
I know this,
this love...
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Rhyme Me, Baby! <-- More Poems
as grenadine down
my spine
flirt with my
smooth lines and
new tattoo.
Somehow your kisses
breathe warmth and
radiate life.
Come and worship
this temple body
of mine.
I promise you
your skin is as
soft as mink;
as smooth as
ripe rose petals
of shining bronze.
My head pressed
against your
treasured chest
I listen to you,
the rumbling of
your voice
In a fugue with
the strongest
heartbeat
I have ever known.
I know this,
this pose...
I notice now
how your strength
is so gentle,
how your lips
hold my kisses
like precious gems.
How you marvel
at the many colors
in my hair
and your unabashed
gaze holds love
behind each eyelash.
I know this,
this love...
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Rhyme Me, Baby! <-- More Poems
We
We sleep
tangled feet
arms and hair
thrown in every direction
I beat
the air
with my fists
tossing and turning
Your hand lifts
a father's fingers
calm a restless child
a lover's whispers
soothe my aching mind
Every day I find another
corner of your heart
that holds my face
and bears my mark
I never knew how
deeply I wrote
myself
into your life
How intertwined
our stories were
until you gave
me your all
wrapped up
in one
neat, shiny band...
I'm yours.
You sleep
and I count a
lullaby
in your heartbeats
My weak pulse
always fades
but yours just may
steal my breath away
We sleep...
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Oh, you! You are so aubade!<-- More Poems
tangled feet
arms and hair
thrown in every direction
I beat
the air
with my fists
tossing and turning
Your hand lifts
a father's fingers
calm a restless child
a lover's whispers
soothe my aching mind
Every day I find another
corner of your heart
that holds my face
and bears my mark
I never knew how
deeply I wrote
myself
into your life
How intertwined
our stories were
until you gave
me your all
wrapped up
in one
neat, shiny band...
I'm yours.
You sleep
and I count a
lullaby
in your heartbeats
My weak pulse
always fades
but yours just may
steal my breath away
We sleep...
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Oh, you! You are so aubade!<-- More Poems
Swift/Slow
Watch me carefully
as I
turn out the numbers
for your slow execution.
I've made a selection
I think you should mention
my hand in your affairs;
ghost of your nightmares.
Heal this, O healer of
a thousand hearts:
my picture's worth its weight
in bloody words
And yet you waited
for not a one of them
to penetrate your
self-induced fog.
You think you've outgrown
those crocodile tears,
that I'll let you back
between my empty ears
to poison all my
wayward thoughts of
retribution, but I just want
a swift revolution.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
as I
turn out the numbers
for your slow execution.
I've made a selection
I think you should mention
my hand in your affairs;
ghost of your nightmares.
Heal this, O healer of
a thousand hearts:
my picture's worth its weight
in bloody words
And yet you waited
for not a one of them
to penetrate your
self-induced fog.
You think you've outgrown
those crocodile tears,
that I'll let you back
between my empty ears
to poison all my
wayward thoughts of
retribution, but I just want
a swift revolution.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Best Laid Plans
You think you can follow me
Into my black hole
And emerge to find
you've escaped whole
Well, I learned to chew
and swallow all I stole
from your fake blood heart
while the tale I told
About what you did to me
how you planned to break
my destiny, but you couldn't see
I'm a great big earthquake...
You are not immune to me
and all my guilty charms
You will breathe out to me
maybe die in my arms
You who tried to eat my soul
I've laid so many to rest
Carved them up and taken
beatings on this chest
You will ache for me
As I never did for you
Turn it on its head
all you thought to do
and shove it back
into you
The best laid plans
I have heard the Bible say
so often are just
one
bittersweet
swallow
away
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
That elegy is getting a little rusty.
Into my black hole
And emerge to find
you've escaped whole
Well, I learned to chew
and swallow all I stole
from your fake blood heart
while the tale I told
About what you did to me
how you planned to break
my destiny, but you couldn't see
I'm a great big earthquake...
You are not immune to me
and all my guilty charms
You will breathe out to me
maybe die in my arms
You who tried to eat my soul
I've laid so many to rest
Carved them up and taken
beatings on this chest
You will ache for me
As I never did for you
Turn it on its head
all you thought to do
and shove it back
into you
The best laid plans
I have heard the Bible say
so often are just
one
bittersweet
swallow
away
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
That elegy is getting a little rusty.
Friday, 8 October 2004
Succumbing to the Inevitable
I never look for relationships, they find me. When I look for a brief connection, I end up with love. Unrequited or returned, it waits in corners, ready to snap at me with soft, velvety phrases. Forever. Always. And it sneaks up on me, where eager discovery and avid talks suddenly bloom into a sweet but frustrating burst of "I love you" petals and "stay with me" stems. I know I'm lucky. I know I shouldn't complain. But it seems unfair to be suddenly roped into a long-lasting relationship. I know I could get out at any time, that I'm not literally "trapped", and this time I could do it without causing irreparable physical harm. Emotional damage is a foregone conclusion. To Me, to Him, to innocent bystanders.
And I don't want out. This is probably the healthiest, most promising relationship I've ever been in. I just feel the need to push against something, to stretch, to move. Staying in one place, one psyche too long makes me stir crazy. And I start too worry. Will one of us get bored if it's too quiet? Or get tired of dramatic fights first? And I begin to adapt, to mold myself. Imperceptibly, I subconsciously see what they need, and change or find a way to get what I want. And it usually ends badly.
No need to be defeatist. Maybe I'm just the kind of girl who seems like the kind of girl you bring home, but shouldn't be. And I can't relate to those sappy songs or those movies where we pine and we look for love. It finds me, unwilling and snarling, and tries to tame me time and again.
You, my love, are inevitable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unhelpful quote of the day:
In Spanish: My librarian boss in Chile: "Where are you staying? In a house or in an apartment?" "Me quedo en una cama-una casa! una casa!" ("I'm staying in a bed-in a house! a house!")
And I don't want out. This is probably the healthiest, most promising relationship I've ever been in. I just feel the need to push against something, to stretch, to move. Staying in one place, one psyche too long makes me stir crazy. And I start too worry. Will one of us get bored if it's too quiet? Or get tired of dramatic fights first? And I begin to adapt, to mold myself. Imperceptibly, I subconsciously see what they need, and change or find a way to get what I want. And it usually ends badly.
No need to be defeatist. Maybe I'm just the kind of girl who seems like the kind of girl you bring home, but shouldn't be. And I can't relate to those sappy songs or those movies where we pine and we look for love. It finds me, unwilling and snarling, and tries to tame me time and again.
You, my love, are inevitable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Unhelpful quote of the day:
In Spanish: My librarian boss in Chile: "Where are you staying? In a house or in an apartment?" "Me quedo en una cama-una casa! una casa!" ("I'm staying in a bed-in a house! a house!")
Thursday, 7 October 2004
The Lists
What's The Frequency Kenneth? (TV, Movies, Magazines)
SciFi.Fantasy.
Strange Luck
Buffy TVS
Angel
X-Files
Sliders
Witchblade
The Pretender
The Sentinel
Quantum Leap
Charmed
Animated.
Talespin
Ducktales
Family Guy
Teen Titans
Kim Possible
Pepper Ann
Charlie Brown Specials
Unico
The Last Unicorn
Water Babies (Don't ask. Just...don't.)
The Best Medicine.
Arrested Development
Whose Line Is It Anyway? (UK & US)
Wonderfalls
Matinee With Organ Music
Bowling For Columbine
Desert Blue
Run Lola Run
Love Actually
House of Cards
Gothika
La Frontera
Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil
Grosse Pointe Blank
The Company
The Others
Moulin Rouge
Speed
Practical Magic
Pecker
Serial Mom
8 Femmes
Nell
The Station Agent
What Lies Beneath
Robin Hood (Disney version)
Contact
The Matrix
The Sixth Sense
Harold & Kumar go to White Castle
Pathfinder (from Iceland)
Brown Category (The Written Word Authors & Books)
Youthful Enthusiasm
Gordon Korman books
Ghost Stories
Quest For A Maid
Susan Cooper
Voyage
Where the Lilies Bloom
Summerland
José Martí
Raven Stole The Moon
Classic
The Old Man & the Sea
Great Expectations
Pride & Prejudice
Lord of The Rings/Tolkein
Just Plain Fun
Nevada Barr
Rex Stout
Agatha Christie
Harry Kemelman
Play Time (Games)
Syberia
Syberia II
The Longest Journey
The Sims
The Sims 2
Dark Fall: The Journal
Dark Fall: Lights Out
The Cameron Files I and II
Post Mortem and Still Life
Slidegrooving (Music)
Latina
Indian
African
Celtic
Reggae
Rock
The Flaming Woodchucks
Flashbacks
Hendrix
Jefferson Airplane
Bob Dylan
Buddy Holly
The Mamas & the Papas
Peter, Paul & Mary
Cream
Essentials
DISPATCH
Laura Dawn
Godsmack
State Radio
REM
Gotta Move
Shakira
Bhangra
Ojos de Brujo
Andres Cabas
Think it Through
La Ley
Radiohead
Smashing Pumpkins
Chisel
Fiona Apple
Work it Out
Rage Against the Machine
System of a Down
Audioslave
RHCP
Soundtracks
Holes
JCS
Prince of Egypt
Romeo & Juliet
Moulin Rouge
Shadowbox (Pursuits, Past and Present)
Travel
Drawing - Charcoal, Ink, Pencil, Cray-pas.
Decorating like a madwoman.
Sailing
Kites
Swimming
Snorkeling (yay!! 'Nnnnnnnorkeling?)
Firing Hello Kitty off in a model rocket.
Writing - Poetry and prose.
Choir
Trumpet & Piano
Dance - all kinds.
SciFi.Fantasy.
Strange Luck
Buffy TVS
Angel
X-Files
Sliders
Witchblade
The Pretender
The Sentinel
Quantum Leap
Charmed
Animated.
Talespin
Ducktales
Family Guy
Teen Titans
Kim Possible
Pepper Ann
Charlie Brown Specials
Unico
The Last Unicorn
Water Babies (Don't ask. Just...don't.)
The Best Medicine.
Arrested Development
Whose Line Is It Anyway? (UK & US)
Wonderfalls
Matinee With Organ Music
Bowling For Columbine
Desert Blue
Run Lola Run
Love Actually
House of Cards
Gothika
La Frontera
Midnight in the Garden of Good & Evil
Grosse Pointe Blank
The Company
The Others
Moulin Rouge
Speed
Practical Magic
Pecker
Serial Mom
8 Femmes
Nell
The Station Agent
What Lies Beneath
Robin Hood (Disney version)
Contact
The Matrix
The Sixth Sense
Harold & Kumar go to White Castle
Pathfinder (from Iceland)
Brown Category (The Written Word Authors & Books)
Youthful Enthusiasm
Gordon Korman books
Ghost Stories
Quest For A Maid
Susan Cooper
Voyage
Where the Lilies Bloom
Summerland
José Martí
Raven Stole The Moon
Classic
The Old Man & the Sea
Great Expectations
Pride & Prejudice
Lord of The Rings/Tolkein
Just Plain Fun
Nevada Barr
Rex Stout
Agatha Christie
Harry Kemelman
Play Time (Games)
Syberia
Syberia II
The Longest Journey
The Sims
The Sims 2
Dark Fall: The Journal
Dark Fall: Lights Out
The Cameron Files I and II
Post Mortem and Still Life
Slidegrooving (Music)
Latina
Indian
African
Celtic
Reggae
Rock
The Flaming Woodchucks
Flashbacks
Hendrix
Jefferson Airplane
Bob Dylan
Buddy Holly
The Mamas & the Papas
Peter, Paul & Mary
Cream
Essentials
DISPATCH
Laura Dawn
Godsmack
State Radio
REM
Gotta Move
Shakira
Bhangra
Ojos de Brujo
Andres Cabas
Think it Through
La Ley
Radiohead
Smashing Pumpkins
Chisel
Fiona Apple
Work it Out
Rage Against the Machine
System of a Down
Audioslave
RHCP
Soundtracks
Holes
JCS
Prince of Egypt
Romeo & Juliet
Moulin Rouge
Shadowbox (Pursuits, Past and Present)
Travel
Drawing - Charcoal, Ink, Pencil, Cray-pas.
Decorating like a madwoman.
Sailing
Kites
Swimming
Snorkeling (yay!! 'Nnnnnnnorkeling?)
Firing Hello Kitty off in a model rocket.
Writing - Poetry and prose.
Choir
Trumpet & Piano
Dance - all kinds.
Sunday, 3 October 2004
Goddess
She violently
breaks the clouds
Rain softly
wounds the world
She idly wishes
for a tourniquet
for the weather.
But she doesn't bleed.
The souls of her feet are hammers
Her toenails are thorns
scarring the earth
Her eyes shatter the dark
without impunity
Her palms are liquid,
extinguishing the sun.
But she can't tell anyone.
With her siren song she’ll
strike you deaf
While her glory will
shine you blind
Without trying at all
she'll haunt your mind.
So she remains
a feral goddess
Alone and forever
behind a glass display
Failing to heed
not one human plea
Judging without mercy,
for none has she received.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Where's the fun in letting sleeping demons lie? <-- More Verses
breaks the clouds
Rain softly
wounds the world
She idly wishes
for a tourniquet
for the weather.
But she doesn't bleed.
The souls of her feet are hammers
Her toenails are thorns
scarring the earth
Her eyes shatter the dark
without impunity
Her palms are liquid,
extinguishing the sun.
But she can't tell anyone.
With her siren song she’ll
strike you deaf
While her glory will
shine you blind
Without trying at all
she'll haunt your mind.
So she remains
a feral goddess
Alone and forever
behind a glass display
Failing to heed
not one human plea
Judging without mercy,
for none has she received.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Where's the fun in letting sleeping demons lie? <-- More Verses
Coffeehouse
(A Haiku)
You see, coffeehouse
poetry has no real cream;
it must be instant.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
More Fun Than Sticking a Vibrating Phone Down Your Pants <-- More Poetry
You see, coffeehouse
poetry has no real cream;
it must be instant.
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
More Fun Than Sticking a Vibrating Phone Down Your Pants <-- More Poetry
Curve
The curve of your smile
Makes me mirror your lips
With that soft reckless grin
You’ve got me wanting your kiss
The curve of your arm
Cradles that of my waist
As we arch our bodies
In such a sweet embrace
The curve of your hand
Tugs at the curls in my hair
Your fingertips trace circles
On my skin, waiting and bare
The curve of your hips
Fits the contours of mine
Slip into my dreams
So we can intertwine
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Duck! It's a low-flying tangka! <-- Poetry Galore
Makes me mirror your lips
With that soft reckless grin
You’ve got me wanting your kiss
The curve of your arm
Cradles that of my waist
As we arch our bodies
In such a sweet embrace
The curve of your hand
Tugs at the curls in my hair
Your fingertips trace circles
On my skin, waiting and bare
The curve of your hips
Fits the contours of mine
Slip into my dreams
So we can intertwine
~~~~~~~~AEW~~~~~~~~
Duck! It's a low-flying tangka! <-- Poetry Galore
Saturday, 2 October 2004
The Poetry Monster
Welcome to the Poetry Monster! Click on a poem title to view each poem. Dates listed are the date of first publication on this site. The ones with stars are my favorites. Most poems are updated periodically, whenever it catches my fancy. All poems are property of AEW, aka Mandala Reina.
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All I ask is that you don't try to pass my poetry off as someone else's or your own, or in some bizarre crime-fighting superhero scenario.
If you want to use any of my blog, let me know! I learned to share years ago...I'm pretty good at it...I think...Hey, give me that!
Also, if you have any questions or comments, e-mail me at will. Or, just, well, leave a Catcall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
| Poem | Created | Updated | |
| 0106 Hours | 26 May 2004 | 23 Jan 2007 | |
| 10,000 Small Sacrifices | 26 Oct 2004 | 26 Oct 2004 | |
| The A in Egypt* | 26 May 2005 | 18 Jan 2007 | |
| Alpha Zeta | 6 December 2005 | 23 Jan 2007 | |
| Alternate Universes | 24 Apr 2006 | 18 Jan 2007 | |
| And I Am... | 7 July 2005 | 7 July 2005 | |
| Avoiding the Gaze of the Boy Across the Aisle | 16 Feb 2006 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Beg | 20 Oct 2003 | 15 June 2005 | |
| Best Laid Plans | 13 Oct 2004 | 18 Jan 2007 | |
| Body | 6 Mar 2008 | 25 Mar 2008 | |
| Car Horn | 6 Feb 2008 | 23 Apr 2010 | |
| Certain Things | 23 Jul 2007 | 10 Oct 2008 | |
| Charcoal | 17 Apr 2004 | 17 Apr 2004 | |
| Coffeehouse* | 3 Oct 2004 | 3 Oct 2004 | |
| Connotation* | 2 Aug 2005 | 2 Aug 2005 | |
| Curve | 3 Oct 2004 | 3 Oct 2004 | |
| Dark-king, Light-king, Queens All | 15 Dec 2005 | 17 Jan 2007 | |
| Dead Stars* | 8 Sep 2005 | 17 Jan 2007 | |
| Death is Walking, Hand in Mine* | 24 Oct 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Devotion, Sublimated* | 18 Apr 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Drawn* | 29 July 2005 | 17 Jan 2007 | |
| Elizabeth the Killer | 24 Feb 2006 | 24 Feb 2006 | |
| Empty Mirrors | 30 June 2005 | 30 June 2005 | |
| The Faded Sheaves | 10 Apr 2007 | 18 Jun 2008 | |
| Fare Thee Well | 28 Jan 2005 | 14 Apr 2005 | |
| Fear As A Bedfellow(Take II)* | 3 May 2005 | 11 Aug 2005 | |
| Flung | 2 July 2008 | 23 Apr 2010 | |
| Fruit | 5 Sep 2006 | 19 Jan 2007 | |
| Gallows Love | 14 Jan 2007 | 23Apr 2010 | |
| Games* | 16 Aug 2005 | 23 Aug 2005 | Photos |
| Ghosts* | 29 Aug 2005 | 29 Aug 2005 | |
| Goddess | 3 Oct 2004 | 3 Oct 2004 | |
| Grandmothers I Have Collected: I | 26 May 2006 | 26 May 2006 | |
| Graveyard Blues | 20 July 2005 | 20 July 2005 | |
| Gravity/ Grab At Me | 14 Apr 2010 | 23 Apr 2010 | |
| Handmade Demons* | 12 Sep 2005 | 12 Sep 2005 | |
| Headlights | 26 Sep 2005 | 19 Jan 2007 | |
| Hebdomad | 20 Apr 2007 | 20 Apr 2007 | |
| Holy Week* | 24 Apr 2006 | 24 Apr 2006 | |
| Home | 11 Nov 2008 | 30 Nov 2008 | |
| Hooked | 2 Jan 2004 | 2 Jan 2004 | |
| Hurt | 29 June 2005 | 29 June 2005 | |
| I Have This Gift to Bring | 24 Dec 2004 | 24 Dec 2004 | |
| I Lie With My Hands* | 26 July 2004 | 26 July 2004 | |
| I Know* | 13 Oct 2004 | 13 Oct 2004 | |
| Jumbled | 30 Sep 2003 | 30 Sep 2003 | |
| Keep Them Tight | 26 Jan 2005 | 17 Nov 2005 | |
| Kerry Concedes the Blues | 3 Nov 2004 | 3 Nov 2004 | |
| Knot | 5 Sep 2007 | 20 Oct 2007 | |
| Left Socks | 14 Apr 2008 | 20 Aug 2008 | |
| Licorice | 1 July 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Lights | 31 Aug 2003 | 31 Aug 2003 | |
| List_serv: UNREADY | 4 Sep 2003 | 19 Jan 2007 | |
| Little Pink Heart | 28 Dec 2003 | 28 Dec 2003 | |
| Lunar Phases | 23 Apr 2010 | 23 Apr 2010 | |
| Marred | 4 Apr 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Mind the Wild | 18 Nov 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| My Name* | 24 June 2005 | 23 Jan 2007 | |
| Navigation* | 29 June 2005 | 29 June 2005 | |
| Neatly, like Modern Art | 6 Dec 2005 | 23 Jan 2007 | |
| Now it is, then | 21 Dec 2005 | 21 Dec 2005 | |
| New Orleans Lost | 3 Apr 2006 | 3 Apr 2006 | |
| Of all things...* | 22 July 2005 | 24 July 2005 | |
| Off Again | 14 Feb 2006 | 14 Feb 2006 | |
| one two three four we can do it forever more | 6 May 2006 | 6 May 2006 | |
| On Valentine's Day | 9 Mar 2005 | 25 Mar 2005 | |
| Otra Vez* | 3 Sep 2003 | 3 Sep 2003 | |
| Photographie* | 15 July 2004 | 15 July 2004 | |
| Poems to Burn, Rhymes to Spare* | 19 Aug 2005 | 30 Aug 2005 | |
| Pretty and... | 26 Apr 2007 | 26 Apr 2007 | |
| Pretty Things | 24 Apr 2005 | 11 Sep 2005 | |
| "Quiero" With Translation | 2003 | 2003 | |
| Quiet | 10 Oct 2005 | 5 Nov 2005 | |
| Reptile | 26 July 2005 | 22 Mar 2006 | |
| Riesgo de Piel | 23 Sep 2003 | 23 Sep 2003 | |
| "Riesgo de Piel" Translation | 27 Sep 2003 | 27 Sep 2003 | |
| Ribbon* | 6 Apr 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Sad Hurricane | 4 Jan 2009 | 13 Apr 2010 | |
| Scent Marking | 9 Jun 2008 | 9 Jun 2008 | |
| Seasons* | 26 Oct 2004 | 26 Oct 2004 | |
| Soft Box | 2 Dec 2004 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Something they call... | 3 Oct 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Song of the Virginal Jezebel* | 3 June 2005 | 1 Sep 2005 | |
| Stay the Night* | 6 Aug 2005 | 6 Aug 2005 | |
| Steam* | 27 Sep 2004 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Swift/Slow | 13 Oct 2004 | 13 Oct 2004 | |
| Tango | 23 Sep 2004 | 23 Sep 2004 | |
| "Tango" With Translation | 1 Oct 2004 | 1 Oct 2004 | |
| Thigmonasty | 9 May 2007 | 23 Apr 2010 | |
| This Heaviest of Freedoms* | 15 June 2005 | 15 June 2005 | |
| Toast to the Senses | 15 June 2006 | 15 June 2006 | |
| Today* | 3 May 2005 | 5 May 2005 | |
| Too Much | 29 Jan 2004 | 2004 | |
| Underneath | 22 Aug 2005 | 22 Aug 2005 | |
| Unicorn Bones* | 7 July 2005 | 20 Jan 2007 | |
| Unreadable | 15 Oct 2003 | 2005 | |
| Vanished* | 4 Nov 2004 | 9 Jan 2005 | |
| Vertebrae* | 14 July 2005 | 14 July 2005 | |
| Wanting* | 26 Oct 2004 | 26 Oct 2004 | |
| We | 13 Oct 2004 | 13 Oct 2004 | |
| Well Met and Left* | 29 Dec 2004 | 29 Dec 2004 | |
| Xanthous | 16 June 2005 | 27 June 2006 | |
| You and Yours | 8 Nov 2003 | 8 Nov 2003 | |
| Zephyr | 27 Jan 2005 | 27 Jan 2005 |
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All I ask is that you don't try to pass my poetry off as someone else's or your own, or in some bizarre crime-fighting superhero scenario.
If you want to use any of my blog, let me know! I learned to share years ago...I'm pretty good at it...I think...Hey, give me that!
Also, if you have any questions or comments, e-mail me at will. Or, just, well, leave a Catcall.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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